You call yourself a father?
posted on June 21st, 2009 by Dustin at 11:01 am (EST) with 9 Comments
Not all of us are having a good Father’s Day. Some of us don’t even have dads. Some of us have fathers that beat us and do terrible things when they are drunk. Where’s our holiday?
If you aren’t feeling super grateful for your father, consider today The-Father-I-Never-Had Day!
The idea is to select an older male celebrity that you wish impregnated your mother rather than the piece of shit that really did.
This year, for The-Father-I-Never-Had Day, I choose Adolf Hitler to be my dad.
I wish Adolf was my father so I could cut his fuckin’ head off for abandoning me when I was a baby. He ran off with my babysitter shortly after I was born (true story).
As for saving the Jews, sorry, I wasn’t born until 1983.
Edit: Oops, this was supposed to be a happy article until the long-forgotten pain of being a bastard suddenly came back to me.
Seriously though, I wish Ronald McDonald was my real father because he could make me laugh, hook me up with free hamburgers, and I’d finally have an excuse for the tip of my penis being bright red like a clown nose (clown penis syndrome).
9 Comments - Leave One!
Tags: Clown Penis Syndrome, Father's Day, Nazis —
Comments
Comment from Dustin
Time June 21, 2009 at 11:30 am
Actually, I have a father who adopted me and I consider him my dad 100%, so I will be calling him today 
Comment from Don V
Time June 21, 2009 at 11:54 am
I wish Michael Cane was my dad – and out of wedlock so he could rightfully say to me:
You, Sir, are a complete bastard.
…with that awesome accent of his.
As the youngest of 7 I was “invisible”. My dad’s been dead for 18 years (as of today as fate would have it) and sadly I hardly care. Is what it is…
Comment from Dustin
Time June 21, 2009 at 12:08 pm
That is a truly touching story, Don V.
Brings a tear to my eye
Comment from meg
Time June 21, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I wish Meatloaf was my father.
Comment from Lucy
Time June 21, 2009 at 12:29 pm
If you were my dad Dustin, I would honestly have the best dad in the world!
But, I love my dad so happy father’s day to him! 
Comment from Don V
Time June 21, 2009 at 1:04 pm
I’m sadly disappointed by the number of articles with the “clown penis syndrome” tag. Surely there’s a day, or a walk, or at least a pithy Hallmark card for this malady.
Perhaps folks could start to shade their Twitter icons red and tag them #ClownPenisSyndrome
(lolz – I am reminded of the SNL sketch where the financial institution waited to long to get a domain, and all that was left was “www.clownpenis.fart”)
http://www.tressugar.com/1965732
Comment from David
Time June 21, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I wish Corey Taylor was my father. That way I have a reason to explain my dirty mouth and scream so much at all the dickfaces who have great dads, but don’t appreciate what they have.
Comment from josh
Time June 21, 2009 at 7:58 pm
i wish the reverend louis farrakhan was my bastard father
Comment from Wendy
Time June 21, 2009 at 11:20 am
Well be sure to call your mom and thank her for being so awesome. It could be mom’s who pick up the slack for dead ass father’s day.