As if Wal-Mart workers being trampled to death isn’t bad enough, I was just informed of two more deaths on Black Friday.

Two men fatally shot each other inside of a Toys “R” Us store in California around 11:30AM yesterday. Both men were standing near the check-out with their women, when a catfight erupted between the gals. Since being macho means protecting your bitch, both men pulled guns and shot each other. Picture one of those old Western movies, but inside a Toys “R” Us store.

I’d like to make a comment about the fact that women started this whole thing. But before you call me sexist, think about this: The men escalated the situation and ended up traumatizing a crowd of parents and children.

So, if women can drive men to do such insane things as firing guns in a fuckin’ toy store, just to show prove who’s got a bigger dick, doesn’t that mean women actually have ultimate control over men?

This story is further evidence that the only person who should be allowed to own a gun is me.

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Black Friday in America is a consumer phenomenon that occurs the Friday after Thanksgiving. Millions of people wake up at unholy hours to go shopping for special deals that occur only on Black Friday. Every year, there are stories of shoppers fighting and trampling when stores open their doors.

I have participated with the masses on this infamous day many times, and it always reminds me of that scene in The Lion King, where Mufasa dies in a stampede.

Damn you, Scar!

Friday morning, a Long Island, New York Wal-Mart opened its doors to a crowd of zombie shoppers. These shoppers would stop at nothing to get great deals. You could almost hear them chanting, “Braaaaaiiinnns! Braaaainsss!”

This type of behavior is expected when you consider what your typical Wal-Mart shopper looks like.

Jesus lady, I hope you’re shopping for a bra.

An unfortunate 34-year-old Wal-Mart employee had never dealt with Black Friday shoppers before. They broke through the door as it opened and trampled him to death. It’s a terrible thing this man wasn’t prepared for the wave of destruction that was heading his way. Even the infamous “Wal-Mart Greeters” were tucked away in safety.

The man was rushed to the hospital, but declared dead right there. If you’re wondering why I haven’t said his name, it’s because his name was Jdimytai Damour, and I didn’t want you caught up for 20 minutes, trying to pronounce it.

Statistics show that you aren’t very likely to be killed in a stampede, but if you do, it hurts really bad

Are you scared of creepy, crawly things? Oh man, I hate spiders. I also hate moths. They’re the worst. Hideous, alien-looking bugs. Admit it. Nobody likes moths.

If this gigantic moth flew away, this picture would be illegal.

I just found out yesterday that a new species of moth has been discovered in Finland. It’s a good thing I never had any reason or desire to go there because now I really don’t any reason to. Even worse, these new moths feed on human blood – not strictly – but they’ve got no problem feasting on your precious cells when you’re asleep.

Some insane man is letting this happen to himself.

I really do think we have enough animals that feed off blood. Vampire bats and mosquitoes weren’t sitting around, drinking beers and thinking, “You know, we need another friend.”

This better not be a sign of evolution for more animals to come. The only thing more horrifying than a grizzly bear attack is a vampire grizzly bear attack.

Holy shit, I almost forgot it’s Thanksgiving Day in America. Since I moved to Canada, I hadn’t thought about it because most of my family lives so far away now. Canada’s Thanksgiving is always on the second Monday in October. America’s is on the fourth Thursday in November. I’m a sad turkey today.

The first Thanksgiving took place in America, and then Canada copied it, but nobody really got mad about it. Come on, if you’re the kind of person to complain about when your country’s holiday gets copied by another country, I think you have issues.

The Caribbean island Grenada also has a Thanksgiving Day.

Celebrated on October 25th, Thanksgiving Day in Grenada is not about celebrating the harvest at all. On this day, Grenadians celebrate the 1983 execution of their Prime Minister and the U.S.-led invasion of their country. Although the United Nations called the invasion “a flagrant violation of international law,” the Grenadians didn’t seem to mind.

I always thought that Thanksgiving Day in America was meant to commemorate the Native Americans breaking bread with the settlers. Without the Natives, the settlers would have starved and you may have never been born.

Eh, I’ve been giving this peace, love, and thanks shit a chance for 25 years. I like Grenada’s idea of celebrating execution and war crimes better