Since Michael Jackson was pronounced dead this afternoon, I have heard these exact words from 37 different people: “Michael Jackson is dead, but his spirit lives on!“

I started thinking to myself, what if his spirit really is living on? And furthermore, let’s just pretend for a second, that he really was a child molester. Wouldn’t his spirit be… evil?

Michael Jackson’s spirit wouldn’t gather a bunch of professional dancer zombies and charm you with a remake of Thriller in the streets. Think again, buddy. He’s gonna go haunt-touch some little kids.

Haunt-touching a supernatural version of normal sexual molestation, but not quite as bad because the offender has no physical form — he’s a ghost, so his hand goes right through the child. They cannot technically touch themselves either. Double bummer, eh?

I had a hunch that Santa Maria, California could be in danger if Jackson’s ghost was on the prowl. Santa Maria is one of the closest suburbs to the Neverland Ranch, where Jackson’s restless spirit retreats to just before dawn.

This is the aerial view of Santa Maria that a spirit would have if it were flying around, looking for children to haunt-touch.

We need to evacuate this town.

Luckily, only the usual Catholic altar boy molestations have been reported since Thursday.

But what about Los Padres National Forest, located right next to the Neverland Ranch?

I thought, “Surely there are Boy Scouts hiking through Los Padres! They’re all in danger,”so I contacted Los Padres National Forest to warn them about the possible haunt-touching that could occur. Surprisingly, they were well aware of the situation!

Working full-time at the national forest’s lookout post is an expert team of um, national forest people. They do things like watch for forest fires, shoot rabid coyotes that attack hikers, and suck the poison out of a rattlesnake bite. They let you die if you get bitten in the penis.

They asked to remain anonymous. Jerks.

The Los Padres lookout facility boasts the latest ghost-detecting gadgets, such as this thing — the GhostMaster 3000. It does something with sound and invisible gamma rays that make your testicle hair fall out if you stand too close.

Ghosts hate this thing.

With all this technology and concern for the kids’ safety, I’m pretty sure we won’t hear anything more about Michael Jackson, except for good things. Better safe than sorry though. That’s all I’m sayin’.