When I saw the headline Cops Called to Jon and Kate Gosselin’s Home, I thought this is it — they finally murdered each other and I get to write about it!

Too bad it was just Kate Gosselin complaining about shit YET AGAIN. These two need to hurry up and get that fuckin’ divorce finalized!

Around 6PM yesterday, Kate called the house to find out which babysitter was helping with the children. When she didn’t approve of the caretaker, she showed up at the house and an argument with Jon ensued. Kate called police, but when they arrived, she got owned:

Due to the custody agreement, Kate couldn’t enter the property. The cops had no choice but to tell Kate she couldn’t go past the gate. Distraught and in tears, Kate left and checked in to a nearby hotel. [1]

Kate Gosselin wants America to feel bad for her. That’s why she keeps saying shit like this:

“I cry all the time, in numerous airports, in airplanes. I try to cry very incognito, behind my sunglasses. And after those tears, there’s always the feeling of how did I get here?“

Here’s how you got there: YOU HAD 8 FUCKING KIDS! You already had twins, but just HAD to try for more. Your greed for babies has done this to you, so blame YOURSELF.

Sources: 1

Bonus: While Kate slowly falls apart mentally and emotionally, Jon is slowly transforming into a world-class teen-fucking alcoholic douchebag — I’d still rather be Jon than Kate though.

If you had a “Three Mile Smile” just thinking about catching Aerosmith live this summer, “Dream On,” dude. You might as well play with the “Toys in the Attic.”

Those were all Aerosmith song titles, if you’re 15-years-old and didn’t know.

Steven Tyler ruined himself during a live performance last week after falling off the stage in South Dakota. He suffered from a head laceration and broken shoulder. He explains:

“I ran out on the cat walk and grabbed my mic to finish the song… I was doing the Tyler shuffle, and then I zigged when I should have zagged — and I slipped, and as I live on the edge … I fell off the edge!” [1]

Living on the edge, my ass. Tyler has a history of exaggerating events like this. He’s a 61-year-old performer that wears more makeup than an Asian prostitute. It was only a matter of time before some mascara dripped in his eye and he fell off the stage.

After thousands of performances, this is only Tyler’s fourth time falling off stage. No longer using cocaine to numb the pain, doctors advised him to take time off to recover.

Tyler’s injury isn’t the first hiccup for the band this summer either.

Aerosmith’s summer tour has been plagued by a rash of injuries and setbacks. Bassist Tom Hamilton missed a few shows due to some unspecified “noninvasive surgery,” guitarist Brad Whitford sat out a number of gigs early in the run after suffering a head injury while exiting his Ferrari, and Tyler was knocked out of a few gigs last month after he sustained an unspecified injury. [1]

I think it’s time for some unplugged sessions, guys.

Bonus: Tyler has a daughter named Mia, who is a well known plus sized model.

Extra bonus nude of her HERE

Sources: 1

The following arrrrticle was written by a pirate:

Arr! Today be a sad day fer the world. Guitarrr pioneer Les Paul died, but he lived a long and pros-PARRR-ous life after inventin’ all them fancy electric guitarrrs.

He was ninety-FARRR (94).

Arrr, he was a good lad, not a scallywag like that ol’ Argus Bloodbeard!

Rest in peace, Les Paul. Soon ye be shreddin’ in heaven.

Bonus (not in a pirate voice anymore): Les Paul’s first electric guitar prototype was called “The Log.” That’s another name for a turd. “Hey man, come check out this huge log I shat out. It’s curlin’ out of the toilet, bro!”

Oh, and the pirate forgot to mention Les Paul died of Pneumonia :[

There are a lot of shitty medical conditions that people deal with with — herpes, retardism, Broca’s aphasia, etc. What? You’ve never heard of Broca’s aphasia?

Sufferers of this form of aphasia exhibit the common problem of agrammatism. For them, speech is difficult to initiate, non-fluent, labored, and halting. [1]

Some people can only pronounce a single one-syllable word, like “cock.”

The man in the video below can only say the word “tono.” Inside his own mind, he’s speaking normally, but Broca’s aphasia is fuckin’ his shit up! Check it out:

I’d love to hang out with him for one day — any longer than that, and I’d be annoyed.

That looks like fun! How can I get Broca’s aphasia?

Broca’s aphasia is caused by damage to or developmental issues in anterior regions of the brain, including (but not limited to) the left posterior inferior frontal gyrus known as Broca’s area. [1]

Translation: If you weren’t born with Broca’s aphasia, have a med student strike the speech center of your brain with a hammer and there’s a good chance you’ll get it.

Sources: 1, JamesGunn.com

On July 30th, a video titled “duckhunt” was posted on Youtube. It showed David Fraser, James Fraser, and Jeremy Rowlands illegally massacring a family of ducks that were floating in a small pond in Saskatchewan, Canada.

The video begins with an image of the Nintendo video game, Duck Hunt, and then cuts to a young man driving a Hyundai Tiburon with a rifle in his lap. From the driver’s seat, he then begins to shoot at ducks in a pond, repeatedly blasting away at the remains of one floating carcass, to his friends’ amusement. [1]

The men continued shooting from outside the car. Some of the victims were ducklings — the cutest things ever (after kittens, of course).

The video immediately angered everyone with a soul, and police began asking for tips to find the poachers. They were arrested last week and charged with breaking several wildlife laws. Believe it or not, you can’t murder a family of ducks (legally) until September 1st.

Jeremy Rowlands, left, James Fraser, center, and David Fraser, fat right.

This actually sounded like a good idea to someone: Torture a family of adorable ducklings outside of hunting season. Document the evidence on video. Include faces and names of friends in the video. Post it on Youtube. Don’t expect to piss off thousands of people.

Upon looking at the three poachers, I could tell immediately that James Fraser seemed the most regretful. In the photo above, he seems to have a solemn expression, as if he had just killed an adorable duckling and feels terrible about it. David looks hungry.

If you guessed James, you’re correct!

“I totally regret that day,” James Fraser told the court after entering the guilty plea. “I’m very sorry that everybody had to see that.” [3]

All three men faced the same four charges: careless use of a firearm, allowing game flesh to be spoiled or wasted, illegally hunting ducks and grebes out of season and illegally hunting migratory birds with a rifle. Jeremy Rowlands also faced a charge of firing a gun from a vehicle.

Rowlands was fined $6,000 and the other two men were fined $5,000 each. [2]

Experiencing pleasure and amusement from the torture of animals, especially adorable ducklings, is a red flag for future pedophiles and serial rapist cannibals like Jeffrey Dahmer.

In the summer of 2007, a group of Ukrainian teenagers murdered 21 people with hammers. Police found videos and photos of every murder, as well as evidence of the teens torturing animals. You can read about that HERE — it’ll be a great topic at dinner.

Oh, those wacky Ukrainians!

Sources: 1, 2, 3