I love Twitter. I’ve been following a lot of celebrities lately, and I have a pretty good idea of who they are now.

Some people use their Twitter accounts to post pointless shit like, “Eating pizza with my husband and adorable children.” Seriously? You really thought your 436,000 Twitter followers wanted to know that? Thanks, Soleil Moon Frye (aka Punky Brewster).

And that’s another thing: Why would 436,000 people want to follow Punky Brewster on Twitter? I’m only following her because I’m waiting for her to apologize for getting breast reduction surgery. Dream-crusher!

Although my Twitter account is still new, I have managed to offend a couple of people enough to get personally blocked by them. I can’t help it though. I see the things they post, and I feel obligated to reply with snide remarks.

Brody Jenner is a cast member on MTV’s show The Hills. He’s currently dating Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole. In a recent episode of The Hills, I realized something — that Jayde Nicole (without makeup) is not attractive enough to be a Playmate. Her face resembles that of a jam-packed clown car that was strapped with a suicide bomb. She’s a mess.

The other day, Jayde posted a Tweet, saying that she was looking for a ringtone. I replied with this:

Within minutes, I was blocked by her.

Was what I said really that mean? I mean, I was only being truthful, and if you read my Tweet closely, you’ll notice I said her fake tits were the only thing redeeming about her — most women would gladly accept a compliment on their body. That’s the last time I try to be nice to a Playmate.

It’s not all fun and games though. I went to check Brody Jenner’s Twitter page today, only to find that he blocked me as well! That probably means one of two things:

1) Brody Jenner personally looked at my page and blocked me after his girlfriend ran to him, crying about how mean I was. As he clicked “Block User” under my name, he probably rolled his eyes and realized that I was right all along.

- OR -

2) Jayde Nicole logged onto Brody’s Twitter account and blocked me herself. As she clicked “Block User” under my name, she probably rolled her eyes and realized that I was right all along.

Had I known Jayde was going to actually receive my message, I would have complimented her vagina as well because I just looked at her Playboy pics online, and that thing is nice. No big flappy lips or anything!

Today’s story will easily go down in the WTF? Hall of Fame. In California, a paraplegic father brutally attacked his four-year-old son while he was high on PCP. In the following article, shit gets fucked up, then even more fucked up, and then you’ll just feel like shit after reading it.

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — “It was pretty bizarre,” said neighbor Ramon Rodriguez.

Rodriguez was one of the first to discover 34-year-old Angelo Mendoza on April 28 after police said Mendoza bit an eyeball out of his 4-year-old son’s face and ate it.

“The guy was crazy. Real bug-eyed; he had to be on drugs,” said Rodriguez.

Court documents said neighbors checked on Mendoza’s son, Angelo Jr., after they noticed the father acting nervously and fleeing from his east Bakersfield apartment in his wheelchair. Inside, they found little Angelo naked and bleeding. Police said the boy had numerous bites to his hands and his eyes were swollen shut. Doctors said the boy’s left eye and muscle were completely missing. His other eye was mutilated beyond repair. The boy told them, “My daddy ate my eyes out.” Rodriguez said meanwhile Mendoza approached him at a neighbor’s vacant house down the street.

Rodriguez said the boy’s father wheeled himself into the front yard and asked Rodriguez to play with him and a pet dog. He was wearing boxers and a sweater. When Rodriguez refused, Mendoza got off his wheelchair and dragged himself into a back yard, where he found an ax.

By then Mendoza had stripped naked. He chained himself to a tree in the back yard and began hacking at his leg with a pickax while yelling incoherently.

“He told me to look into the sun and pray with him. I was kinda scared for a minute,” said Rodriguez.

Then Rodriguez jumped on Mendoza and wrestled the ax away.

“As soon as I grabbed the ax he tried to bite me, and I had to hold him down with my knee. There was dry blood around his mouth. I don’t know if it was his own, but I’m pretty sure it was his son’s now that I hear the story,” said Rodriguez.

The police report said Mendoza appeared to be under the influence of PCP. Rodriguez said had he known about little Angelo, the outcome would have been different.

“I would’ve just let him cut his leg off. What happened to his son is not right. I would’ve left him alone,” said Rodriguez.

