Damn, it’s good to be writing on Sidecarsally.com again.

*Takes a relaxing breath in, then out. A tiny fart escapes my anus.*

No more of that second-hand blogging site crap. This is good news for you guys because I really had to hold back on the vulgarity. Because my last 100 articles have been reviewed – and in some cases, censored – this next story is going to say “fuck” a lot.

Here we go…

At 2AM on Thursday, Angie Adams was working as a 911 dispatcher in Michigan when Ryan Emmons made a frantic emergency call. His wife (and mother of their three children) was having a normal day until she was overcome by a mysterious pain in her uterus. It felt like a little person was inside of her, trying to come out, but that’s just crazy, right?

The call pretty much went exactly like this, minus all the cursing:

Ryan Emmons: “Holy fuckin’ shit! Jeeeeeeesus fuck. Oh God, my wife is in the bathtub, and I think she’s having a fuckin’ baby!“

Angie Adams (911 dispatch): “Calm down. You said you think your wife is having a baby? Did either of you know that she was pregnant?”

Ryan Emmons: “No, we had no fucking idea that she was pregnant. Oh my fuckin’ God. Ahhh, sick! There’s a head coming out! I see the head in her vagina!”

The 10-year-old son: “Kill it, Daddy!”

With chaos erupting in the Emmons’ house, Angie proceeded to calmly guide Ryan all the way to a successful delivery. Yay, another baby.

After the baby was born, Ryan’s wife Carri spoke with the dispatcher. When asked how she felt after just self-delivering a baby in her own bathtub, she replied, “Oh, a little bit sore. But, for the most part, pretty good.”

Moments after shooting the little fuck out of her twat, Carri was just a little bit sore? Either she was on morphine, or her vagina is large enough to house a small Irish family.

How does a woman go through her whole pregnancy without even knowing about it? Well, it’s not unheard of for women to continue their periods throughout pregnancy. Imagine that, pregnant and menstruating. Look out, Johnny!

But what about the massive weight gain? One can only assume that Carri is a larger woman. Large enough to mistake a gigantic baby bump for her own fat. It’s OK though because “the bigger the tushy, the wetter the pussy.” I just made that shit up and it’s true.

And yes, I was really stoned the entire two hours that I wrote this article because TODAY IS THE RETURN OF SIDECARSALLY.COM!!1