A gamekeeper in Uganda had a close brush with death this weekend. He disturbed a full-grown hippopotamus while it was eating. Big mistake, buddy!

Luckily, Ugandans are crazy fast runners.

Most people don’t know this, but hippos are fucking insane. They can run up to 30mph — faster than any human — and they also kill more humans than any other African animal.

Most people that have seen a hippo up-close in the wild are DEAD.

This photo deserves to win some sort of National Geographic award.

Even crocodiles can’t fuck with hippos. A crocodile will often target baby hippo calves in the water, but the adults will team up and destroy it.

Despite all this violence towards humans and crocodiles, hippos rarely kill each other. I guess that makes them more civilized than humans. Fuck humans!

Bonus fact (compliments of Wikipedia): Some incidents of hippo cannibalism have been documented, but it is believed to be the behavior of distressed or sick hippos, and not healthy behavior. — I guess we aren’t so different after all.

Is it just me, or does this empty tissue box look like a vagina?

Have you ever watched the show Grey’s Anatomy? Me neither. However, a lot of women actually do watch it and they’re obsessed with Eric Dane — “McSteamy.”

“Oh my gawd, he’s like, soooo fuckin’ hawt.” Jesus, shut up about this man.

McSteamy, naked in front of another man. Guess I missed this episode.

All you ladies are in for a real treat today. An old “sex tape” has been leaked that shows Eric Dane nude with his wife Rebecca “Horseface” Gayheart and Kari Ann Peniche.

Kari Ann Peniche is a tasty little morsel who lost her Miss Teen USA crown after posing nude in Playboy. Although she has a poor tit-to-areola ratio, she’s still fine.

I’ve definitely JO’d to Kari Ann before. Like right now, perhaps.

Although it’s considered a “sex tape,” there’s no actual sex in the video. Here’s what you get to see: One penis, four tits, a couple of asses, and brief glimpse at Kari Ann’s snatch.

McSteamy’s wife, Rebecca Gayheart isn’t exactly a “trophy wife,” but she certainly makes up for it by participating in threesomes with Playboy models.

This is by far Gayheart’s best performance.

You can watch the uncensored video HERE, but don’t expect too much. Dicks are dicks, right?

I was at a bar in downtown Toronto on Saturday night and saw Michael Cera (Superbad, Juno)walk by with two friends. I caught up and got a picture with him.

Yes, my mustache really is as awesome as it looks. So is Michael Cera.

I let Michael know I wasn’t just some ordinary douchebag off the street, but he was probably unconvinced because I was clearly intoxicated.

However, he was very approachable and assured me by saying, “You haven’t seen some of the real douchebags around here.”

He also said that I reminded him of another friend — most likely Jonah Hill from Superbad.

All in favor of a new friendship between Sidecarsally and Michael Cera, say “Aye!”

When America first heard about Heidi Pratt’s appearance in Playboy Magazine, half the population got massive erections followed by the urge to go masturbate in anticipation.

Or maybe that was just me. Either way, nobody should be excited about this anymore because she’s not even going to appear nude in September’s issue.

Although Heidi appears on the cover of the September Playboy and a 6-page pictorial inside, don’t expect to see any nipples, beaver, or even a bare ass.

“What about her taint? Will she show that, maybe?”

I just said that she’s NOT gonna show tits, vag, or ass, but you ask about her taint?

I’ve seen more nudity in a Sears catalogue. We wanna see your VA-GI-NA.

Here’s the really fucked up part: Playboy not only agreed to show no nudity of Heidi, but they also let Spencer conduct the interview. This is all very rare behavior for Playboy, and nobody really knows why. Does Hugh Hefner have Alzheimer’s or something?

“The body is a beautiful creation. If anything, the reason I didn’t show everything is because I plan to get a few more upgrades,” Heidi tells Spencer in the interview. “I’m definitely not done with my surgical quest,” she added.

She also brags to the magazine that she has 30 orgasms a day, and that Spencer is a “sex god.” No wonder they’re always praising Jesus on Twitter!

Spencer Pratt, acting like himself (a douchebag).

Death, if you’re reading this, please take care of these two a-holes.