Well, I’m back from my little hiatus, and I feel like a million dicks… err, dollars. I decided to go to Los Angeles. The Hollywood Hills area, to be exact. California was a totally new experience for me because I had never been out West before. I had more fun than a midget at a petting zoo!

This has nothing to do with a petting zoo. I just like talking about midgets.

The first exciting thing I found in Hollywood was discovered on a walk to the local 7-Eleven. It was a vomit-covered reclining chair, sitting on the side of the road at the end of this tunnel:

The puke looked like someone ate a bunch of hot dogs, red kool-aid, and feces.

Oh wait! How could I forget about the abandoned panties that were hanging on the fence, just before the tunnel?

Mmmm.

OK, let’s rewind for a second.

I decided to give you guys the full experience of these discoveries, so I went to Google’s Street View and looked up the exact locations I was at.

If you were approaching the tunnel from the side the vomit chair was on, then it would look exactly like this:

Obviously, the vomit chair wasn’t in Google’s pictures. So I added one in Photoshop.

Going through the tunnel was like walking into the deadlights. I was expecting St. Peter to be at the end, ready to see me and say, “You better turn around right now buddy. Have fun in Hell.” If you look closely at the picture, I circled a lost soul being ushered into eternity. Lucky bastard.

If we look even closer, we can see that it’s actually not a lost soul. It’s a prostitute who was also turned away by St. Peter. Weird shit like this is common in Hollywood.

Sucks to be you! Get it? She’s a hooker.

Once outside of the tunnel, you come to this little 3-way intersection. I like 3-ways, hehe. I drew an arrow to where the panties were:

Street View’s pictures don’t go any further up Ivar Ave., but if you zoom in, you can clearly see the exact place where the panties were hanging for at least four days:

Hepatitis: You’ve got it!

Later on, I went hiking at Runyan Canyon in Hollywood. I thought I was going to die, but I made it to the top and took this awesome picture of the city. Well, it would’ve been awesome, but some asslicker had to walk up the trail as I snapped the photo.

Later on, I met one of my heroes. He only smoked blunts. I figured this out after opening a kitchen drawer and finding countless empty Swisher boxes.

Ahh, California.

As for the Hollywood “Star Walk,” it was pretty much what I expected. A lot of freaks, weirdos, and tourists – but still amazing to see for the first time. I really can’t help but feel that I love LA now, and it is one of the most exciting places I’ve ever been to. At some point, my desire to move there is going to make me quit my job and pack my bags. If I’m ever going to lose my mind, I might as well lose it in Los Angeles.

My only regret was that I didn’t take mushrooms before walking down Hollywood Blvd.