You may know Kendra Wilkinson as one of the three main whores in “The Girls Next Door” — a reality show about the pathetic gold-digging lives of three Playboy models and and their geriatric boyfriend, Hugh Hefner.

There is nothing sexy about this. At all.

Kendra’s favorite hobby used to be counting the cancerous moles on Hef’s dick, but one day, she came to her senses and said, “I don’t need to live with this old bastard and be supported by him. I can just as easily find a professional football player and do the same thing without having to worry about him dying when we have sex.”

On Saturday, Kendra married Philadelphia Eagle Hank Baskett at the Playboy mansion, while ex-boyfriend Hef watched from the crowd. “Those are my sloppy seconds,” Hef reportedly screamed during the reception.

Only special pigeons fitted with cameras could take pictures.

This is a huge fail on both the bride and groom’s part. Let’s look at the facts:

1) Kendra is only 24-years-old. It is already common sense that 24 is far too young to get married, especially when you’ve lived the party-all-day, suck-dicks-all-night kind of lifestyle that Kendra has. You can’t just quit penile-addiction overnight.

2) Kendra lived in the Playboy mansion from around 2004-5 until 2009, and then got engaged to Hank while she was still living with Hef. Either my timeline is incorrect, or something is wrong here.

3) Hank Baskett is only 27-years-old. In less than two years, he will realize that he agreed to spend the rest of his life with Kendra Wilkinson, who’s only aspirations in life are to show her tits and be provided for. Combine this with the recurring thoughts that his wife used to put her lips on an 83-year-old penis. Eventually, Hank will have a mental breakdown. “I’m sorry, I know I said I didn’t care that you fucked Hef, but I keep thinking about it and it’s just really gross,” Hank will say.

4) Kendra and Hank are already expecting a baby in December. Short relationship + Pregnancy + Marriage = Mega-Cliché.

5) After their divorce, Kendra will take a large sum of Hank’s money and then disappear. She will remarry less than a year later and do the exact same thing to another man. Ultimately, she will win the game of life for being a bottomless cunt.

OK, OK, I’m just kidding. I’m sure everything will work out fine between these two lovebirds. Marriage between young couples rarely goes sour, especially when the bride’s moral values begin at blowing an 83-year-old man in exchange for a free room at the Playboy mansion. Yeah, Kendra Wilkinson knows about love, for sure.

Congratulations Kendra and Hank. Now go fuck yourselves!

I’d like to congratulate Jon Lajoie on making this video. Every single word of it is true, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Add Jon on Myspace, tell him how awesome this video is, and then send him a bunch of nudes (especially if you’re a dude with a tiny penis).

Reuters.com has just informed us exactly how Billy Mays kicked the bucket.

“In a preliminary statement on Monday after an initial autopsy, Hillsborough County medical examiner Vernard Adams said his examination found that Mays had ‘hypertensive heart disease,’ which refers to heart disease caused by high blood pressure.“

From this, we have learned that it’s not safe to be an eccentric person all the time.

Tone it down a little.

The Hollywood grim reaper has struck again! Famous people are droppin’ like flies.

“HI, BILLY MAYS HERE! I KNOW YOU’RE DRUNK AND PASSED OUT ON YOUR FRIEND’S COUCH AT 4AM, BUT WAKE THE FUCK UP BECAUSE I’VE GOT A TOWEL I WANNA TELL YOU ABOUT!”

Billy Mays, also known as the “OxiClean Guy,” died this morning. REST IN PEACE, BILLY!

According to the Tampa Police Department, “Mays, 50, was found unresponsive by his wife inside his Tampa, Florida home at 7:45 a.m. on Sunday.”

Billy’s wife Deborah found his body and made a statement to the press this morning, but rather than giving us helpful details, she says this: “Although Billy lived a public life, we don’t anticipate making any public statements over the next couple of days. Our family asks that you respect our privacy during these difficult times.”

Hey, I just wanna know how he died. Billy claimed that he was an avid user of the products that he sold on television. What if they gave him cancer? I use OxiClean to clean my bong! I also use Kaboom to clean dried semen off the shower walls — it’s the only place I can masturbate without being interrupted by my cat. She’s so darn curious!

I never used those ridiculous Zorbees towels though. Shamwow is far superior.

Since the cause of death is unknown at this point, we can play a little game. First, watch this “bonus footage” video of Billy Mays “goofing around” during one of his commercials:

Now let’s try to guess what Billy Mays died from. Here are my guesses:

1. Heart Attack
2. Stroke
3. Brain aneurysm
4. Cancer from one or more of the follow products that he sold: OxiClean, Orange Glo, Kaboom, Engrave It, Handy Switch, iCan, Mighty Mendit, Mighty Putty (regular) & Mighty Putty Wood, Hercules Hook, AwesomeAuger, Steam Buddy, Zorbeez, Big City Slider Station, The Ding King, ESPN 360, Energize, Impact Gel Insoles, Omni DualSaw, Jupiter Jack, What Odor?, Tool Bandit, SIMONIZ Instant Shine, SIMONIZ fix it! (regular) & fix it! PRO, Gopher, Samurai Shark, Grater Plater, Ragazzi’s Pizza, and Green Now!
5. Swine Flu
6. Whatever Chris Farley died from (I can’t remember if it was drugs or fat)

Post your cause of death guesses in the comments section below.