Some people have serious anger management problems. Most of us can remember at least a few crazy asshole kids from elementary school. You know, the boy that told the teacher to “fuck off,” or threw a chair at her. Sometimes both.

This type of behavior is a red flag for further problems down the road. That’s right, it’s not normal to stab someone in the eye with a pencil when you’re six.

Get help, kid.

The most interesting crime happened last Friday. While I was celebrating my birthday in Canada, a woman in Florida was driving down Interstate 95 and arguing with her boyfriend – the passenger. The 19-year-old boyfriend got very angry and did what any sensible person would do; He hit his girlfriend in the face with a submarine sandwich. The blow from the tasty-baked bread was so powerful, the poor girl’s glasses fell off and she almost crashed. The car was littered in lettuce and green peppers. A mayonnaise-covered pickle dripped from the window. It was a massacre.

“I swear to God, one of these days…”

The boyfriend was later arrested on domestic battery charges. He posted the $7,500 bail and is currently free to assault more people. So umm, if you live near Port St. Lucie, stay alert for an angry-looking teenager eating a hoagie. Then laugh at him for being a dickass.