Mendoza was arrested on charges of torture, aggravated mayhem, and cruelty to a child. The toddler is now in the custody of Child Protective Services. Mendoza is due in court May 20. His bail is set at $1 million.

This is why I do not smoke PCP. I have seriously had dreams of stabbing my thumbs into peoples’ eyes and smooshing them into their skulls. It’s a pretty amazing feeling to do that to someone — in a dream though, not real life.

Watch out for those crippled PCP-smoking criminal fathers!

Quoted article can be found HERE.

I just read an article on the Washington Post that annoyed me so bad that I got goosebumps on my scrotum. Here’s the gist of it:

“Government weather officials announced today that there is a good chance that the 2009 hurricane season, which starts June 1, could have between nine and 14 named tropical storms. Four to seven of them could become hurricanes, with as many as three reaching the dangerous Category 3 level or higher.

Dire as it sounds, and as unpredictable as the storms can be, the forecast calls for a largely normal hurricane season this year.“

Dear government weather officials,

Fuck you.

You have absolutely no idea what the storm season is going to be like this year. You can’t even accurately predict the normal weather a few hours in advance.

I checked the weather forecast this morning, and the high temperature was supposed to be 78 degrees. Four hours later, it was 84 degrees. Had I known it was going to be so hot today, I would have worn my revealing mesh panties — for the breeze, of course.

Hey, remember Hurricane Katrina? Remember how it smashed right into New Orleans, but you predicted it would travel in a penis-shaped path safely in the Atlantic Ocean.

How can you seriously make an honest assumption that Thursday morning two weeks from now will be mild and foggy with a low UV index? All I really need to know is if it’s going to be hot, cold, sunny, rainy, or windy. I can adjust my undergarments accordingly without all the other wacky forecasts.

Thank you for your time. Please stop wasting ours.

Respectfully,

Sidecarsally

I have just received word that Grammy-winning American singer Natalie Cole underwent a kidney transplant yesterday. According to CNN, she’s “resting comfortably at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.”

“First off, I’d like to thank the donor for his kidney.”

Natalie is the daughter of music legend Nat King Cole, who died in 1965 of lung cancer. Supposedly, Nat King Cole was interviewed the day before he died, and he said, “I am feeling better than ever. I think I’ve finally got this cancer licked.” He was probably just being sarcastic.

On March 31st, 2009, Natalie appeared on Larry King Live. By this time, she was on kidney dialysis three times daily and awaiting a kidney transplant. So, like any normal person, she plugged her health crisis on live television and received dozens of sympathetic e-mails from people offering their kidneys.

The original owner of Natalie’s new kidney is classified information, but it is very likely that the donor was one of the people watching Larry King on March 31st. That person can actually say, “I love Natalie Cole’s music so much, that I gave her one of my own kidneys so she would live and keep making music.”

But what if Natalie doesn’t have any new albums planned? What if she just wanted a new kidney so she could go to the Bahamas without taking her dialysis machine on the airplane?

Maybe next time Larry King could interview some sick CHILDREN that need kidneys too.

I think Amy Winehouse should be next on the list of celebrity transplants because she really needs a new face.

So, you like beatboxing. No? Then you might not like this next story, but either way, it’s sweet.

The Beatbox Battle World Championship (BBWC) recently held a “wildcard competition” — a contest held before the world championship. The winner of the wildcard competition would secure a spot to compete in the actual world championship later this month.

This year’s wildcard winner wasn’t that ridiculous wigger from your high school that had no friends. A 17-year-old Canadian girl won it.

This is Julia Dales, from Canadia. Winner of the BBWC wildcard competition:

Julia has won the opportunity to compete at the Beatbox Battle World Championship in Berlin, Germany.

It must be nice to be a female beatboxer because you can beatbox while you beat your box. Or maybe you can beatbox while someone eats your box.

The runner-up was a dude named “Primitv” from Belgium. Here he is serving up some tasty Belgian wafflebeats with maple syrup:

The BBWC kicks off in Germany on May 28th. The winner will be decided on May 31st.

If you don’t like beatboxing and you read this whole article, here’s your reward: