Today’s story comes to you from Kentuck- wait a minute, Michigan?

MICHIGAN — 35-year-old Aimee Sword was arrested recently for having mother-son relations of a sexual nature. “She fucked her son” just sounds wrong.

In a nutshell: Aimee Sword had a son 10 years ago, but gave him up for adoption. Using her specialized investigative abilities (Google), she recently found her ex-son and got in touch with him. Details from that point are blurry, but apparently, they screwed.

Aimee’s a give/take kind of girl. She gave her son up, but took his virginity.

After the alleged “family reunion”, Child Protective Services somehow heard about the sexual accusations and informed police. Aimee was charged with criminal sexual conduct.

Aimee denies everything, but there’s an old saying: “There’s so smoke without fire.” It basically means that even if they didn’t have sex, she at least touched his balls.

Sadly, no additional details are known about this case yet, so we can only speculate — which is good because I rule at speculating. Check this out:

What we DON’T know:

1. Victim’s age: This is the most important unknown fact. Most people give their children up for adoption immediately after birth, so if the kid was only 10-years-old then shame on you, Aimee Sword. Even if he was 5 or 6 years older, it’s still wrong — he’s her SON.

2: How they got reunited: All we know is Aimee found her biological son on the Internet first, but did she find him on Myspace or Facebook? Maybe there’s a secret website with the names and addresses of all adopted children — I wonder if my name is in there.

3: Who started the sex: Aimee is the adult, so she’s LEGALLY at fault, but suppose for a second that the sex was her son’s idea. What was she supposed to do, turn him down?

What we DO know:

1. It’s totally OK to have sex with your cousin, but NEVER your own mother.

2. If you are going to have sex with a family member, USE PROTECTION. Generational inbreeding can result in odd-looking kids with retard strength.

Lop the ears off the man on the left and he could be an Abercrombie model.

Sources: 1

The following story is extremely tragic. If you are a marijuana smoker, this story is the worse than witnessing the Holocaust, 9/11, and a thousand abortions at the same time.

OKLAHOMA — It was around 1:30AM Tuesday morning in Durant, Oklahoma when police received a call that there were some mysterious “shrubs” in the street.

Chuck Carroll, field supervisor for the local Drug Task Force, responded to the scene and found 236 indoor-grown cannabis plants laying all over the road.

156 plants laid on a short stretch of road, spaced out in several small groups — each group about 100 yards apart. 80 more plants were found about a mile away. It looked like someone threw them out of the back of a U-Haul while it slowly drove down the road.

The Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs Control estimates the total street value of all the plants to be nearly $500,000.

No arrests have been made yet, but I’m 99% sure THIS is what happened:

There’s a famous saying: “Hell hath no fury like a woman that irrationally thinks she has been scorned.” It basically means that women act crazy for no reason and it’s true.

The grower of the plants is a married man with a bi-polar wife. He came home late from work on Monday night, smelling like cigarettes and vagina — he’s a chain-smoking gynecologist, you see. But the wife, she’s bi-polar, and she think he’s been cheating.

The angry wife piled her husband’s plants in the back of their pickup and began tossing them out while driving down the road. I’d like to note that it takes a lot of coordination to ruin someone’s life while driving, but women are great multi-taskers.

“These were indoor-grown, very good marijuana plants,” Carroll said. At least he could appreciate the care and skill needed to grow the plants before they were doused in diesel fuel and set on fire. He probably saved a handful of buds for later, the dick.

We will now have a moment of silence for the plants *sad trumpet music*

Bonus: As the huge pile of marijuana burned and the smoke plumes reached the upper layers of Earth’s stratosphere, you could hear God giggling and eating munchies.

Sources: 1

I get a lot of offers to visit the Big Apple. People are always telling me, “Your awesomeness is desperately needed in New York — especially since 9/11.”

New York can eat my shit. I’m happy right here in relatively-safe Toronto. We’ve only had 39 homicides this year, as opposed to the 39 homicides that happened last night in New York. Even if those numbers aren’t 100% accurate, you get the idea. For example:

NEW YORK — On Sunday, a Brooklyn teenager accidentally shot himself in the penis.

