Alberta, Canada is an amazing, beautiful place. I recommend that you plan your next vacation there. Imagine beautiful white beaches, blue ocean, coral reefs, cheap booze, drugs, and people with braided hair.

WELCOME TO ALBERTA, CANADA.

Oops, that’s Jamaica. Hey, don’t get mad at me – I was just copying Alberta and their $25-million public relations campaign.

Very recently, the Albertan government ran a campaign ad to promote tourism to their poopy province. However, it was discovered that a beach scene photo used in one of the ads wasn’t from Alberta at all, but ENGLAND.

The phony ad.

Cat’s out of the bag now, Alberta. What do you have to say about this deception, Tom Olsen, director of media relations for Alberta?

Tom: “There’s no attempt to make people think that this is Alberta. There’s no attempt to mislead. That picture just fit the mood and tone of what we were trying to do.” (his exact words)

You lying sack of shit. Admit it… you didn’t think you would get caught.

Tom:“But, how could anyone know where that beach was?” (a pretend question)

Uh, Tom, IT’S A FAMOUS BEACH in England where tourists go to see Sir Lancelot’s castle. No, seriously, look:

The same beach pictured in the ad for Alberta.

Oh, and we all know that this is what a real Albertan beach looks like:

Alberta has given us nothing but Nickelback and lies.

If you haven’t heard of them, this is Tokio Hotel from Germany.

These guys are huge in Europe and have gained success in North America as well. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I listened to them, but was not impressed. Not even a little.

Last week, the guitarist of Tokio Hotel, Tom Kaulitz was accused of punching a female fan in the face at a gas station. The victim was allegedly part of a gang of Tokio Hotel groupies that stalk the band on a regular basis. She asked him for a picture one too many times, and he finally jacked her.

Tom Kaulitz, gangsta as fuck.

Tom left the scene before police could arrive and it is assumed that he is still wanted for questioning. That’s all there is to know at the moment about this, so we’re moving on…

Unlike Nickelback, I do not hate Tokio Hotel only because of their shitty music. I also hate them because the singer and guitarist are twin brothers that couldn’t be more opposite. Tom is a gangster wannabe, and Bill Kaulitz (the singer) apparently thinks he’s a girl.

Feminine-looking Bill has consistently denied rumors of being gay, while others claim to have personally seen him giving blowjobs to men. Tom, on the other hand, opted for the Slim Shady look to avoid rumors that he jerks his brother off on the tour bus. Nobody would ever accuse a gangster of being gay; they might threaten you back with violence.

To summarize, Tokio Hotel is a fucking TERRIBLE band. The singer looks like a girl with a lot of Myspace friends, and the guitarist is a female-hitting white German gangster. The moral of this story is, if you have an identical twin, you better look exactly the same because it’s annoying otherwise.

Damn, it’s good to be writing on Sidecarsally.com again.

*Takes a relaxing breath in, then out. A tiny fart escapes my anus.*

No more of that second-hand blogging site crap. This is good news for you guys because I really had to hold back on the vulgarity. Because my last 100 articles have been reviewed – and in some cases, censored – this next story is going to say “fuck” a lot.

Here we go…

At 2AM on Thursday, Angie Adams was working as a 911 dispatcher in Michigan when Ryan Emmons made a frantic emergency call. His wife (and mother of their three children) was having a normal day until she was overcome by a mysterious pain in her uterus. It felt like a little person was inside of her, trying to come out, but that’s just crazy, right?

The call pretty much went exactly like this, minus all the cursing:

Ryan Emmons: “Holy fuckin’ shit! Jeeeeeeesus fuck. Oh God, my wife is in the bathtub, and I think she’s having a fuckin’ baby!“

Angie Adams (911 dispatch): “Calm down. You said you think your wife is having a baby? Did either of you know that she was pregnant?”

Ryan Emmons: “No, we had no fucking idea that she was pregnant. Oh my fuckin’ God. Ahhh, sick! There’s a head coming out! I see the head in her vagina!”

The 10-year-old son: “Kill it, Daddy!”

With chaos erupting in the Emmons’ house, Angie proceeded to calmly guide Ryan all the way to a successful delivery. Yay, another baby.

After the baby was born, Ryan’s wife Carri spoke with the dispatcher. When asked how she felt after just self-delivering a baby in her own bathtub, she replied, “Oh, a little bit sore. But, for the most part, pretty good.”

Moments after shooting the little fuck out of her twat, Carri was just a little bit sore? Either she was on morphine, or her vagina is large enough to house a small Irish family.

How does a woman go through her whole pregnancy without even knowing about it? Well, it’s not unheard of for women to continue their periods throughout pregnancy. Imagine that, pregnant and menstruating. Look out, Johnny!

But what about the massive weight gain? One can only assume that Carri is a larger woman. Large enough to mistake a gigantic baby bump for her own fat. It’s OK though because “the bigger the tushy, the wetter the pussy.” I just made that shit up and it’s true.

And yes, I was really stoned the entire two hours that I wrote this article because TODAY IS THE RETURN OF SIDECARSALLY.COM!!1

Shawn Johnson is a cute little 17-year-old Olympic gymnast from Iowa. According to Wikipedia, at the 2008 Summer Olympics, Shawn “won the silver medal in the individual all-around competition, receiving a score of 62.725.” She is also a contestant on the show Dancing With the Stars, paired up with Mark Ballas – some loser from Texas.

Johnson and Ballas.

Last month, a 34-year-old Floridian named Robert O’Ryan was arrested while trying to sneak onto the set where Dancing With the Stars was being filmed. Police found Robert in possession zip ties, duct tape, loaded guns, and love letters written to Shawn Johnson.

Robert is currently being held in jail on $220,000 bail. He has plead not guilty to two misdemeanor gun charges and a felony stalking charge. According to Robert, he isn’t guilty because he spoke to Shawn Johnson through telepathy and she agreed to have a baby with him.

Robert has yet to be tried and convicted for his crimes, but today a judge ruled that he has to keep away from Shawn Johnson for the next 3 years – even though he’s currently in jail and will most likely remain there. Prison bars can’t prevent telepathic thoughts from escaping though, so hopefully, Robert and Shawn can still communicate with each other.

Suppose for a minute that Robert O’Ryan really did talk to Shawn Johnson through telepathy. He could be one of the only people in the world capable of such a phenomenon. We not only cockblocked him, but now he’ll never teach us his secret powers.

This is bullshit. I want to learn how to speak to people with my mind. Robert, stop hogging all the psychic abilities!

It’s hard to find a picture of this man without some wood blocking his face, kind of like your mom. Oooohhhh!”

Bonus fact: The last time Robert’s neighbor saw him in Florida, he was talking to a tree.