Remember that scene in The Little Mermaid when Ariel got pregnant and delivered her baby 16 weeks prematurely? Everyone thought her baby was dead because it was so tiny and unresponsive, so they held a funeral for it and Sebastian the Crab played the flute.

Maybe I had the Director’s Cut. Either way, this next story is quite similar.

PARAGUAY — On August 7th, a baby was born 16 weeks prematurely. Weighing only 500g (just over 1 pound), its heartbeat and respiratory response were so weak that doctors pronounced it dead and gave it back to the parents in a cardboard box.

A few hours later, the grieving parents went home and opened the box, but their newborn son wasn’t dead at all — he was awake and crying like the average baby, just smaller.

“I opened the box and took the baby out and he cried. I got scared and I said ‘the baby’s crying’ … and then he started moving his arms, his legs and I got scared, we got very scared,” said one member of the family. [1]

Scared? Apparently they thought it was an undead zombie baby, rather than a miracle.

The baby is now back in the intensive care unit in stable condition.

To determine if there was negligence on the part of the medical staff, the hospital has begun an investigation. “OK guys, which one of you said the baby was dead? You’re fired.”

True Fact: Preemies really do taste better than normal newborns. You can pull their arms right out of the socket and the tender meat slides right off the bone.

Sources: 1

“Diamonds are a lady’s best friend,” is how the old saying goes. That’s not really true anymore because plastic surgery is actually a lady’s best friend . Diamonds never made any woman’s face or tits look better. In fact, diamonds are overrated.

South Africa made the headlines (on page 57) today when a 507.55-carat diamond was discovered in a mine outside Johannesburg — I like to pronounce it “Jo-ANUS-Burg.”

Women are creaming their pants everywhere for this. The mustache, not the diamond.

Johan Dippenaar, chief executive of Petra Diamonds Ltd. said in a statement Tuesday that the diamond was of “exceptional color and clarity.” He gets wood just thinkin’ about it.

No value has been placed on the diamond yet, but they’re probably going to consider it “priceless” and give it to the Brits for their stupid Crown Jewel collection.

The largest diamond ever was also discovered in South Africa, and was 3,106 carats in the rough. It was trimmed down considerably and fitted into Britain’s Imperial Scepter.

Diamonds are basically chunks of dinosaur shit that metamorphosed over 3 billion years under a high-pressure high-temperature condition 100 miles beneath the Earth. Big deal.

The only diamonds that are worthwhile collecting are Carbonados or “black diamonds.” Some scientists think they came from outer space, or were formed by meteoritic impact at the Earth’s surface. Tell that to a girl next time you on a date and you’ll get pussy for sure!

Quality Comment: “Some poor black guy found that shit.” –Patrick

Aside from attractive lesbians, snakes are the second most fascinating creatures on Earth. Did you know that some people actually believe that snakes were made by God? The truth is, snakes actually evolved from worms, and worms came from space.

The only thing in nature more dangerous than a penguin with rabies is a snake with legs. I know what you’re thinking: “Rabid penguins are scary, but snakes don’t have legs!”

They do now, bitch.

CHINA — Dean Qiongxiu had just finished taking a crap when she noticed something clinging to her bathroom wall. It was a 16″ snake fitted with a fully-functional eagle claw.

Dean killed the snake by bashing it repeatedly with a shoe, and then preserved its body in alcohol before turning it over to the Department of Life Sciences.

After the snake’s autopsy results are released to the public, I’m sure it will confirm our worst fears: Snakes are slowly evolving into real fire-breathing dragons. Fuck the fairy tales, this shit is real. Here’s an artist’s rendition of what future snakes will look like:

The same goes for two-headed snakes. Still not convinced? I don’t care. Your precious grandchildren are going to be the ones running around with flames on their backs.

The elderly flatulent pictured below is famed movie director Roman Polanski. He directed Rosemary’s Baby and The Pianist along with several other movies you didn’t see.

In 1977, Polanski (44-years-old at the time) invited a 13-year-old female model over to Jack Nicholson’s house to “take some pictures” of her. He ended up getting her drunk on champagne and loaded on pills — and then he raped her.

