You may have heard of Kenneth Pinyan, also known as Mr. Hands. Kenneth achieved Internet fame in 2005 after a popular video showed him being anally penetrated by a horse — Imagine the infamous Paris Hilton sex tape, but in a stable at night.

“I just love animals. A lot. Like, way more than normal.” – Kenneth Pinyan

Unfortunately, Kenneth never got to brag about his fame because he died of a perforated colon shortly after the horse (pictured above) destroyed his anus.

Kenneth’s video coupled with the news of his “tragic” death scared a lot of horse fuckers (zoophiles). “You can die from a giant horse erection being shoved into your intestinal tract?”

Yet the horse-touching continues.

SOUTH CAROLINA — Rodell Vereen has been arrested for the second time in a year for having sex with Barbara Kenley’s horse, Sugar. On July 19th, Rodell was caught on surveillance tape standing on a haystack behind Sugar and thrusting himself into her.

“Police kept telling me it couldn’t be the same guy,” Barbara told reporters Wednesday. “I couldn’t believe that there were two guys going around doing this to the same horse.”

The police were wrong and Barbara knew it. Armed with a shotgun, she spent several nights in Sugar’s stable. On Monday night, Rodell returned. Barbara chased Rodell back to his truck, where she held him at gunpoint until police arrived and arrested him.

After police watched Barbara’s video footage, Rodell was charged with buggery — vaginal intercourse by either a man or a woman with an animal.

“At least it was a female horse” is the only defending statement I can come up with.

This is Rodell’s second buggery offense — he was sentenced to three years of probation last year for having sex with the same horse. He was also ordered to stay away from the horse stables and declared a sex offender.

Women have been having sex with donkeys and horses for decades, but every time a guy wants to have some equestrial love adventures, people get all “Ewww” about it. America has way too many double standards — Horses need love too.

Bonus mugshot:

Yesterday was the hottest day in Vancouver’s history — 33.8 degrees Celsius. That’s ridiculously hot, but it’s also ridiculous that Canada uses Celsius instead of Fahrenheit. They also use kilometers instead of miles, and produce weird currency with beavers and polar bears printed on it. Canada’s pretty fucked up now that I think about it.

33.8 degrees Celsius is basically a fancier way of saying, “92.84 degrees Fahrenheit.”

It doesn’t matter how you say it though, yesterday was fuckin’ hot in Vancouver. You know something weird is going on when Canada is breaking high-temperature records.

I wrote this article just so I could post this picture of two elderly Vancouverites playing with squirt guns. Afterward, they tried trading secret perogie recipes with each other, but couldn’t remember how many cups of french fries you need to mix with the apples.

“Fuckin’ bitch squirted me in the goddamn eye! What the fuck, Eleanor?”

Children lovers, this next article is not for you.

TEXAS — 33-year-old Otty Sanchez is currently being held on $1,000,000 bail for the capitol murder of her 3-week-old son Scott Wesley Buchholtz-Sanchez.

San Antonio police responded to a gruesome scene at Sanchez’s home on Sunday. Inside, Otty was suffering from self-inflicted stab wounds to her chest and throat. Her son’s partially eaten and headless body was found in a bedroom.

Police officers chat about the newest donut flavor outside the scene of the crime.

San Antonio Police Chief William McManus said Sanchez ate the child’s brain and some other body parts. She also tore his face off, chewed off three of his toes and decapitated the infant before stabbing herself. She was hearing voices and said the Devil told her to do it.

No word yet on whether PCP was involved, but Otty was suffering from Postpartum depression (when you get sad after having a baby) and had been “in and out of a psychiatric ward.” Child Protective Services are kicking themselves for missing this one.

Otty is recovering from her self-inflicted wounds, and will most likely remain institutionalized for the rest of her life. But WHAT IF the Devil really did influence her?

Otty is 33-years-old and her son was 3-weeks-old. That’s 33 and 3. Put those numbers together and double them — you’ll have 666, the Devil’s address.

