90 minutes ago, a 5.0 earthquake hit downtown Los Angeles. The city is reportedly in chaos as a number of small, active volcanoes have suddenly emerged in highly-populated areas.

Dozens of people have already been confirmed dead after being crushed by molten rock and burned by blasts of lava. One photographer managed to capture a man saving his daughter as volcanic ash covers the city.

Nevermind, I’m thinking of the movie Volcano.

Actually, everything is fine. It was a minor quake, and most people in L.A. are joking about it on Twitter right now. I just wanted to scare you all because the next volcano might not be so ha-ha. I mean earthquake.

I was reading about sea cucumbers on Wikipedia just now and discovered a couple interesting facts about their anuses.

Interesting sea cucumber anus fact #1:

Sea cucumbers breathe through their assholes! Water is sucked into the anus, where oxygen is extracted, and then the water is expelled. If humans had this ability, we would probably all live underwater because breathing would be more fun.

Interesting sea cucumber anus fact #2:

Certain species of tiny fish, worms, and crabs actually live inside the anuses of sea cucumbers. At night, they emerge to gather food. If humans had this ability, we would never be homeless because we could just go find a vacant sea cucumber anus to sleep in for the night.

Interesting non-anus-related sea cucumber fact #3:

Sea cucumbers are hilarious to have in photos because they look like giant alien dicks.

I met one of my comedic idols last night, Jon Dore, and got to spend some quality one-on-one time talking to him. If you had told me a year ago that I would be super excited to meet a Canadian, I would have slapped you.

If you don’t know who Jon Dore is, he’s got one of the funniest shows on television right now. Acquaint yourself with a small clip, and then fall in love with this bearded king:

When is it appropriate for men and women to lose their virginity? Women should wait until marriage before riding the meat rocket. Men, however, should be able to lose their virginity whenever they want. If you have a son who’s old enough to walk, and he’s still a virgin, you better get him started on some sexual education because he could be having sex any day now.

A father in England was arrested after trying to hire a prostitute to have sex with his 14-year-old virgin son.

The unnamed man and his son took to the streets, looking for a whore. They decided on a woman named “Sarah.” She had everything a prostitute should have – a mouth and a pussy. Oh, she also had a badge too because she was an undercover cop.

After his arrest and recent trial, the father was handed a 10-month prison sentence, which was completely suspended due to his outstanding personality. According to MSNBC.com, “Judge Jonathan Teare said he would spare the father jail because of his excellent character and that he believed he did not mean any harm to his son.”

The legal system in England is fucking amazing, isn’t it? A father is considered to have excellent character after trying to buy a hooker for his teenage virgin son. They must not have things like AIDS and syphilis in England.

Are hookers in England really that clean? Someone find out for me. If it’s true, you can fly to London for really cheap if you don’t mind a layover in Iceland.

This is not a porn site, but I do enjoy keeping my readers up-to-date on the newest and most popular sexual trends.

There are a lot of interesting sexual acts with clever names like Donkey Punch and Dirty Sanchez, but not many people know about the Abe Lincoln. Let me explain how to perform one:

Preparation

1. Prepare first by shaving your pubes and keeping them hidden in a small plastic baggy. Don’t worry… it’ll be worth it.

2. Find a victim at a party. Ideally, you are looking for a person who has passed out after heavily consuming alcohol.

3. Announce to the rest of the party, “I’m gonna give an Abe Lincoln to the first person that passes out!”

4. If anyone objects, ask them to leave the room. Now, with everyone warned, you should be safe to proceed.

Execution

1. Ejaculate on your victim’s face, focusing on the chin.

2. Using the semen as an adhesive, take the baggy of pubes and apply them to the semen-covered area — once again focusing on the chin. Arrange the pubes on your victim’s face until it resembles a beard similar to Abraham Lincoln’s.

3. Complete the presidential look by taking a large dump on top of their head. With a little imagination, the feces will resemble the form of a top hat.

Aftermath (One or more of the following scenarios)

1. Your prank draws vibrant and rich laughter from the rest of the party. Everyone instantly loves you.

2. You gain “legendary prankster” status. The women are disgusted, but the dudes love you.

3. Criminal sexual charges, prison, and being known as “the guy who cums and shits on people.”

And there you have it – the Abe Lincoln. I’m sure the greatest American president would be flattered to have such a patriotic performance named in his honor. He’s watching you tonight.