15-year-old Khamir Grant was walking home from the park when the gun tucked into his waistband started to slip down. He reached for the gun and it fired a bullet through his penis — but rather than laying on the ground and bleeding to death (like I would’ve done), Khamir walked home and told his mom what happened.

Khamir was taken to the hospital where he received the standard treatment for a bullet through the dick — stitches and an ice pak. When he was released, police arrested him for reckless endangerment and criminal possession of a weapon.

Now when he ejaculates, it squirts in his face from the top like a whale’s blowhole.

I’m assuming Khamir is black because a normal sized penis would have been shot off.

Get it? Black people statistically have larger penises than whites and especially Asians.

I hate having to explain obvious sex jokes to my virgin readers.

Every now and then I like to report about meaningful world events like 9/11.

Today’s story is for the bears.

BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA — I remember the good ol’ days when, right about now, millions of sockeye salmon would return to the rivers of British Columbia to spawn.

Spawning is just a fancier way to say “boring sex.” During spawning, the female salmon lays her eggs in a nest in the river. Then her boyfriend jizzes all over the eggs, thus fertilizing them. There is no penile-vaginal interaction at all.

You probably don’t believe me that male fish ejaculate semen, but they do.

It tastes a lot like human semen too (So I’ve heard).

Now that you’re officially horny as fuck, I’d like to get back on track and talk about the annual “running of the salmon” in British Columbia — It really sucked this year.

“British Columbia’s wild salmon fishery suffered a huge blow, estimated at $1.6 billion in losses. Barely 6% of the expected fish returned to spawn this year and the federal Department of Fisheries and Oceans is at a loss to explain why this is the case.” [1]

The Canadian government was expecting over 10 million salmon to return to the rivers this year, but when less than a million showed up, the commercial fishermen were confused. Imagine waiting for all those fish, but they just never come. And what about the bears?

All the news stories I’m reading about the salmon shortage are focusing on how this is going to affect the fishing industry, but WHAT ABOUT NATURE?

How many bears are going to starve this year? I don’t really care about the dangerous adult bears, but cute little starving baby cubs? C’mon, that’s sad.

Hopefully the bears are smart enough to find an alternative food source before winter. I recommend filling up on Boy Scouts and keeping a few in the cave for hibernation snacks.

All jokes aside, I AM predicting a record year of bear attacks on humans.

While the “experts” are busy scratching their heads over the missing fish, I think the answer is pretty obvious — GLOBAL WARMING. It’s the cause of everything these days.

The salmon just decided to stay in the ocean this year guys, no big deal.

Unless… no, wait. Has Rosie O’Donnell taken a trip to British Columbia lately?

Sources: 1

Marijuana smokers, you know this already: Weed is amazing. Everything about it rules — the taste, the smell, the high. If I could, I would make sweet love to a huge pile of it.

People don’t like marijuana for two reasons: 1) They’re assholes. 2) They’re dicks.

NETHERLANDS — Dutch police raided a cannabis farm this week and seized 47,000 plants worth an estimated street value of 6.3 million dollars. However, a little research on the farm would have revealed that it was a legal science experiment conducted by the University of Wageningen.

Outdoor cannabis farm — I would cry joyful tears if I ever came upon this.

Simon Vink, a spokesperson for the university, said the experiment involved testing the suitability of cannabis fibres for the production of textiles, paper and synthetic materials.

“The project had been underway for years and was in its final phase, which would have allowed us to introduced these new fibres to the market. We will probably suffer big losses; we are busy doing the calculations. More than half the plants were destroyed,” Vink said.

The worst part is that the seized and destroyed plants were “unfit for cannabis production due to an extremely low content of THC,” the main psychoactive ingredient in the plant — So even if the university decided to scrap the experiment and sell the weed to a bunch of kids, they probably wouldn’t even get stoned from it!

Can you believe that some people are actually scared of this thing?

The university is “busy talking to the police” about recovering costs. “How about you guys just give us 20 million dollars and then shoot yourselves in the face?”

Cannabis (hemp included) is a wondrous product with endless usability. Ford Motor Company built a hemp plastic car in 1941. Hemp oil can be used to create biofuels to reduce our dependency on fossil fuels. All that, PLUS it gets you high? Jesus!

Bonus: Write a suicide note on hemp paper and then hang yourself with a hemp rope!