At least 2 people were killed today when a car drove through a crowd of people during a parade for the Dutch Queen Beatrix. The parade was taking place nearly 50 miles outside of Amsterdam. A bus carrying members of the Dutch royal family was the assumed target of the car that drove over several people and then smashed into a cement monument.

As many as 14 people have been reported injured so far – with 2 confirmed deaths – and the maniac driver’s identity is currently unknown. Nobody in the Queen’s entourage was harmed, so they’re probably having tea right now and laughing about all this, while others are not doing so well.

The crowd cheers in the background as the royal family escapes.

I’ll try to keep you updated on this, but only if there’s a humorous twist in the plot. Right now, it’s all kind of depressing.

This morning, Chris Brown’s lawyer told reporters that he is seeking a dismissal for his client because of all of the “evidence leaks” prior to the investigation.

In case you didn’t know, Chris Brown is being charged with felony assault and making threats after giving singer/girlfriend Rihanna’s face a makeover – with his fists.

The photo above is an example of an evidence leak. It was supposed to be kept secret until after Brown’s case was resolved.

You see, there really is no defense for Chris Brown. Whether or not evidence was leaked, he really did beat the shit out of Rihanna and should ultimately have to pay the price: an anal raping in prison.

Because of his undeniable guilt, the only way to defend himself is to complain about how unfair it is that everyone saw the violence he’s capable of. Basically, this was Chris Brown’s lawyer’s statement:

“Chris Brown should be innocent because nobody was ever supposed to see those pictures of Rihanna’s face after he punched her several times.”

OMG, FUCK YOU.

I’ll keep you updated as to whether or not this little turd goes to jail, but in the meanwhile, check out Mike Tyson’s (real) opinion about this topic:

“My personal opinion about that is, he’s just a baby. He’s just a little baby that don’t know how to handle his emotions when it comes to a woman. And he probably hears this and thinks, ‘I know how to handle my emotions’; we all think we do. But the fact [is], you look at this person and you might be crazy in love, but we don’t know how to handle those feelings.”

That’s probably the least retarded thing Mike Tyson has ever said, and I think I get it now; Chris Brown loved Rihanna so much that he couldn’t handle those feelings, so he punch her in the face several times to express his passion. Kind of like how Mike Tyson went to prison in the 90s for raping Miss Black Rhode Island, when in reality, he was just trying to express his emotions.

Thank you for clearing this whole thing up, Mike.

These days, an engaged-to-be-married man can’t even let a pair of tits rest on his head without it showing up on Facebook the next day.

These situations are unavoidable in life.

That’s what happened to “Antonio M.” of Rome, Italy. His fiancee Valeria was browsing Facebook when she came across a picture of Antonio wearing a large pair of female breasts on his head. She freaked out, called off the wedding, and posted hundreds of paper fliers around Rome, saying this about Antonio:

“At least I have uncovered in time before marrying you that you are a pig traitor!”

Porca is “pig” in Italian, so Orca must be “pig whale.”

Geez, calm down Valeria. So Antonio got some jugs in his face at the strip club. He didn’t necessarily fuck those jugs or the woman they belonged to. Plus, it’s really mean to call someone a pig after all this swine flu hysteria.

You can stay at my place for cheap, Antonio. I’m sorry your girlfriend’s a bitch. You could use a break for awhile, and I could use the extra money to finance my next tattoo: A Patrick Swayze centaur standing in front of two spiraling rainbows.

This morning, a large 747 airplane flew low over the Manhattan skyline, accompanied by a tiny F-16 fighter jet. For 30 minutes, the planes circled around New York Harbor as thousands of New Yorkers screamed in terror because they thought 9/11 was happening again.

Every time the planes would circle closer, people would run for cover, or cry, or pray.

“Awwww, not AGAIN!”

I know it’s a little late to say this, but don’t panic! According to the Alternative Press: “The flyover was nothing but a photo op, apparently one of a series of flights to get pictures of the [President's] plane in front of national landmarks… such as the statue of Liberty and the Grand Canyon.”

You’d think that the public would be warned about the jets beforehand, to avoid panic, but the Government opted to keep the project a secret. Only the White House and the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) knew about it, and they actually thought it would be a good idea.

“We need some new pictures of the President’s plane. You know what would be sweet? If we could fly the plane really low to the ground and get a picture of it zipping by the statue. That won’t scare the fuck out of anyone.”

Why is the US Government spending millions of dollars updating their pictures of a fuckin’ plane? PEOPLE ARE LOSING THEIR HOMES. Somewhere, an out-of-work graphic designer could have Photoshopped a way better picture in exchange for a loan.

Everyone needs to watch this ENTIRE VIDEO.

It’s extremely important and informative.