Today’s story should come as no surprise to anyone because it’s about Jamie Lynn Spears.

There’s no punchline for this. This bitch really does just fail.

It was rumored briefly today that Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again after becoming a mother only three months ago. Not only that, but she is supposedly two months pregnant. This means that her already gigantic vagina didn’t even have time to close up from childbirth before some stupid fuck stuck his penis inside her again.

Slutface and the Douchenator.

The National Enquirer published the rumor in a magazine, which means that there’s a 99% chance that it’s bullshit, but you know what? I’m going to side with them anyway and spread this rumor. According to the Enquirer, a very reliable source told them, “Jamie Lynn believed she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breastfeeding. She’d expected to have her period by early September. When she didn’t, she told a family member.”

Wow. She thought she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breastfeeding? That whole idea has never been proven to be 100% accurate. That’s like loading a revolver with a single bullet, holding it to your head and saying, “It’s OK, chances are I’m not going to die if I pull the trigger once or twice.”

A story that ridiculous is more likely to be true in the case of anyone in the Spears family. I can only assume that they descended from a race of inbred superhero retards that somehow managed to evolve almost completely into normal humans and blend in with their country accents.

Jamie Lynn, what have you done?

Edit: The pregnancy claim was later rejected when TMZ.com heard from an “unimpeachable source” that Jamie Lynn is not re-pregnant.

Personally, I still think she actually is pregnant. If she’s not, then she had an abortion. I guess you can tell that I’ve lost all faith in the Spears family by now.

Chris Farley’s movie Tommy Boy may have been a hilarious fictional film, but it also had a few important lessons. The main lesson in that movie is “never go anywhere with Chris Farley,” but let’s not forget about the roadkill scene. David Spade and Chris Farley ran over a deer in the road. They put it in the back of Spade’s car and it came alive and went fucking apeshit on them.

“Holy shnikies!”

Ahh, what a great film. If you haven’t seen it, go rent it now, and then punch yourself in the throat for being a jackass.

So, from Tommy Boy, we learned to never put roadkill inside the vehicle with you. Well, Tommy Fox from Tennessee had obviously never seen that movie before. Last Wednesday night, Tommy Fox was driving home when his SUV ran over a red fox. Since Tommy is from Tennessee, his first thought was, “Man, them red fox tails sure are purty this time-a-years. Imma take this summabitch home and keep his tail fer a little trophy!”

No, seriously. He wanted to keep the fox’s tail.

“Is that a gen-u-ine fox tail?”

By now, you’ve figured out that Tommy Fox actually ran over a fox. That’s called irony. Tommy put the dead fox in the back of his SUV and started driving again. Minutes later, he heard a noise and had just enough time to turn around and see a pissed off ran-over fox biting his face off. He desperately tried to defend himself with a blanket before veering off the road and flipping his vehicle.

Fail.

Sadly, the man survived but the fox did not. It was unclear whether the fox died from its original injuries, or the ones brought on by the redneck rolling his SUV. I would say that it was a combination of both, mixed with a heart attack that occurred when fox woke up saw some ugly bastard taking him home to chop his beautiful tail off.

This guy collects fox tails and protects himself with blankets. Sounds like a real winner. Well, at least his learned his lesson: You shouldn’t drive SUVs because they guzzle gas.

Rest in peace, you magnificent beast.

Jeffrey Dahmer was an American Serial killer. He was convicted of murdering 17 men and boys (ages 14-36). When police finally arrested Dahmer in 1991, they found a horrific scene at his home. There were heads in the refrigerator, chopped off penises laying around, and bodies dissolving in acid. As a child, he used to murder and dissect animals. Animal torture is a classic warning sign that someone is going to be a serial killer.

Earlier this week, a 7-year-old boy scaled the security wall at an Australian zoo and murdered 13 animals. Some of the victims were fed to a 10-foot saltwater crocodile.

Psycho boy tosses a turtle!

The unnamed boy sneaked into the reptile enclosure and bludgeoned several of them to death with rocks. He then took their bodies and tossed them over a wall, where a crocodile consumed them. None of the animals were endangered, but the total damage was about $7,000. That’s about how much breast implants and a penis removal cost. I’ll bet that zookeeper’s wife is going to be pretty upset… she needed those procedures to complete her transformation!

Terri Irwin lol.

At this point, this kid is 99% likely to end up being a serial killer. He can’t be legally punished though because the Northern Territory doesn’t charge children under the age of ten with crimes. Security cameras show the boy smiling as he smashed in the brains of a 20-year-old goanna (a lizard-thing). The goanna was the zoo’s favorite lizard. The zoo may be allowed to sue the boy’s parents, but he will never be punished for the death of that beautiful goanna. Rest in peace, little goanna. Goanna, Goanna.

Goanna.

If Sidecarsally is still a website in ten years, then keep checking back because I’ll be writing about this kid again one day.

Goanna.

This post is not going to be for everyone, especially people at work and kids.

Yesterday, I watched a video called Pudding Farts. I nearly laughed myself into a coma and thought that I should share it with all of you. Be warned, the video’s content is exactly as its name suggests; An overweight woman, farting on a plate of pudding. There’s a little surprise at the end of the video though, so watch the entire thing. It’s only 39 seconds long.

Pudding Farts

There’s also Meatloaf Farts and Cake Farts.

Have fun, but don’t get caught watching it or people are going to think you’re really weird.

Before I get into the next story, I’d like to ask you guys a personal question.

Do you think it’s weird that, right now, as I’m writing this, my cat is sitting on my lap with her leg over her head – licking her asshole? I dunno, maybe it’s her vagina. I find it a little weird, but at the same time, she looks so happy that I just can’t move her.

She’s nearly done now.

OK, moving on…

You know it’s going to be a good story when the headline reads this:

A man from Boston was taken to the hospital Tuesday after stabbing himself multiple times. The “victim” was trying to prove to his brother that he couldn’t feel pain after an argument erupted over a watermelon.

I’ll explain the story in a new cartoon:

Yes, this was a true story.

Edit: Try watching the video twice. Tell me if the audio matches up better.