Aside from attractive lesbians, snakes are the second most fascinating creatures on Earth. Did you know that some people actually believe that snakes were made by God? The truth is, snakes actually evolved from worms, and worms came from space.

The only thing in nature more dangerous than a penguin with rabies is a snake with legs. I know what you’re thinking: “Rabid penguins are scary, but snakes don’t have legs!”

They do now, bitch.

CHINA — Dean Qiongxiu had just finished taking a crap when she noticed something clinging to her bathroom wall. It was a 16″ snake fitted with a fully-functional eagle claw.

Dean killed the snake by bashing it repeatedly with a shoe, and then preserved its body in alcohol before turning it over to the Department of Life Sciences.

After the snake’s autopsy results are released to the public, I’m sure it will confirm our worst fears: Snakes are slowly evolving into real fire-breathing dragons. Fuck the fairy tales, this shit is real. Here’s an artist’s rendition of what future snakes will look like:

The same goes for two-headed snakes. Still not convinced? I don’t care. Your precious grandchildren are going to be the ones running around with flames on their backs.