September 22, 2009

Dear Peter

Hey Peter, if you’re reading this, I found your name tag in the street.

Hope you’re OK, buddy.

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September 21, 2009

“Baby stabbed in the head”

WINNIPEG, MANITOBA — When people in Winnipeg have problems, who do they call? Nobody. They just grab a baby and smash it into the concrete, or stab it in the head.

Three weeks ago, Tyler Bilsborrow rescued an infant when he saw a woman repeatedly smashing its face into the concrete outside his home. He recounted the grisly details:


“She just grabbed the baby and started smashing it like, ‘Ahhhhhhhh,’” says Tyler.

Nikita Eaglestick is the woman who abducted the baby girl and bashed her face in earlier this month. Prior to this attack, Nikita was out on bail for attacking a woman with a screwdriver. Judging from the picture below, she’s in some kind of violent gang.


Nikita Eaglestick throwin’ up Native American gang signs in Hell.

On Saturday, another brutal attack involving a baby was reported in the same housing complex mentioned above — only Tyler Bilsborrow wasn’t there to stop it this time.

An 8-month-old boy was rushed to the hospital in serious condition after being stabbed in the head during an argument between his mother and father.

“Police said that a verbal dispute between the father and the baby’s mother began inside the woman’s home around 4 p.m. and escalated when the man swung a metal object at the woman, who was holding the baby. Police wouldn’t say what the object was, only that it was metal, sharp and not something normally used as a weapon.” [1]

I’m guessing the weapon was a either potato peeler or a fancy knight’s helmet.

Both parents were suspected of drinking alcohol prior to the argument (surprise). “Dude, this weekend was crazy! I got drunk and stabbed my kid in the head with a potato peeler!”

The father was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, assault with a weapon, and two counts of violating restraining orders. The mother was not charged.


“Nothing to see here, people — except for that sweet bloodstain over there.”

And people say nothing interesting ever happens in Canada. Hah!

Sources: 1, 2

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September 18, 2009

Crazy man on the loose in Washington

SPOKANE, WA — In 1987, Phillip Arnold Paul murdered an old woman because evil witch voices in his head told him to do so. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia and acquitted from the murder charge, but since he was unsafe to mingle with the public, Paul was sentenced to live at Eastern State Hospital (for the criminally insane).


He’s actually a pretty nice guy until those witch voices start up again.

Police are now on the lookout for the 57-year-old nutter after he escaped today during a supervised hospital field trip to a local fair. Schizophrenic pyschos at the local fair? Genius.

“So, dangerously insane institutionalized criminals get to go on field trips?”

Apparently so, and the bigwigs at Eastern State Hospital didn’t realize what a shit-poor idea that was until today. Maybe the escapee will murder again and teach everyone a lesson in responsibility. Decapitate somebody, Phillip — the voices want you to!

“So let me get this straight: You can murder someone because you ‘hear voices,’ get institutionalized, and even though you’re insane, still get to go on public field trips?”

Yes, that’s what I’m saying. Stop interrupting me, voice in my head.

“Go pee on a baby, Dustin. Kill a midget and eat his tiny little man-brain. Turn into a coyote and eat Jessica Simpson’s dog right in front of her. Then pee on her too. Babydicks.”

Listen guys, I gotta go take care of this voice. Don’t pick up any hitchhikers this weekend.

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September 17, 2009

Jessica Simpson still looking for her dead dog

According to Jessica Simpson, I am an asshole.

If you recall my story from yesterday, Simpson’s dog was eaten by a coyote.

I’m not an asshole, Jessica. You’re a hillbilly bitch with a dick in your brain.

YOUR DOG IS FUCKING DEAD.

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September 16, 2009

Jessica Simpson’s missing (dead) dog

Jessica Simpson is having a rough year. First, she got fat. And then, Tony Romo broke up with her the night before her 29th birthday (probably because she got fat). Her most recent tragedy, however, is saddest of all: her dog was stolen on Monday… by a coyote.

With the help of the website FindToto.com, Jessica has launched a nationwide search for Daisy, the half-Maltese, half-Poodle dog — know by neighbors as “that yappy little shit.”

The great Jack Handy from Saturday Night Live once said, “If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because man, they’re gone.” The same applies if your dog is last seen being carried away in a coyote’s jaws.

You can send an e-mail to Jessica if you have any tips about the missing dog. Here’s a tip: Your dog was eaten and turned into coyote feces. Move on with your life.

Daisy was a cute dog and this is truly a sad story, but c’mon. Malti-Poo vs. Coyote? Life isn’t a fuckin’ Disney movie — THE DOG IS DEAD.

Bonus: At least we know for sure that Daisy didn’t run away because Jessica got fat.

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