There’s an old saying that goes, “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it also knock over a power line that ends up electrocuting over a dozen animals?”

MONTANA — Earlier this month, electrical crews in northwestern Montana discovered a live power line downed in the woods, along with a necro-zoo of animal corpses nearby.

The electrocuted remains of five whitetail deer, four black bears, two wolves, one coyote and a turkey vulture were found near the power line.

This photo is from a separate incident, but that doesn’t make it any less awesome.

Officials believe a dry tree fell on the high-voltage power line during the summer. A biologist for Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks said a whitetail deer probably walked into the line first and its carcasses attracted other animals, including predators, which were in turn electrocuted. [1]

All of the carcasses were at varying stages of decomposition, meaning that the electrocutions took place separately over a period of several months.

Roger Pitman, operations superintendent at the Lincoln Electric Cooperative played down the incident and joked around by saying, “We’re just thankful there weren’t any two-legged creatures up there, except for the turkey vulture.”

Why didn’t anyone take a picture of the aftermath?

Not to disappoint my readers, I re-created what it would probably look like to come upon a dozen dead animals of varying species in the woods.

This image took me an hour to make. If you don’t like it, fuck you.

Sources: 1

“Who wants a body massage?”

VIRGINIA — “You can never completely trust a male dog until you have masturbated him.”

Five Virginia Department of Corrections officers have been charged with animal cruelty after two incidents involving masturbating their K-9 unit (and videotaping it).

But they were only doing it because, APPARENTLY, your dog listens to you more if you jerk him off occasionally. Doesn’t it kind of make sense?

One of these dogs get’s masturbated by his owner. The other gets beaten.

They’re now known as The Dog Fondling 5 (or DF5). They are Kelvin Thompson, 25, Melvin Boone, 40, Adam R. Webb, 27, Cheri Campbell, 35, and Anthony Eldridge, 33.

Between June 16th and August 1st, a German shepherd was molested by the DF5 at least twice on film. One of them would touch the dog while the other four watched.

(Is it getting hot in here?)

According to Attorney Robert B. Beasley Jr., a corrections employee saw the video and was like “WTF” and reported it to a superior.

When asked if he knew why the officers videotaped the incidents, Beasley replied, “I don’t have the slightest idea — I really don’t.”

Terry Grimes, an attorney for one of the defendants also thinks it’s normal to touch dog penises. “I would characterize it as hazing,” he said. “If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.”

The DF5 will be on trial this Fall, but don’t expect an update unless they repeat offend. If you can find the video anywhere, e-mail me the link and I’ll put it up!

“Red rocket! Red rocket!”

Helpful tip: Dogs also appreciate a finger in their ass occasionally.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “When they knock a female pig up, they press on her back to give her the feeling of being fucked, and pigs have clits inside their vagina, so they enjoy it.” — TBK

“…And so my friend Sara comes over and next thing you know the dog starts squirting doggy juice and it hits her right in the face a few times.” — Ashley

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COLUMBUS, OH — Linda Brown from Ohio knows how to pull a good prank on people, even if it gets her arrested. I might go as far as to consider her one of my heroes.

All was quiet last Tuesday at the Burlington Coat Factory store in Columbus — That is, until Linda Brown pulled up in a stretch Hummer limo outside, exclaiming loudly that she won the lottery. She ran into the coat store and announced again that she had just won $1.5 million and was going to pay for everyone’s purchases (up to $500).

Brown sits in the back of a police cruiser, still amused by her hilarious prank.

Within minutes, word had gotten out that “Linda Brown was gonna buy you a new coat.” Hundreds of shoppers flooded the store, expecting free merchandise.

Shopper Candace Jordan said she told Brown she didn’t need clothes, she needed help paying her rent. “And she said, ‘How much is it?’” Jordan told WBNS-TV. “And she promptly wrote out a check.” [1]

Unfortunately, that check would bounce several days later because (big surprise here) Linda Brown didn’t win the lottery, she’s just crazy.

By the time anyone realized that Brown was lying, she had already left in the limo.

Dozens of police officers were called to the scene after shoppers — furious about the hoax — began rioting, looting, and trashing the store. The aftermath looked like Hurricane COATrina had struck. Get it? COAT-TRINA.

“Please go home unless you came here with some money!”

When the limo driver realized that he wasn’t getting paid for driving Brown around, he turned her over to the police, who were still trying to control the rioting and looting.

