You know what’s awesome? Going to Time.com, and seeing this headline:

Florida has a problem, and it’s not alligators anymore. Stories of sexual relations between female teachers and their students have been popping up all over Florida this year. It’s an epidemic, apparently.

This is the kind of epidemic I was praying for as a young man in high school. Why couldn’t Mrs. Jensen ask me to stay late for some extra credit (penis-in-vagina)? She must have been a lesbian.

What is it about teenage boys that drives unattractive sex-starved teachers wild? I put together a crack team of teacher-student sexologists at the University of Shitsville, and they prepared this explanation for me:

We have discovered the cause of the epidemic to be a new gas called dick vapor.

The only females who can avoid succumbing to dick vapor are non-sluts, women with morals, and lesbians (bi-sexuals are not immune to DV).

With this information, scientists can work on a way to circumvent dick vapor, or at least lower the dick vapor index (DVI) in a classroom. This would help the more vulnerable teachers focus on their lesson plans instead of the crotches of underage boys.

I haven’t written about myself in awhile. Since I’m the coolest dude I know, I might as well take this time to embarrass myself.

I graced an audience of 100+ potheads last night with my first stand-up comedy routine ever. My act consisted of roughly 7 minutes of material. Immediately when I got onstage, I semi-blacked out and completely forgot the opening 3 minutes of my act.

Right away, I was so nervous that my brain was on auto-pilot. I proceeded to open with a joke about how many dudes were sitting in the front row. It smelled like moist hotdogs because there were so many dicks surrounding me. I tried to convey that in a joke, failed, and then apologized — which drew laughter.

Afterward, I talked about a poem that I found that fell out of some douchebag’s pocket. Before reading the poem, I compared the microphone stand to a monster in the new Terminator movie. This got a lot of laughs for some reason.

I think a lot of people were laughing at the persona I took on stage. My face was hidden behind a large pair of aviator sunglasses, and my head was covered with an oversized trucker cap. I remained completely expressionless the entire time — no laughing or smiling at all.

Then I read my, er… I mean that douchebag’s poem that he wrote, not me. It went like this:

I got a bright pink polo
With the collar popped high.
Some people think I’m a homo,
But I don’t fuck other guys.

So don’t be angry at me
“Cuz I gave your girl a smooch.
Any brainiac can see
I’m just a fuckin’ douche.

As my punishment to myself for not providing you with a true breaking news story, I have provided the audio of my performance HERE!

Once again, this was my first stand-up performance, so bash away! The comments section is below.

Heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson’s 4-year-old daughter Exodus Tyson died yesterday after accidentally strangling herself on a cord dangling from a treadmill.

The accident happened Monday. Exodus’s body was found by her 7-year-old brother. She was unconscious and tangled in the treadmill’s cord. Her mother, Monica Turner, tried to perform CPR on her until paramedics arrived.  She remained in critical condition on life support until she died around noon on Tuesday.

The family released a statement saying, “We ask you now to please respect our need at this very difficult time for privacy to grieve and try to help each other heal.”

Those of you waiting for my usual “cruel twist” in this story can fuck right off because one of the top 10 things a person should never do in their life is piss off Mike Tyson. He could punch me through the Internet if he wanted.

Sorry for your loss, Mike.

The California Supreme Court upheld the voters’ decision to re-block gay marriage today.

It’s official. The government hates gay people almost as much as they hated the Natives. “Hey, here’s some civil rights and liberties. Oops, just kidding. We gotta take these back now. It felt nice for a minute though, didn’t it?”

6 out of the 7 Cali Supreme Court judges voted to uphold Proposition 8 and keep gay marriage illegal, meanwhile, other U.S. states are making reverse efforts to finally recognize gay people as equal humans.

Only one judge voted in favor of the gays, but I don’t know who yet. Based on looks alone, I’m guessing it was Chief Justice George because he looks really nice. The other judges look like dicks.

Update: Thanks to reader Rebekah for finding out that it was Moreno, not George, who voted in favor of the gays. He was totally my second choice.

Remember 13-year-old Alfie Patten? It’s been a few months.

Alfie allegedly knocked up his girlfriend Chantelle when he was only 12-years-old. Some kids are early-bloomers, but Alfie looked more like a little boy than a teenager.

Shortly after The Sun printed Alfie’s story, several boys came forward and said that they too fucked his girlfriend Chantelle. Oops!

Even before the allegations from other boys, I predicted that Alfie was not the real father strictly on the fact that there’s no way this little kid could bust a nut 2 years before I did. Was I right? Yes.

DNA test results several weeks ago indicated that Alfie was NOT the father. Instead, some random kid named Tyler Barker is. He said that having sex with Chantelle was, “the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my life.”

During all of the media chaos, Alfie wore this specially-made hoodie that said, “I’m the daddy! If I’m not, fuck you all, I’ll still be there.”

There really is a middle finger on the back of his head lol.

This is why I hate kids. They fuckin’ think they know it all. I hope Alfie Patten learned a huge lesson from this: never fuck girls named Chantelle. I have never met a girl named Chantelle that wasn’t a big slut.