Seattle, Washington is known as a dreary, rainy, poophole-of-a-place most of the time. The suicide rate is higher than other U.S. cities, and one theory for that is “Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D)” — it’s when people get depressed in the winter (or rainy) months because it’s cold and the sunlight is reduced.

80% of the time PCP is bad news, but you should never smoke it while living in Seattle. PCP combined with S.A.D can lead to some quirky behavior.

Around 4AM on Saturday, a naked 46-year-old man smashed through the window of a Rainier Beach church. Bleeding badly from the broken glass, the suspect went on a rampage, smearing Hepititis C and HIV-positive blood everywhere. He was arrested by police shortly after, and it is suspected that he was high on PCP.

The church had to be closed until the hazardous blood was properly cleaned, but a little HIV couldn’t stop the Unity Church of God in Christ — they held service in the Holy Parking Lot the next day.

“Sorry kids, you can’t escape the teachings of Jesus.”

The naked burglar was apparently mourning (or celebrating) the anniversary of his brother’s suicide — he hung himself in a tree on the same church’s property exactly 29 years ago.

“I don’t think it’s a coincidence, and I believe that my neighbor said he heard him saying, ‘I love you, I love you’ [to his dead brother],” said church member Angelia Hicks-Maxie.

By this time next year, I should be able to write a Top 10 article about the all-time best PCP-related stories on Sidecarsally!