Brown was arrested on three outstanding warrants for aggravated menacing, misuse of a 911 system and causing false alarms. She was jailed late Wednesday because of her outstanding warrants, but police aren’t going to file charges against her for the coat store chaos until she undergoes a mental health evaluation.

Police said they have no way of tracking down the customers who stole items and fled, but they’re reviewing surveillance video. [1]

It’s the shoppers at the store that day who should be ashamed — not Linda Brown. “We still want our free shit, so we’re just gonna fuck this place up and steal everything?’” This is exactly why the rest of the world hates Ohio.

Maybe I’d participate in the chaos if this were to happen at a diamond store, but I wouldn’t risk going to jail for destroying a place and stealing a fuckin’ coat. Ohio, the humanity!

Sources:1

Quality Comments:
“This cancels out 5 stupid things Florida has done.” — Ashley

“If that lady needed help with her rent, then what the hell was she doing in the coat store in the first place? Poor money management, if you ask me.” — Stuart

Leave your feedback in the comment section below.

This next story is overflowing with raw awesomeness.

PORTLAND, OR — Donald Earl Fite III, 27, has been sentenced to two years probation, a psychological evaluation, and community service after attacking his ex-girlfriend and then stabbing her pet fish after she refused to get back together with him.

Donald Earl Fite III — that’s not his Halloween costume, he really looks like that.

Sarah Harris had broken up with Donald Fite earlier this summer, but she returned to her Portland apartment one night in July and found him lying on her bed, saying he wanted to get back together. Feeling creeped out by his presence, she tried to leave.

When Harris tried to leave, Fite shoved her against a wall, grabbed her hair and tossed her against a bathtub. She managed to escape and returned with a police officer, but nothing could prepare her for the carnage that awaited…

In the middle of the floor, a beautiful purple Siamese fighting fish lay motionless on the ground with a knife sticking out of it — It was Sarah Harris’s beloved fish “DeLorean” — undoubtedly named after the great American Engineer John Zachary DeLorean.

The victim was a purple Siamese fighting fish, also known as a “gayfish.”

Fite admitted to killing the fish, telling police: “If she can’t have me, then she can’t have the fish.“ He did, after all, buy her the damned thing as a gift. There’s nothing wrong with taking a gift back (or killing it if you can’t return it).

Fite’s attorney, Tom Macnair, told the court Tuesday that killing the 2-inch fish was a “very low point” in his his client’s life — but still not as low as masturbating to anime.

Bonus: Sarah Harris was so distraught over the wrongful death of DeLorean, she tried to convince the judge to make Fite pay for a memorial tattoo of the fish. The entire courtroom chuckled as the judge replied, “It’s a fuckin’ FISH, lady.”

Editor’s Note: It’s a well-known fact that the best way to torture a small fish is to lay it across a hot lightbulb until it’s crispy enough for a gerbil (or hamster) to eat.

Sources: 1

PHILADELPHIA, PA — This weekend, most people in Philly were getting drunk and talking about the crack in the Liberty Bell, but not 36-year-old George Rogers — He was getting drunk and contemplating a violent, bloody samurai suicide.

Rogers called 911 around 12:30AM on Sunday and told police that he’d just doused the apartment he shares with his mother in gasoline. He also threatened to shoot himself with a crossbow after torching the apartment.

When police arrived, they didn’t find gasoline doused anywhere, but they did find Rogers barricaded in a back room of the residence, armed to the teeth with an assortment of knives, swords, and a crossbow.

Mr. Rogers’ arsenal. He’s a samurai, not a ninja (hence the lack of throwing stars).

One officer forced his way into the barricaded room, hiding behind a special riot shield, and was instantly attacked by the samurai — err, Rogers. He wielded the sword so forcefully that its blade was bent in the assault.

Another officer used a stun gun on Rogers, and said that he “fell like a sack of potatoes,” which is kind of weird to imagine, but I’ll accept it.

Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood said Rogers was covered in tattoos, including Nazi Swastikas and the words “Only God can judge.” I think I’ve heard of Nazi Ninjas before, but a Nazi Samurai? That’s pretty original — kudos, to him for that.

George Rogers love samurais, hates Jews.

Rogers is in prison right now, awaiting charges of attempted murder, aggravated assault, and numerous weapon offenses. If he’s smart, he’ll plead insanity and tell the judge about his night-time escapades as the Nazi Samurai Avenger.

Move to Florida, George. People won’t think you’re as weird.

Sources: 1

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