Also, the victim’s name was Scott Wesley Buchholtz-Sanchez. His initials were SWBS, which could stand for Someone Will Be Sacrificed. Still not convinced?

The weather in San Antonio was reportedly hotter than HELL on Sunday. Coincidence?

Where’s Jesus when you need him? This is why I hate religion.

Taser International is an ambitious company. They are constantly trying to improve upon their famed air Taser gun. Weapons can always be improved — sharper blade, faster bullet, bigger robo-dick w/ lubricating ability. All improvements.

The air Taser is already damn near perfect. It’s simple — point, shoot, stun, laugh. It’s clean — there’s no blood to clean up unless the victim bites their tongue off during a spasm. And watching a midget get tasered was hands-down the best thing ever.

“Wow, that does sound like fun! How could the Taser be improved?”

I’m glad you asked, Lakeesha. I’ll tell you.

Occasionally, the air Taser gun would misfire, leaving you defenseless. Nothing is more embarrassing than a Taser misfiring right after you scream, “GET READY TO RIDE THE LIGHTNING!” If this happens, I recommend peeing yourself and begging for mercy.

The air Taser also only fires one shot and it’s spent — kind of like me, but the air Taser won’t stalk you for weeks and masturbate outside your window on Thanksgiving.

Recapping the cons of an air Taser gun: It blows one load and sometimes shoots blanks.

Not anymore, bitches. Say hello to my lil’ friend, the TASER X3.

This new masterpiece of destruction can fire THREE electric-thingies without reloading. That means you can attack one person three times, or one person twice and another person once, OR three different people at once. If one of those shots misfires, you still got two left — just don’t repeat that “ride the lightning” thing, or you’ll sound like an asshat.

Bonus: Check out this Youtube video of a man using the Taser X3 to stun two attractive women and one decent-looking (I’m being generous) woman. This guy has the best job ever!

Finally there’s a practical sex toy for the man with three testicles!

As I reported a couple weeks ago, the garbage strike is celebrating it’s one-month anniversary in Toronto. Foul heaps of rubbish have been collecting next to bins because, apparently most people think that tossing trash on the ground next to a full bin is OK.

I saw a rat scurry away carrying a used tampon with a used condom stuck to it.

Since there is nowhere to put my own waste, I have been hording it at home and waiting for the strike to end. I guess I could transport it all to a landfill somewhere, but come on.

How much trash can a person accumulate in a month? The answer is a lot.

First thing you’ll probably notice is that I have a cigarette addiction.

There is nowhere to stash my cigarette butts and it’s really starting to affect the air quality in my home. Ironically, underneath all those butts is a really nice Bud Light ashtray.

Fast food wrappers and cups are also becoming a trip hazard in my home, completely blocking my emergency fire escape route. I’m concerned about safety because I often fall asleep on the couch with a lit cigarette in my mouth.

I can’t complain about my bedroom though because there’s actually so much trash it’s fun. I can roll right off my bed onto a mountain of pizza boxes and Styrofoam containers. When I do this, I like to imagine that I’m Scrooge McDuck in a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

Grab your swine flu masks — we’re heading into my bathroom and it’s a little dirty.

My toilet got clogged and the plumber I hired to fix it died, so now I just shit in a bucket on top of the toilet. The tub is the cleanest spot in the house because I use it to brew beer.

Mold spores seem to be more plentiful than oxygen in this part of the house. Someone told me mold is a health hazard, but I also heard that penicillin comes from mold, so WTF?

A little Vick’s Vap-o-Rub under the nostrils and it’s totally tolerable.

And last but not least, the most important room in the house, my office. This is where I spend the majority of my time writing stories for Sidecarsally. Some ashes made their way into my monitor and changed the screen to a funny green color.

My keyboard has all the necessary keys cleaned off. All those F buttons at the top are retarded, so I sprinkled ash on them on purpose. Print Screen? Nobody uses that one.

I started writing this article to show you how bad things have gotten since the trash strike started, but now I realize I just have a problem — worrying. I worry too much!

I’m gonna go take a dump and shower at the neighbors’ house if they aren’t home.