Fire prevention education should be as important in schools as sexual eduction. In a typical sexual education class, students are taught about condoms, pregnancy, STDs, and anatomy. But, what are they taught about fire prevention? Some retard in a bear costume tells 4-year-olds not to play with matches.

Instead of Smokey the bear, David Stanifer should travel around and tell children about his recent brush with a fiery death.

David, obviously a nerd. Look at that fancy computer. Let’s play some Warcraft, dude! LOL

Early Monday morning, David and two of his friends were drinking in his garage and playing with his pet rat. David decided to let the rat run around freely, but didn’t want it getting lost, so he tied some twine to the rodent. Instead of using scissors to cut the twine, he tried burning through it with a lighter. You can guess what happened next.

“Ahhhhhhhh!”

Animals don’t like when you set them on fire. The rat looked back at David setting the twine ablaze and thought, “Ummm, fuck this!” It ran around the garage, with the flaming leash, and started small fires wherever it went. David and his friends weren’t able to put out the flames, so they spread to the house and caused over $30,000 in damage before being extinguised. The best part: It was his parent’s house. His dad was in Africa teaching starving children about Jesus, and his mom was working.

To me, this is a sign from above. Don’t blame David for his stupid actions. God is just punishing his father for trying to force his religious beliefs on an impoverished African country that could give a fuck less about Jesus.

Oh, you should also add David Stanifer as a friend on Facebook. Just click here. Yes, he lives in Florida.

**This next article contains a link to an image that should definitely not be viewed at work or in front of children.**

Some people hate their name so much that they actually go thru the hassle of legally changing it. Are you pissed off because your parents named you Marvin, so you want to legally change it to something badass like Thor Vagsmasher? Too bad. Fuckin’ deal with it.

You could have been named Cumstain McHerpes.

He’ll never be president with a name like that.

Until today, I had never heard of a person changing their name to support a cause. You know, like if I changed my name to Dustin Legalizemarijuana, or Dustin Prochoice.

Well, a 19-year-old girl from North Carolina was so offended by animals being dissected in school (for science!), she legally changed her name to CutoutDissection.com. I’m not kidding.

Aside from being the new name of a retarded 19-year-old, CutoutDissection.com is PETA’s website aimed at eliminating animal dissections from Science class curriculum. Like most things that PETA does, the CutoutDissection initiative will lose support and fail. I wish I could see the look on that girl’s face when she goes to the website one day and it’s no longer available. She will probably make the same face that I made when I saw this photo of Chris Crocker.

You’re welcome for that.

I’d like to start a website that campaigns for better animals to dissect in school. When I was in high school, we only got to dissect a grasshoppers, frogs, and owl puke-turd things. That’s boring. I found a mouse skull in the owl puke-turd thing, which was the highlight of my whole fucking semester. Why can’t we dissect something sweet a baby panda, or better yet… a human.

On the up-side, if I had more of those owl turds to dissect, I could have made myself a little caveman necklace!

A great injustice has been done in America. Around midnight last night, 27-year-old Shawn Pannullo got the munchies. McDonald’s sounded delicious to him because you just can’t beat a $1 double cheeseburger. He lives in Florida, so you can probably guess that things don’t end well for Shawn. Here he is later that night, showing off his new haircut. Haha, just kidding. He’s in jail ;/

“All my friends told me not to go to Carnival Cuts, but they actually did a great job!”

When Shawn got to McDonald’s, prior to his arrest that night, he tried to pay for his order with weed. Now, if I was the one taking his order, that would have been amazing to me. I’d even toss in a couple apple pies for him – right after dropping a few pubes into his milkshake… but I do that to everyone’s food.

Well, the McDonald’s employee took great offense to the bribe, so they called the police and gave a description of Shawn’s car. He was found shortly after and arrested for possession of marijuana. I hope whoever ratted Shawn out is reading this right now because you are a piece of shit asshole snitching cunt. I hope your mother’s asshole gets infested with gerbils and Richard Gere stabs her and eats her brain in a jealous attempt to gain her power.

