I didn’t post a story yesterday because I was too consumed by grief. Gidget died.

RIP Gidget (aka Taco Bell Dog) 1994 – July 22, 2009

Gidget appeared in Taco Bell ads from 1997-2000, and also appeared in the horror movie Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, co-starring with Reese “Weirdface” Witherspoon.

Gidget was also a woman female dog. A lot of people thought the Taco bell dog was a man dog because it had the voice of a homeless mariachi in the commercials.

I’ll start crying if I have to manually type how Gidget died, so I copied this snippet from Wikipedia. Get your tissues ready people. Some fuckin’ tears are gonna fall.

On Tuesday July 21, 2009, she was happy and active. She appeared to be fine and happy until the very end when, while she and her trainer were watching TV, she suffered a massive stroke. She was euthanized the next day.

I’m sorry, I have to go now. Can’t stop crying on my keyboard. GIDGETTTTTTT!!!

15 years is a long time for a rat to live.

Besides 9/11, Jon & Kate Gosselin are probably the greatest American tragedy ever.

I remember when Jon & Kate Plus 8 first aired on television. America was captivated by the happy couple and their eight little quarter-Korean babies. I wasn’t fooled though.

My first reaction to the show was, “Wow, 8 kids. Their divorce is gonna suck.”

People rolled their eyes at me. A married couple wouldn’t get divorced if they had that many kids. Surely they’d stay together and make it work. For the kids, right? LOL, no.

The Gosselins’ divorce is in full swing right now, and Jon is already poking a new hole.

Meet 22-year-old Hailey Glassman, Jon’s new girlfriend. The tabloids are currently in the process of tearing her a new a-hole because *gasp* she’s 22-years-old and likes to party!

“Wha wha!” So gangsta.

For the past couple of days, I have been bombarded with stories about Hailey Glassman. OMG She drinks a lot. She had a lesbian threesome. She sucked a dick. She smokes pot.

Seriously, who hasn’t done all these things? Even your Grandma was young once and I’m positive she’s had a penis in her mouth at some point.

Let’s not focus on Hailey’s typical college slut behavior. She and Jon are in love. They have to be. She even left her two previous boyfriends (simultaneously) to be with him.

Two Guys, One Slut

All sarcasm aside: Rather than criticizing her lifestyle, we should try to find out what Hailey really wants with a divorced man with 8 kids. She obviously has no idea how hard it is to change a diaper when you’re shit-faced wasted and passed out in a houseplant.

Bonus image: Hailey Glassman, shit-faced wasted and passed out in a houseplant.

Win.

Nothing annoys me more than a young couple being joined together in marriage.

You want to get married? Fine, it’s your choice (obviously) — just don’t ask for my blessings because I already foresee your future. It goes like this: Kids, Depression, Divorce, Suicide.

Meet Kelly Hildebrandt and Kelly Hildebrandt. Yes, they have the same name, but they aren’t related. At least, I hope not because they’re engaged to be married soon.

24-year-old Kelly Hildebrandt (left) and 20-year-old Kelly Hildebrandt (right).

According to the NY Daily News, the female Kelly goes by “Kelly girl” and her groom-to-be is known as “Kelly boy” or simply Kelly. On Sidecarsally, they’re known as Anus 1 and 2.

One day, Kelly girl searched her own name on Facebook to see if there were any other Kelly Hildebrandts. She came across Kelly boy’s profile and sent him this message:

“Hi. We had the same name. Thought it was cool.” The rest is history.

8 months later, they got engaged to be married. A fuckin’ fairy tale if I’ve ever heard one.

HEY I’M GONNA MARRY SOMEONE THAT I’VE ONLY KNOWN FOR 8 MONTHS BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE SAME NAME AS ME AND WE GET ALONG REALLY WELL, THEREFORE WE MUST BE IN LOVE AND SHOULD GET ENGAGED RIGHT AWAY.

Girls that wear camo hats are destined to be perma-pregnant.

Last Thursday, fans missed their beloved Mischa Barton at the premier of the new thriller Homecoming. Mischa wanted to attend, but she’s on suicide watch at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Wednesday, she called the LA Police with a “medical emergency.”

When Mischa Barton has an emergency, it usually means she’s out of cocaine. In this case, she had actually done too much coke — quite a task for the Powder Princess. Sources say that she was on a 3-day binge before being calling police for help.

Heavy cocaine users often think they’re having heart attacks. It’s fun to watch.

I wrote an article about Mischa when she got a DUI in December 2007. She was sentenced to 3 years of probation in April 2008 for her DUI, and said this:

“I’m 100 percent responsible for my actions in this case and I’m really disappointed in myself… I don’t know what to say about it, except that I’m not perfect and I just don’t ever intend to do something this stupid again.”

Since then, Mischa has not only NOT quit drinking, but now she supplements her alcohol with cocaine and starvation. What’s next? A sex tape, hopefully.

I’ll keep everyone updated if the little bag o’ bones dies.

Bonus: Barton’s new movie Homecoming currently has a ZERO percent rating on RottenTomatoes.com. That means 100% of the reviews have been negative ;/

Some people are truly obsessed with automobiles. I know more than a few guys who probably jerk off on their cars every night and buff their semen into the paint after it dries.

Seriously dude, get a girlfriend.

I’m the opposite. I hate vehicles. All of ‘em. Well, except for the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile.

A wise man once said that if the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile doesn’t make you smile, then you have no soul. You could be at your own child’s funeral and still laugh when you think about that 27-foot-long wiener rolling down the street, blaring the Wiener Song.

On Friday, the Wienermobile crashed into a home in Wisconsin. The driver thought she put it in reverse, but was surprised when she drove forward and smashed through a garage — Not as surprised as I was when I found out they let a WOMAN drive the Wienermobile!

I’ll bet equal rights had something to do with this.

Nobody was injured, and one lucky homeowner will probably get free hot dogs forever.

Bonus Link: The Wienermobile’s accident history.