As if Wal-Mart workers being trampled to death isn’t bad enough, I was just informed of two more deaths on Black Friday.
Two men fatally shot each other inside of a Toys “R” Us store in California around 11:30AM yesterday. Both men were standing near the check-out with their women, when a catfight erupted between the gals. Since being macho means protecting your bitch, both men pulled guns and shot each other. Picture one of those old Western movies, but inside a Toys “R” Us store.
I’d like to make a comment about the fact that women started this whole thing. But before you call me sexist, think about this: The men escalated the situation and ended up traumatizing a crowd of parents and children.
So, if women can drive men to do such insane things as firing guns in a fuckin’ toy store, just to show prove who’s got a bigger dick, doesn’t that mean women actually have ultimate control over men?
This story is further evidence that the only person who should be allowed to own a gun is me.
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Black Friday in America is a consumer phenomenon that occurs the Friday after Thanksgiving. Millions of people wake up at unholy hours to go shopping for special deals that occur only on Black Friday. Every year, there are stories of shoppers fighting and trampling when stores open their doors.
I have participated with the masses on this infamous day many times, and it always reminds me of that scene in The Lion King, where Mufasa dies in a stampede.
Damn you, Scar!
Friday morning, a Long Island, New York Wal-Mart opened its doors to a crowd of zombie shoppers. These shoppers would stop at nothing to get great deals. You could almost hear them chanting, “Braaaaaiiinnns! Braaaainsss!”
This type of behavior is expected when you consider what your typical Wal-Mart shopper looks like.
Jesus lady, I hope you’re shopping for a bra.
An unfortunate 34-year-old Wal-Mart employee had never dealt with Black Friday shoppers before. They broke through the door as it opened and trampled him to death. It’s a terrible thing this man wasn’t prepared for the wave of destruction that was heading his way. Even the infamous “Wal-Mart Greeters” were tucked away in safety.
The man was rushed to the hospital, but declared dead right there. If you’re wondering why I haven’t said his name, it’s because his name was Jdimytai Damour, and I didn’t want you caught up for 20 minutes, trying to pronounce it.
Statistics show that you aren’t very likely to be killed in a stampede, but if you do, it hurts really bad
Are you scared of creepy, crawly things? Oh man, I hate spiders. I also hate moths. They’re the worst. Hideous, alien-looking bugs. Admit it. Nobody likes moths.
If this gigantic moth flew away, this picture would be illegal.
I just found out yesterday that a new species of moth has been discovered in Finland. It’s a good thing I never had any reason or desire to go there because now I really don’t any reason to. Even worse, these new moths feed on human blood - not strictly - but they’ve got no problem feasting on your precious cells when you’re asleep.
Some insane man is letting this happen to himself.
I really do think we have enough animals that feed off blood. Vampire bats and mosquitoes weren’t sitting around, drinking beers and thinking, “You know, we need another friend.”
This better not be a sign of evolution for more animals to come. The only thing more horrifying than a grizzly bear attack is a vampire grizzly bear attack.
Holy shit, I almost forgot it’s Thanksgiving Day in America. Since I moved to Canada, I hadn’t thought about it because most of my family lives so far away now. Canada’s Thanksgiving is always on the second Monday in October. America’s is on the fourth Thursday in November. I’m a sad turkey today.
The first Thanksgiving took place in America, and then Canada copied it, but nobody really got mad about it. Come on, if you’re the kind of person to complain about when your country’s holiday gets copied by another country, I think you have issues.
The Caribbean island Grenada also has a Thanksgiving Day.
Celebrated on October 25th, Thanksgiving Day in Grenada is not about celebrating the harvest at all. On this day, Grenadians celebrate the 1983 execution of their Prime Minister and the U.S.-led invasion of their country. Although the United Nations called the invasion “a flagrant violation of international law,” the Grenadians didn’t seem to mind.
I always thought that Thanksgiving Day in America was meant to commemorate the Native Americans breaking bread with the settlers. Without the Natives, the settlers would have starved and you may have never been born.
Eh, I’ve been giving this peace, love, and thanks shit a chance for 25 years. I like Grenada’s idea of celebrating execution and war crimes better
A couple of days ago, I wrote about Abraham Biggs, the 19-year-old Floridian who killed himself on webcam. I wasn’t able to find the video where he actually dies, but today, one of my friends sent me a link to a portion of the video. This is when the cops bust open the door with guns drawn to find Abraham, dead in his bed.
On November 21st, Tina and Phillip Sherman filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s. Their coffee wasn’t too hot, and there wasn’t a handful of pubes in their fries. Phillip had left his cell phone behind at the restaurant in Arkansas, but not before some employees went through the phone first and discovered something awesome: nudes of Phillip’s wife, Tina.
“Hory crap! Rook at her critoris!”
That’s pretty humiliating, I’m sure, but the employees are also accused of uploading the nude pictures online before giving the phone back. These are some pretty technologically savvy McDonald’s employees. Most of the people that I’ve ever seen working at McDonald’s can’t even pronouce “cell phone,” let alone actually use one.