I’m not a complete idiot, so I obviously know that it’s a stupid idea to pay for fast food with weed. I just can’t blame Shawn for his actions after finding his baby picture:

You know, I think we should put a large fence between Florida and the rest of the United States. There would be a single giant steel door that would only open or close for out-of-state tourists that were visiting. Orlando, Miami, and other nice destinations would be exterminated of Floridians and then rebuilt for the tourists. We can keep the alligators. Disney employees are decent enough people too, so they could be kept as slaves for the tourists.

Quite often, my weirdness is the topic of a lot of personal questions from Sidecarsally readers. People are always like, “Why are you so weird Dustin? You must’ve had a fucked up childhood.”

Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. If anything fucked up happened to me growing up, it was usually a direct consequence of my weirdness. I have been a disgusting, perverted, sarcastic, cynical douchebag my entire life.

The way parents raise their kids can also help guide them to a positive, productive life. Unlike me, who is good at playing Guitar Hero, farting, and swearing a lot. Still though, my folks were always great to me and can’t be blamed for any of my problems.

One person who can be called a shitty parent is Carol Jones from Wiltshire, England. She stands accused of buying her 13-year-old daughter and her two friends vodka, wine, and “alcopops,” so they could participate in a 7-mile charity hike drunk as fuck. You know what my favorite thing about England is? It’s shaped like Flounder from The Little Mermaid.

It’s Flounder!

Don’t see it? Here, I’ll remove a few of the counties:

It’s Flounder!

Back to the story: Like 99% of girls I know, the three teenagers couldn’t handle their alcohol, and got destroyed. They were seen passed out at a checkpoint along the hike, and an ambulance was called. Carol was fined £80 ($32,737,091 US dollars) on the spot, but once the public heard how easily she walked away from her punishment, social services are looking to take away her daughter.

According to the article, “One of the teenagers was treated by paramedics after drinking so much she became violently ill and lost consciousness.”

Violently ill is a nice way of saying that she drank a lot of wine, and then barfed all over the fuckin’ place for several hours. Ugh, those are the worst kind of drunk bitches. I pissed on a girls head one time at a party because she was passed out, barfing all over the floor next to the toilet. And you know what? I did it on purpose.

If I hear anymore updates with Carol’s situation, I’ll post an update. Until then, Carol isn’t the worst mother on Sidecarsally, but she’s definitely one of the ugliest.

Carol Jones, classic frumpy English mum. Yeck!

Back in March I wrote about a Kansas woman who didn’t leave the toilet for two years. Her ass skin had grown around the toilet, and she later suffered from depression when the doctors removed her best friend – the toilet seat – from her ass. This woman may have some serious problems, but it’s not outside of my morals to say, “Hahaha, you stupid bitch. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I never updated you all on the toilet girl’s boyfriend, Kory McFarren. He was scrutinized for allowing toilet girl to sit in the bathroom for so long without notifying the police or medics. He claimed that after awhile, it became a normal thing for him to bring her food and try to coax her out. When she declined, he’d leave her alone and try again the next day.

Ultimately, he plead no contest to misdemeanor mistreatment of a dependent adult and received six months of probation. Woopty-fuckin’-doo. I’m still sympathizing with Kory because I envy him. Do you know how many times I’ve wished a girlfriend of mine would go to take a shit and never return? At least eight times. Kory, you’re my hero.

“I just don’t give a fuck.” – Kory McFarren

It seems that things have started to turn around for Kory. On Monday, he cashed in a winning scratch-off lottery ticket for $20,000. That’s pretty fortunate, huh? Well, this is actually Kory’s second $20,000 winning ticket this year.

With that kind of money, I’m sure that Kory is living in a nice home, or drives a really nice, newly-leased vehicle.

Nope, lol.

I hope all you Jesus-lovers out there stop labeling Kory as a bad person now. Obviously God loves him very much. He awarded him $20,000 for each year that he let his girlfriend sit on the toilet.

Edit: For the record, that really is Kory McFarren’s house.