I apologize for the short notice, but Sidecarsally will not be updated for the next week.

I’m going on a retreat, deep in the woods, where I plan on fishing all day and having sex with the local wildlife all night. You may think that’s sick, but you haven’t fucked a deer.

All of the archives going back to January 16th, 2008 have been fixed so the images show up now. That means you can spend the next week reading old Sidecarsally articles! Yay!

If anything, you can criticize my photo editing skills before I got Photoshop.

Have fun, and don’t get arrested or die while until I get back <3

I have something to admit. I had a crush on Lady Gaga until I heard this on the radio:

Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick.
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.

The first time I heard those lyrics, I confirmed them on the Internet, and then a fit of rage took over my body. “She can’t be for real,” I thought. “Nobody calls it a disco stick.” Next thing I knew, people were singing it on the streets. “I need a gun,” I thought.

I always defended Lady Gaga’s “quirky” sense of style until I heard the disco stick song. It’s funny how our feelings change about people after they annoy us.

Yesterday, Gaga appeared at a press conference for the Isle of MTV Malta music festival wearing a shiny black “mask-type thing” on her face. She looked like a goth burn victim.

Lady Gaga in Malta, auditioning to be a nurse in the next Silent Hill movie.

When asked about the mask, she said, “It’s not just a mask, it’s a contemporary art piece.”

Art, shart. It’s fairly obvious that her costume was inspired directly from Voldo, the creepy blind guy from the fighting game Soul Calibur. Add some hand-blades, and they’re twins.

“This isn’t just my fighting costume, it’s contemporary art piece.”

Many people don’t know this, but Lady Gaga used to look like a human. But you can’t have a name like Lady Gaga, and look like some boring Italian bitch on Facebook.

Gaga, in an old picture, posing with some strange white-faced people.

The man pictured below is David Miller, Mayor of Toronto, Ontario.

David Miller, giving a speech from inside the Brass Rail Gentleman’s Club.

Today, Miller appeared on CNN, where he discussed Toronto’s biggest problem — a strike by 24,000 city workers, most importantly, a GARBAGEMAN STRIKE.

“Garbageman” might be politically incorrect, but I’ve never seen a garbagewoman, sooo…

Since June 22nd, no garbage has been cleaned out of bins anywhere in Toronto unless by volunteers. The city smells like shit everywhere you go. Imagine walking through Chinatown when fish carcasses and dead cats have been left to broil in the summer sun.

It smells like a nuclear war between used tampons and aborted fetuses.

Don’t believe me? Here, watch this:

On CNN, “Mayor” Miller lied to America and played-down the severity of our situation. “Despite all these challenges, it’s actually a great time to visit Toronto,” he said.

Yeah, If you wanna get attacked by a raccoon. They’re everywhere now.

These are real raccoons.

Next time you visit Toronto, try walking around. You will get human feces on your shoes. Unless Miller can reach a deal with the Union, it’s only going to get worse. We’re gonna be fucked in 2010 when Michigan stops letting us dump our trash on them!

I urge everyone living in Toronto to pick up some garbage today. Please.

OHIO — Perry Township police chief Timothy Escola has recently “retired” after being caught on his own dashboard camera kissing fellow officer Janine England — while escorting a suspect in custody.

We now have photos of the two officers involved:

Timothy Escola is a fucking PIMP. Ew, Janine. WTF?

30-year-old sex kitten Janine England was fired today after the video exploded on Youtube faster than Escola exploded in his Depends. A semen explosion, not diarrhea — that was later.

In the video, Janine looked closely at the backseat a few times. Nobody knows why, but she appeared to whisper something off-topic from the handjob she was giving. Distraction is key. “How bout that Michael Jackson memorial? K, look away now.”

I’m sorry you lost your job, Janine. Come work for me. I’ll pay you one dick per hour.

Crystal Defanti is a 5th grade teacher at Isabelle Jackson Elementary in Northern California. She wanted to do something special for her students on their last day of school this year, so she compiled a bunch of video memories of the school year and burned them onto a DVD. All of her 24 students were sent home for the summer with the DVD.

Unfortunately, she made a little mistake in the editing process, and somehow spliced in a 6-second clip of her having sex on a couch.

CBS News aired the clip, but not before enjoying it first, then censoring it.

Ms. Defanti was first notified of the mistake when a student’s parent called her. Immediately, she contacted all of the parents and asked them to return or destroy the DVDs — to which every father replied, “Oh yeah, don’t worry. I’ll destroy it. Right after I’m done with it.”

The only problem with a 6-second porn clip, is that you have to keep playing it on an endless loop. This is very frustrating to do when you have one hand full of sausage.

As for Defanti’s teaching career, “The Elk Grove Unified School District says they are investigating, but legal experts say it’s unlikely that the teacher will lose her job.“

Oh, I’m sure they’re INVESTIGATING it alright. Investigating it with some lube.

“Even mommy and daddy can watch this one — after you go to bed.”

If anyone can find the uncensored sex clip, please edit it so it loops for about… 3 minutes, and then upload it in the 18+ section of the Sidecarsally Forums. I’ll be waiting.