Taser International is an ambitious company. They are constantly trying to improve upon their famed air Taser gun. Weapons can always be improved — sharper blade, faster bullet, bigger robo-dick w/ lubricating ability. All improvements.

The air Taser is already damn near perfect. It’s simple — point, shoot, stun, laugh. It’s clean — there’s no blood to clean up unless the victim bites their tongue off during a spasm. And watching a midget get tasered was hands-down the best thing ever.

“Wow, that does sound like fun! How could the Taser be improved?”

I’m glad you asked, Lakeesha. I’ll tell you.

Occasionally, the air Taser gun would misfire, leaving you defenseless. Nothing is more embarrassing than a Taser misfiring right after you scream, “GET READY TO RIDE THE LIGHTNING!” If this happens, I recommend peeing yourself and begging for mercy.

The air Taser also only fires one shot and it’s spent — kind of like me, but the air Taser won’t stalk you for weeks and masturbate outside your window on Thanksgiving.

Recapping the cons of an air Taser gun: It blows one load and sometimes shoots blanks.

Not anymore, bitches. Say hello to my lil’ friend, the TASER X3.

This new masterpiece of destruction can fire THREE electric-thingies without reloading. That means you can attack one person three times, or one person twice and another person once, OR three different people at once. If one of those shots misfires, you still got two left — just don’t repeat that “ride the lightning” thing, or you’ll sound like an asshat.

Bonus: Check out this Youtube video of a man using the Taser X3 to stun two attractive women and one decent-looking (I’m being generous) woman. This guy has the best job ever!

Finally there’s a practical sex toy for the man with three testicles!