Today’s lesson: Sex
posted on May 31st, 2009 by Dustin at 5:43 pm (EST) with 12 Comments
You know what’s awesome? Going to Time.com, and seeing this headline:
Florida has a problem, and it’s not alligators anymore. Stories of sexual relations between female teachers and their students have been popping up all over Florida this year. It’s an epidemic, apparently.
This is the kind of epidemic I was praying for as a young man in high school. Why couldn’t Mrs. Jensen ask me to stay late for some extra credit (penis-in-vagina)? She must have been a lesbian.
What is it about teenage boys that drives unattractive sex-starved teachers wild? I put together a crack team of teacher-student sexologists at the University of Shitsville, and they prepared this explanation for me:
We have discovered the cause of the epidemic to be a new gas called dick vapor.
Dick vapor is a colorless, tasteless, odorless vapor from that rises from teenage boys’ crotches. The vapor has been proven to attract female high school teachers, hungry for an underage erection.
When combined with a tropical climate like Florida’s, dick vapor becomes a potent compound, enveloping the boy in an invisible vapor cloud — thus making him irresistible to the female faculty at his school.
The only females who can avoid succumbing to dick vapor are non-sluts, women with morals, and lesbians (bi-sexuals are not immune to DV).
With this information, scientists can work on a way to circumvent dick vapor, or at least lower the dick vapor index (DVI) in a classroom. This would help the more vulnerable teachers focus on their lesson plans instead of the crotches of underage boys.
12 Comments - Leave One!
Tags: dick vapor, epidemics, Florida, statutory rape, teachers —
Comments
Comment from Don V
Time May 31, 2009 at 6:26 pm
I want to know who these losers are that are getting laid at 14 and then tell their parents (like the kid in NY). Had it been me I’d have gladly kept my trap shut.
Comment from Dustin
Time May 31, 2009 at 6:28 pm
I’d probably rat her out after busting a nut on her face, but that’s just me.
Comment from blackhand341
Time May 31, 2009 at 6:47 pm
haha well well florida… damn can they stay outta the news? i remember you used to write 3 or 4 stories of dip shits in florida a week.
Comment from Doug
Time May 31, 2009 at 7:01 pm
God dammit I wish I would have grown up in fucking Florida. All the cool shit happens there and I get stuck with shitty michigan weather and shitty roads.
Comment from Lucy
Time May 31, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Florida! .<
Comment from Lucy
Time May 31, 2009 at 7:28 pm
>.<*
By the way, dick vapor sounds truly awesome.
just think, it has as much effect on a girl as a vagina has on a guy.
Comment from femicide
Time May 31, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I fucked Mrs Jensen dude…
im sorry man, I couldn’t help it
the way she graded my homework
just screamed do me now…
I’m sorry Dustin i wish i didn’t have to tell you here.
But Know this my friend
everytime i busted one in her face
(tear)
it was for you 
Comment from Cock Fogbank
Time May 31, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Dick Vapor sounds like a superhero alias.
Comment from Sarah
Time June 1, 2009 at 12:00 am
that is bad ass. the DVI. lol i spit mountain dew on my laptop after reading that. thanks ASSHOLE! lol jk
Comment from Jim Gaudet
Time June 1, 2009 at 12:04 am
Florida Epidemic, aren’t they the same thing..
Comment from Hoof Hearted?
Time May 31, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Not just Florida my friend. Melissa Weber from New York just got busted bumping uglies with a 14 year old in her classroom after class. If it had been during class though she could have just said she was teaching Sex Ed too.