“Ding! Fwies are done!”
The Sherman’s are asking $3 MILIION for damages, also claiming that they had to relocate to a new residence as a result of the incident. Pshh, oh please.
First of all, unless Tina Sherman has a dick, I don’t see what there is to be so embarrassed about. Just because a few perverts got to see your titties, that’s no reason to file a lawsuit. How many women from Arkansas are even hot enough to jerk off to, anyway? Nobody even knows what Tina looks like because nobody has been able to find the nudes on the web. This whole thing is starting to sound contrived.
If the judge is going to side with the Sherman’s and award them $3 million, then Tina’s nude pictures should be forced to be recirculated back onto the web so I can see what all the fuss was about.
A couple/few months ago, I wrote about 34-year-old Jose Cruz. He was pulled over for a DUI, taken to jail, and farted near the cop who was booking him. The officer was so offended by the aroma, he slapped an additional battery charge on Jose. I didn’t have a picture of Mr. Cruz at the time, so I used a generic-looking Mexican’s picture instead. Since he deserves a little recognition, this is the real Jose Cruz.
Rest in peace buddy. Oh wait, he’s not dead lol.
Well, add another name to the list of people arrested for expelling gas through their anus. Actually, he’s only 13-years-old, so his privacy has to be protected. To make things easier, I’ll just call him Harry Dickpickle.
Harry hails from a Florida town, where he went to the Spectrum Junior-Senior High School. He has developed quite the reputation for be a little class-disrupting bastard.
On a regular basis, Harry would approach classmates and “break wind” in their general direction. Then, he would turn off their computers and run away. Jesus fuck, this kid sounds annoying.
Finally, on November 4th, Harry was arrested by the school resource officer. A school resource officer, or “school resource pig,” is pretty much the next step up from a parking lot pig.
The officer charged Harry with disruption of school function, but released him back to his mom. Hopefully, she beat him with a large stick when they got home.
Normally, I’d consider little Harry Dickpickle’s punishment a little harsh. I mean, arrested for farting? Come on!
However, it wasn’t just the farting. In fact, I think that most people were still laughing at Harry’s farts, even though they were repulsed at the same time. Farts are just hilarious. The bottom line is that Harry was unplugging computers while people were working on them. That’s like, the most annoying fuckin’ thing a person can do. I hate this kid now.
Florida is the main reason Sidecarsally.com exists. If it weren’t for that beautiful state and it’s fucking insane inhabitants, I’d be writing about Australian people all the time. If drinking kangaroo piss makes the Aussies crazy, then Florida’s water must be contaminated with gator urine.
This is what I think of you Australian ladies ;P
Anyways, onto this story from Florida:
A 19-year-old kid logged onto Justin.tv last week and announced that he had taken a fatal overdose of prescription meds and was going to die in his bed, on webcam. Nice!
I looked everywhere for this video, but I can’t find it. I read countless accounts of the event by people who witnessed it, and from what I gathered, it was pretty boring. Since nobody else has a sense of humor about this, I made a cartoon showing exactly what happened. Enjoy!
Suicide is really a very unfortunate and terrible thing. I understand that some people are very upset about this. But come on, chances are you didn’t know the kid, so why not let something good come from his untimely death. Like cartoons.
Words can’t describe how excited I was when a friend sent me a link to an Australian news story titled “Man caught with penis in pasta jar.” Australia is Sidecarsally’s new Florida.
It gets so much better.
On October 26th, Australian police noticed 46-year-old Keith Weatherley sitting in his car at a no-stopping zone. As they approached his vehicle in the squad car, they noticed that Keith’s hands were in his lap and he looked suspicious. The police spooked Keith after flashing their lights, so he took off and led them on a dangerous 10-minute pursuit, reaching the top speed of 12mph.
Eventually, Keith pulled over, but refused to leave the vehicle. Batons and pepper spray changed his mind about that. As the police pulled him out of the car, they noticed he had a jar of pasta sauce around his penis. Between bouts of wrestling with officers, Keith appeared to continue pleasuring himself with the jar until he was subdued.
In addition to the pasta sauce jar, police also found the following items in Keith’s vehicle: a home-made sex aid, pornography, women’s stockings and a Jack Russell terrier. It’s unclear at this point whether or not the dog was a pet, or another sex aid.
Keith was charged with offensive behaviour, resisting police and disobeying a police direction. After pleading guilty to all charges, he was fined $600. The judge asked Keith why he wrestled with the officers. He response was, “I was trying to make myself decent.”
He’s right though. It’s embarrassing to be arrested in public, but it’s even worse when you’re arrested right in the middle of fucking a jar of pasta sauce.
For the last few hours, I’ve been wondering why a man would want to shove his junk in a jar of pasta sauce. A jar of grape jam? Maybe. Hair conditioner works alright too, but pasta sauce? The curiosity is killing me.
Be right back, I’ve gotta run to the grocery store.
