“Diamonds are a lady’s best friend,” is how the old saying goes. That’s not really true anymore because plastic surgery is actually a lady’s best friend . Diamonds never made any woman’s face or tits look better. In fact, diamonds are overrated.

South Africa made the headlines (on page 57) today when a 507.55-carat diamond was discovered in a mine outside Johannesburg — I like to pronounce it “Jo-ANUS-Burg.”

Women are creaming their pants everywhere for this. The mustache, not the diamond.

Johan Dippenaar, chief executive of Petra Diamonds Ltd. said in a statement Tuesday that the diamond was of “exceptional color and clarity.” He gets wood just thinkin’ about it.

No value has been placed on the diamond yet, but they’re probably going to consider it “priceless” and give it to the Brits for their stupid Crown Jewel collection.

The largest diamond ever was also discovered in South Africa, and was 3,106 carats in the rough. It was trimmed down considerably and fitted into Britain’s Imperial Scepter.

Diamonds are basically chunks of dinosaur shit that metamorphosed over 3 billion years under a high-pressure high-temperature condition 100 miles beneath the Earth. Big deal.

The only diamonds that are worthwhile collecting are Carbonados or “black diamonds.” Some scientists think they came from outer space, or were formed by meteoritic impact at the Earth’s surface. Tell that to a girl next time you on a date and you’ll get pussy for sure!

Quality Comment: “Some poor black guy found that shit.” –Patrick