A lot of people know what it’s like to have a creepy neighbor. If you don’t, then you haven’t lived next door to me yet. But I’m creepy in that awesome kind of way. Hehehe. That was supposed to be a creepy laugh.

One teenage girl who isn’t amused by the feeling of an ominous presence living next to her is Jenny Ballhair, from Sydney, Australia. I made up that name to protect her identity.

Jenny was molested by her neighbor when she was 12-years-old. The man fully served a five year prison term, but two weeks ago, he moved back into his old house next door.

Naturally, Jenny is displeased about this.

“When I’m here (at home) I stay in my room and I don’t talk to anyone. Every time I hear the front door it’s like, ‘Who’s there?’,” she said.

You know, I feel the same way whenever someone comes to my door too. One time, I was positive that an army of bloodthirsty midgets were on my porch. I hid under the bed for four days and had to drink my own urine to survive. Turns out it was just a few Girl Scouts selling cookies. Had I known that, I would’ve answered the door naked.

Mmm, yeah I’ll take a box of Tagalongs, and two boxes of Samoas.

No, but seriously, this shit is fucked. What kind of a dickass molests a kid, let alone moves back in next door after being released from prison? Are there no such thing as restraining orders in Australia?

If it were up to me, the perverted neighbor would be castrated and lobotomized before being released from prison. Psychology has shown that sex offenders are generally untreatable. Whatever kind of weird shit arouses a person cannot be changed. A man can’t force himself to give up vagina in order to start enjoying a dick sandwich just for the fuck of it. Your boner has a brain too and it’s way more powerful than the one up top.

Stop the presses and call the fuckin’ National Guard! Paris Hilton is single and looking to spread her crabs around Hollywood again. Before I continue, I’ll bet most of you can’t even tell me the name of her latest ex. However, it would be much easier to name at least one of her ex-boyfriends. That’s because cancer doesn’t kill as many people a year as Paris fucks.

Paris Hilton was born in the doggystyle position.

You know, I don’t really hate Paris. I’m just jealous of all these other guys. It’s like every time I see my window of opportunity to get a date with her, I don’t even have time to check my e-mail before she’s got a new penis in her mouth. When’s it going to be my cock’s turn?

Paris actually managed to stay monopenis for about nine months this time around. So who was this latest guy anyway? Psh, none other than Benji Madden – guitarist of Good Charlotte. If you don’t remember Good Charlotte, they were popular amongst 13-year-old girls back in 2001. Benji also has a defunct clothing line (MADE Clothing) that used to be sold in high-fashion stores like Hot Topic (lol).

Only guys in pop-punk bands can get away with wearing shit like that.

Benji Madden is a has-been, and an ugly one at that. Awhile before that, it was Nick Carter. Are these the kind of guys you like, Paris? Psh. I take back all those times I tugged it to your porno with Rick Salomon. I’m too good for you.

Some people have serious anger management problems. Most of us can remember at least a few crazy asshole kids from elementary school. You know, the boy that told the teacher to “fuck off,” or threw a chair at her. Sometimes both.

This type of behavior is a red flag for further problems down the road. That’s right, it’s not normal to stab someone in the eye with a pencil when you’re six.

Get help, kid.

The most interesting crime happened last Friday. While I was celebrating my birthday in Canada, a woman in Florida was driving down Interstate 95 and arguing with her boyfriend – the passenger. The 19-year-old boyfriend got very angry and did what any sensible person would do; He hit his girlfriend in the face with a submarine sandwich. The blow from the tasty-baked bread was so powerful, the poor girl’s glasses fell off and she almost crashed. The car was littered in lettuce and green peppers. A mayonnaise-covered pickle dripped from the window. It was a massacre.

“I swear to God, one of these days…”

The boyfriend was later arrested on domestic battery charges. He posted the $7,500 bail and is currently free to assault more people. So umm, if you live near Port St. Lucie, stay alert for an angry-looking teenager eating a hoagie. Then laugh at him for being a dickass.

Sunday afternoon, Edward Taibi was hunting for deer in rural Swan Lake, New York. As he sat in his tree stand, a nice-looking deer came trotting into view. “Oh, that there’s a nice-looking goddamn deer,” Edward probably thought as he brought the rifle up to his shoulder and aimed it. The last thing going through the deer’s head just before it died was a bullet.

Before you’re like, “Aww, poor deer,” think of this: deer really aren’t that great.

If you’ve ever killed a deer (or a human), you get this huge rush of adrenaline after pulling the trigger. This was what Edward was experiencing as he ran through the woods, tracking the dead deer. When he found it, he was so excited that he fired his gun in celebration.

That celebratory shot was a bad idea. The bullet wasn’t fired straight up in the air, so it whizzed through the forest and through a nearby trailer home. 16-month old Charly Skala was struck in the upper body by the bullet and later died in the hospital. Edward is being held without bond for second degree manslaughter. New York law states that hunters must be over 500 feet away from a residence when discharging a firearm. In this case, Edward was 400 feet from the trailer home.

Part of me wants to feel bad for Edward because of the fact that this was a genuine accident. Yes, this truly must really suck balls for old Eddy. However, it’s common knowledge that celebratory gunfire must be directed at a 90 degree vertical angle upwards. A bullet free-falling at terminal velocity would leave a lump, but Mythbusters proved that it wouldn’t kill a person. Maybe if Edward would’ve watched that episode of Mythbusters, that little girl would still be alive.

Edward Taibi; doesn’t watch Mythbusters.

Happy Monday! Eh, just kidding, there’s nothing that great about today – or Monday’s in general. Unless you win the lottery on a Monday, you might as well just stay home and jerk off all day because Mondays are meh.

I can officially start using the word “meh.” Dictionary publisher HarperCollins has announced that they will be adding “meh” to their 30th anniversary edition, due out next year.

Thousands of 13-year-olds who spend their lives online use this word all the time, although I often see it used incorrectly. Meh is an expression of indifference or boredom. For instance:

“Hey John, I fucked your mom last night. Meh.”

The “meh” at the end of that sentence helps to emphasize to John that fucking his mom wasn’t really all that great.

An incorrect example of using the word “meh,” is:

IM from LipstickBarbieGrrrl: “OMG mah bf got meh backstage passes to Nickelback.”

First of all, what the fuck is wrong with you? Nickelback is one of the shittiest bands ever to shit in my ears. Secondly, “meh” takes more letters to spell than “me,” so why not just spell it correctly? If you spell like this in online conversations, it’s not cute. It makes you look like a dickass.

Maybe next year HarperCollins will listen to my requests to add “dickass” to the dictionary.