Roman Polanski: Director, humanitarian, child molester.

Polanksi was originally charged with rape by use of drugs, perversion, sodomy, lewd and lascivious act upon a child under 14, and furnishing a controlled substance to a minor.

After a plea bargain, most of the charges were dropped and replaced with a single “lesser” charge of engaging in unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor. This makes sense to you, right? He didn’t rape her; he just had unlawful sex with her against her will (rape).

Oddly enough, the victim and her mother requested that Polanski not go to prison for his rape charges. A judge ordered that Polanksi serve 42 days at Chino State Prison and undergo a mental evaluation. He was released after the evaluation, but rather than reporting back to court for further sentencing, he fled the country and moved to France.

Since France hates America, they refused to extradite Polanksi back to the U.S. to face his punishment. He has not returned to America since the day he fled, but why would he? Most of France loves his movies and they even consider him a national hero — he’s right up there with Napoleon Bonaparte and Jacque “Le Ripper” (French copycat of Jack the Ripper).

The American government hasn’t forgotten about the dirty old man though. They have been waiting for him to show his face outside of France for 30 years.

On Saturday, Polanski was finally arrested in an airport at Zurich, Switzerland in relation to his outstanding 1978 U.S. arrest warrant. People claim that the Swiss remain “neutral” during international affairs, but it appears they definitely favor America over rape.

Polanski is currently being detained and will most likely be in court sometime this week. Thousands of Polanski fans are outraged by America’s ability to hold a grudge for so long, but umm… HE FUCKING ANALLY RAPED A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL!

Oh, I forgot he makes good movies too. That just makes it all better :/

The ironic part of this whole mess is that the victim, Samantha Geimer, claims that it was the media that ruined her life and dreams of becoming an actress — not Polanski.

Earlier this year, Geimer filed to have the charges against Polanski dismissed from court, saying that decades of publicity continues to traumatize her and her family.

During interviews, Geimer says she has forgiven Polanski for raping her, and even went to the premiere of the documentary Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired.

“I know he raped me, but he makes damn fine movies, so whatever.”

WTF is going on here? Once upon a time, the world thought rape was a terrible thing.

Bonus irony: Polanski was arrested in Sweden, and Samantha Geimer has a textbook case of Stockholm Syndrome. All you teenagers will get that joke after Googling “Stockholm Syndrome” and looking at a map of Sweden.

Sources: 1

88-year-old Biagio Sciscione may look old as fuck, but — well, he is. But don’t make him angry; You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

NEW JOISEY — Last Sunday, Biagio and his wife were relaxing at home in Jersey when they heard a knock at the door. It was a woman claiming to be from a local church. Like any elderly couple with nothing better to do, they invited the woman into their home.

(The woman wasn’t really from the local church)

As the Scisciones chatted with the guest in their kitchen, three thugs quietly entered the house and stole Biagio’s safe containing valuable jewelry.

Biagio looked out his window and saw his safe being carried away by the thieves. Normally aided by a wheelchair and cane, the old man ran down a flight of stairs to confront the robbers outside. Biagio explains how the violence escalated:

“The guy pushed me; I gave him a sock … a good sock, and he stood there and looked at me. I said, ‘You’re gonna get some more if you don’t drop that safe.’”

“I dropped my cane and I just went in action,” says Biagio. (true quote)

Rather than laughing at the feisty WWII veteran and giving him an adult diaper wedgie, the crooks dropped the safe and ran away. Cowards!

If I was a desperate criminal holding a safe filled with valuable jewelry and the only thing blocking my exit was an 88-year-old man, he would not be on the local news the next day telling everyone how he beat me up; he’d be dead and I’d have some new jewelry.

The Scisciones and other witnesses were able to provide police with detailed descriptions of the suspects. A hair sample was also found at the scene (probably not a pube).

As for his miraculous strength and courage, Biagio credits God for that:

“The Lord was with me,” says Biagio. “I have him here all the time.”

The Lord must have a weird sense of humor: He gave Biagio the strength to scare away four burglars, but he still shits the bed every night and has dementia.

Sources: 1