Not all of us are having a good Father’s Day. Some of us don’t even have dads. Some of us have fathers that beat us and do terrible things when they are drunk. Where’s our holiday?

If you aren’t feeling super grateful for your father, consider today The-Father-I-Never-Had Day!

The idea is to select an older male celebrity that you wish impregnated your mother rather than the piece of shit that really did.

This year, for The-Father-I-Never-Had Day, I choose Adolf Hitler to be my dad.

I wish Adolf was my father so I could cut his fuckin’ head off for abandoning me when I was a baby. He ran off with my babysitter shortly after I was born (true story).

As for saving the Jews, sorry, I wasn’t born until 1983.

Edit: Oops, this was supposed to be a happy article until the long-forgotten pain of being a bastard suddenly came back to me.

Seriously though, I wish Ronald McDonald was my real father because he could make me laugh, hook me up with free hamburgers, and I’d finally have an excuse for the tip of my penis being bright red like a clown nose (clown penis syndrome).

We all know him: That one dude who strives to turn his Dodge Neon or Pontiac Sunfire into a ultra-efficient vagina-catching machine.

If you’re lucky enough to live next to him, you will be blessed with the constant sound of booming bass every other day, as he re-wires the phat sound system in his trunk.

As strange as it may seem, this guy has friends that share the same interests — customizing their rides. New friendships are born every time a new Fast and Furious movie comes out, or whenever hair gel and Nair is on sale. “Douche-bonding in Aisle 3!”

“Next week, Imma put a sick wing on the back of it!”

I live by a guy like this. Some nights, around 3AM, you can hear him in the distance. First, the sound of squealing car tires as he drifts around the street corners and punches the gas pedal when the lights turn green. Then he arrives at the end of my street, only to spin in circles several times and drive away again.

I’ll admit it: Every time, I think to myself, “I’d really like to shoot that fucker.” Apparently, other people feel the same way.

In Compton, California, a man was shot to death Friday night after doing doughnuts in his car. Police are still looking for three suspects who served-up justice by taking the law into their own hands — and by justice, I mean murder. And by law, I guess I mean gun.

According to the L.A. Times:

Before the shooting, the victim had been doing “doughnuts,” a maneuver in which the rear of a car rotates around the front wheels continuously, creating circular skid marks. Three men approached the man after he had parked his car on the driveway and shot him multiple times, then fled on foot. Paramedics took the man to a hospital, where he was pronounced dead.

Oops, I’m actually filing this under “Tragedy,” because this was in Compton, not New Jersey. That means it was most likely a black dude that got shot, rather than the douche bag pictured above. Black men aren’t capable of White and Italian-level douchebaggery.

He was probably just tryin’ to have some fun. Poor guy.

Meet 18-year-old Cunty McMasterson. She just got 56 stars tattooed on her face.

Sweet, huh? No.

Her name isn’t really Cunty, but she’s from Belgium, so you wouldn’t be able to pronounce her real name anyway.

Cunty is suing her tattooist for £10,000, claiming that she only wanted 3 stars tattooed under her left eye. Instead, she got 56 stars in the shape of the number 3.

According to her, she fell asleep while getting inked and woke up looking like the galaxy blew a load on her face.

“I think he didn’t understand what I wanted,” explained Cunty. “He spoke only fractured English and French. But I explicitly said in my native tongue, French, and also in a little bit of English when he looked confused, that I wanted three little stars only near my left eye.”

But there’s two sides to every story. According to the tattooist, it was very clear what Cunty wanted:

“I maintain that she absolutely agreed that I tattoo those 56 stars on the left side of her face. A witness has already been questioned by police, and she confirms it. The trouble all started when she went home and her father and boyfriend threw a fit. They are saying things now like I doped her or hypnotised her. What rubbish!”

Tattoist/Freakshow and Cunty (nice belt rofl)

I hate this my-word-against-yours bullshit. Here’s the truth: You can’t fall asleep while getting your FACE tattooed. You just can’t. It’s impossible. Cunty wanted all 56 stars and now she feels like an asshat.

Many of us have tattoos that we regret. I should’ve never got “Ricky Martin wuz here” tattooed right next to my anus. My colorectal surgeon probably thinks I’m a queer now.

Instead of complaining about her regrettable tattoos, Cunty should just tell people she’s from the future. Everybody has facial tattoos in the future.

Sorry I haven’t updated in awhile. The federalis came and deported me back to America.

I’m homeless right now and wandering the streets of Chicago. I’ll be back with a new story on Friday though, don’t worry <3

-Dustin

The pigs in Texas are responsible for something worse than swine flu.

“[On Thursday] Kathryn Winkfein was stopped for doing 60 mph in a 45 zone in her pickup truck on a highway near Austin, Texas. After Deputy Chris Bieze finished writing the ticket, he gave it to her and asked her to sign it, but Winkfein refused.

Bieze insisted, saying he would have to arrest her if she didn’t sign the ticket. When she wouldn’t sign, he opened the door to the truck and told her to get out.” – MSNBC

Kathryn stepped out of the car and was shoved over to the side of the road by Bieze. Her attitude from the beginning of the ordeal was very disrespectful to the officer, but dude, she’s 72-years-old.

Bieze gave Kathryn fair warning several times that she would be tasered if she didn’t comply with his orders. She taunted him back, saying, “Go ahead. Tase me. I DARE you.”

So he did.

Then she was arrested and charged with resisting arrest. If you’ve been waiting your whole life to see an old lady get tasered, BEHOLD! (watch the video )

Kathryn was charged and released from custody shortly after the incident. She immediately went squealing to the news station. She denied being argumentative and combative with the deputy, even though she was clearly acting like a cunt in the video. But dude, she’s 72-foockin’-years-old.

In Chris Bieze’s defense, the Travis County 3rd Precinct Whateverthefuck released the footage above. The idea was to clearly show Kathryn acting like an old bitch and deserving her zapping. What everyone else saw was their poor, harmless, senile grandmother getting unnecessarily electrocuted by a fat prick cop.

I would sooner punch a baby before I tasered an old woman. Even if she was running at me with a butcher’s knife. I’d just point behind her and say, “Antique Roadshow is on!” Then I’d spin kick her in the back of the head and take the knife. But I’d never taser an old lady.

Alternative Press interviewed Travis County (Texas) sheriff Greg Hamilton, and he was disgusted by Deputy Bieze’s decision to taser Kathryn. “I do not personally agree with the actions of the deputy constable as they are shown in the video. When I look at the video, I am in awe of what happened,” he said.

But Travis County Constable Richard McCain defended his fellow bacon-brother. When asked if it was really appropriate for his deputy to use his taser, he said, “Yes.”

“I’m Constable Richard McCain, and I approve this brutality.”

The Travis County constables aren’t trained in hand-to-hand combat with elderly women. I can understand why Bieze panicked as Kathryn approached him. Controlling her with his own physical strength would have been far too dangerous.

Just imagine if this was your own grandmother. You’d feel pretty bad. No? Your grandma must’ve been a bitch then. You missed out on some of the best times of your life — the Grandma Times.