I was too busy crying yesterday to write a story; my favorite actor Patrick Swayze died.

In January 2008, Swayze was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Since then, his health declined steadily until he passed away on September 14th.

Nobody knows what a pancreas does, but apparently you die if you get cancer on it.

Swayze was popular with the ladies for his roles in Ghost and Dirty Dancing, but I enjoyed him most in Hollow Man and Tremors — nevermind, that was Kevin Bacon.

Now Swayze can film the sequel to Ghost, and they won’t even need special effects!

Today wasn’t supposed to be an MTV VMA edition of Sidecarsally News, but it looks like it’s turned out that way. Lady Gaga has been invading my dreams lately.

Last night, Gaga wore 5 different outfits to the VMAs (not at the same time, dumbass). None of them were nearly as weird as her red lace “Queen of Blood” costume.

“I want to thank Jesus for this award. Why is everyone staring at me?”

After the show, Gaga went to an after party. From the looks of it, she drank a few gallons of Jagermeister and sucked at least twelve penises.

Ew.

Until she flashes her vagina on accident, gets pregnant, or dies tragically, I’m retiring Lady Gaga from Sidecarsally. This ain’t no fashion blog.

Admit it — You watched the MTV Video Music Awards last night. No? Then you at least watched some VMA highlights today. No? You’re not making this very easy for me.

Regardless of how cool you are, I watched the MTV VMAs last night. When cameras showed Kanye West drinking straight from a large bottle of Hennessy before the show commenced, I knew something awesome was going to happen — he’s a “fun drunk.”

Early into the show, Taylor Swift bridged the gap between redneck music and MTV when she won the award for “Best Female Video” — earning more votes than Beyonce and Pink.

A stunned Swift took the stage and began her thank you speech, but it was cut short when Kanye West ran onstage and grabbed the mic from her and said this:

“Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you. I’ll let you finish, but Beyonce has one of the best videos of all time… One of the best videos of all time!“

At that moment, Kanye could probably feel the hateful vibes directed at him from every teenage white girl in the country. Boos echoed through the Radio City Music Hall.

As he returned to his seat, Kanye flipped his middle finger to the booing Swift fans — Security escorted him out shortly after Pink tried to fight him. Pink posted this on Twitter: “Kanye West is the biggest piece of shit on Earth. Quote me.”

Nobody is defending Kanye after last night, but after analyzing a photo of the onstage confrontation, I noticed that at least two people were laughing.

After Kanye exited the stage, Swift stood around looking very confused. She tried to finish her speech, but her mic had been muted and she was led offstage.

Reports claim that Swift and her mother were crying together backstage.

The irony: Kanye’s outburst was in vain anyway because Beyonce ended up winning “Best Video of the Year” — a far greater achievement than “Best Female Video.”

Kanye West is absolutely, most definitely a monumental asshole (as he’s shown us many times before), but you have to admire his level of arrogance. As for him being “the biggest piece of shit on Earth,” I think Ben Affleck should win that award.

I’ve wanted to write a story from a weird perspective for awhile now. Hopefully you can stay focused on this epic journey. This is a true story.

PENNSYLVANIA — Transport back to the night of January 11th, 2009 in Sandy Lake Township, Pennsylvania. Your name is James Alan Stiver and you’re walking home from the local bar with an additional 30-pack of beers. Tonight, yer gettin’ fucked up.

It’s a long and boring walk home, so you consume the entire 30-pack. You walk by a barn. Inside the barn, a lamb cries out to you — it says, “Baaah. Haaaave sex with me.”

The bleating lamb beckons you into the barn. She’s laying in the corner, staring at you with those lusty eyes. Something about those eyes drives your boner wild.

It’s time.

You position the little lamb at the end of your “love rocket” and pull her backwards into it as you thrust forward, obliterating the animal’s tiny lamb vagina. It cries in pain.

Since this probably isn’t your first time fucking the sheep in this barn, the owner of the barn has installed a baby monitor and can hear her lamb in distress. Damn technology!

You’re about to climax when the barn owner walks in and interrupts with, “What are you doing to my animals?!” Tell her it’s not what it looks like.

“I’m homeless and the sheep are keeping me warm,” you explain as virgin lamb blood drips from your testicles. She leaves and calls the police, so you get dressed and leave.

The police find you walking home from the barn. Your pants are undone and, from the blood caked to your penis, it’s evident that YOU are the trespassing sheep fucker.

You’re arrested and charged with felony trespassing, sex with an animal, and animal cruelty (the lamb you raped had to be euthanized because of its injuries).

Fast forward to the present time. You’ve been in jail since January.

The court dropped the animal cruelty charges after a plea bargain. This Friday was your sentencing date and the judge gave you 1 to 3 years in prison. Your statement to the court was heartfelt and apologetic — along the lines of:

“My sincere apologies to the victims involved. My time in jail has reaffirmed my religious beliefs and I have been reading the Bible. And PS, this was seriously my first time fucking a sheep.”

You hope everyone in prison really believes that you’re serving 3 years for robbery.

Bonus: I did a Google Image search for James Alan Stiver and found this picture:

Probably not the same guy, but he could still definitely pass as a sheep fucker.

Sources: 1

I used to live in a college town where at least 5 anti-abortion protesters would stand in front of the local abortion clinic every day, displaying giant photos of aborted babies.

Notice the pro-life mullet on the left.

Here’s the thing you need to know about anti-abortion activists: They are pathetic assholes with nothing better to do than distract drivers with their obscene posters of mangled fetuses. It’s unnecessary because we already know what an abortion looks like — a smashed watermelon with tiny arms and legs.

If you don’t like abortions, then don’t have one.

“But abortions are still wrong, right? You’re killing a kid!”

Psh, fuck the kids. I hate kids already, so anything to limit the number of illegitimate ones running around is fine with me. Abortion is extreme, but it works every time (hopefully).

Fuck “pro-life.” Who isn’t pro-life? Just because I support abortion doesn’t mean I’m anti-life — it means I’m anti-fetus life. There’s a difference; Adult life is still precious to me.

I’ll admit it: I’ve thought about attacking those sign-holding baby-lover activists before. If I were God, I’d bless them with a 15-year-old daughter — pregnant with retarded twins: “Have fun taking care of those things. Too bad you don’t support abortion!”

Now that my rant is over:

MICHIGAN — A well-known anti-abortion activist was shot to death in front of Owosso High School this morning. Police arrested a suspect at home shortly after the shooting.

At the scene: A black Monte Carlo and a cop. Good job, cameraman!

Other details are sketchy, but all you need to know is there is one less anti-abortion activist distracting traffic and one more murderer in prison.

Happy 9/11!