Not funny
posted on May 29th, 2009 by Dustin at 4:11 pm (EST) with 12 Comments
I haven’t written about myself in awhile. Since I’m the coolest dude I know, I might as well take this time to embarrass myself.
I graced an audience of 100+ potheads last night with my first stand-up comedy routine ever. My act consisted of roughly 7 minutes of material. Immediately when I got onstage, I semi-blacked out and completely forgot the opening 3 minutes of my act.
Right away, I was so nervous that my brain was on auto-pilot. I proceeded to open with a joke about how many dudes were sitting in the front row. It smelled like moist hotdogs because there were so many dicks surrounding me. I tried to convey that in a joke, failed, and then apologized — which drew laughter.
Afterward, I talked about a poem that I found that fell out of some douchebag’s pocket. Before reading the poem, I compared the microphone stand to a monster in the new Terminator movie. This got a lot of laughs for some reason.
I think a lot of people were laughing at the persona I took on stage. My face was hidden behind a large pair of aviator sunglasses, and my head was covered with an oversized trucker cap. I remained completely expressionless the entire time — no laughing or smiling at all.
Then I read my, er… I mean that douchebag’s poem that he wrote, not me. It went like this:
I got a bright pink polo
With the collar popped high.
Some people think I’m a homo,
But I don’t fuck other guys.
Some people call me Chachi.
Some people call me Douche.
But this here says, “Armani.”
That there’s a Nike Swoosh.
I’ll hit on any slut
To get her into bed.
And if she doesn’t wanna fuck,
I’ll tell my friends she gave me head.
Right now I drive a hummer
AKA the “Date Rape Van.”
And I don’t need the summer
‘Cuz I’ve got a great fake tan.
My muscles are immaculate,
I’ll show you at my place.
I’m picturing ejaculate
Just dripping down your face.
My uncle owns a 7/11,
He’ll hook us up on Slurpees.
(Random mumbling)
And then I’ll give you herpes.
I didn’t mean to scare you.
That isn’t what I meant.
I passed my STD test
With an 85 percent.
I think you’re losing interest now,
But I don’t really care.
I got my eye on this new girl
With vomit in her hair.
So don’t be angry at me
“Cuz I gave your girl a smooch.
Any brainiac can see
I’m just a fuckin’ douche.
As my punishment to myself for not providing you with a true breaking news story, I have provided the audio of my performance HERE!
Once again, this was my first stand-up performance, so bash away! The comments section is below.
12 Comments - Leave One!
Tags: Douchebag, Dustin, Stand-up —
Comments
Comment from maxscene
Time May 29, 2009 at 4:45 pm
good job!! i’d say it was a good first performance!
Comment from Brian C
Time May 29, 2009 at 8:10 pm
haha shit man i wish i could have seen that.
Comment from Jim Gaudet
Time May 30, 2009 at 9:46 am
I’ll hit on any slut
To get her into bed.
And if she doesn’t wanna fuck,
I’ll tell my friends she gave me head.
Nice, tweeted…
Comment from Lucy
Time May 30, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I wish I was there!
When you become big and famous, you better remember me 
Comment from Walter
Time May 30, 2009 at 1:35 pm
LOL.. wow.. its sad that you were so nervous.. the audience didnt get a chance to hear the Dustin that we know and love.
Comment from the hickerson
Time May 30, 2009 at 9:19 pm
id pay to come watch a performance
but not in Canada
I’d rather have ejaculate dripping down my face.
Comment from bill c
Time May 31, 2009 at 11:22 am
LOL! Nice Dustin
Comment from blackhand341
Time May 31, 2009 at 6:42 pm
nice…
Comment from Bob
Time June 3, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Good stuff Dustin! Tour Detroit!
Comment from Paisley
Time June 9, 2009 at 8:01 pm
My uncle owns a 7/11,
He’ll hook us up on Slurpees.
(Random mumbling)
And then I’ll give you herpes.
Comment from Dustin
Time May 29, 2009 at 4:13 pm
OMG Dustin, I’m so funny. We should fuck ourselves one time.