Fuck Balloon Boy and his family
posted on October 19th, 2009 by Dustin at 4:49 pm (EST) with 8 Comments
I’m sick of everyone asking me why I haven’t written about the “Balloon Boy” hoax in Colorado yet. Jesus Christ, can’t a man enjoy his weekend with thinking about kids?
The muffin-shaped weather balloon that gripped America.
In case you were locked in an attic this weekend without any television, radio, or gossipy housewives yapping loudly outside the window, here’s what happened:
On Thursday, 6-year-old Falcon Heene supposedly crawled into a giant experimental weather balloon and took to the skies. America watched for hours, anticipating the balloon’s descent — but when it finally landed, Falcon wasn’t inside!
Everyone feared the worst — that Falcon fell out of the balloon. How ironic would it be if a child named after a bird actually fell out of the skies to his death?
According to the Heene family, the balloon was supposed to be secured from floating away by a tether, but it wasn’t. Before the balloon took off, Falcon was “last seen” crawling inside a tiny compartment in the balloon.
A search for Falcon began, but he was “found” shortly after hiding in a box in his attic.
“I’m just so happy to have my son back!” (lies)
Little Falcon tossed his cookies twice during separate TV interviews after being asked why he hid in the attic. At one point, he turned to his father and said, “You said we did this for a show.” Bingo! Ratted out by his own kid.
I’m not going to get into the countless interviews and articles about the Heene family since Thursday. All you need to know is that the entire thing was a HOAX and a desperate attempt for the Heene family to bag their own reality show.
Police are now pursuing charges against Richard Heene and his wife, but are unlikely to decide on the charges until next week. Richard Heene has maintained his innocence, but his lawyer said the Heenes “are willing to turn themselves in to avoid a public arrest.”
I’ll try to keep you updated when (if?) police press charges, but I’ll probably forget. Until then, try focusing all your hate on the Heene family for wasting our time.
Falcon Heene (middle), obviously looking like the biggest asshole of the three.
In a way, the Heenes accomplished their goal to reach celebrity status. Unfortunately, this kind of negative fame only lasts about 15 minutes and comes with criminal charges.
Is anyone out there still on Team Heene? I’m on Team Taxpayers now.
Leave your feedback in the comments section below.
8 Comments - Leave One!
Tags: Balloon Boy, Colorado, Fail, Falcon Heene, Hoax, Richard Heeene —
Comments
Comment from The Beautiful Kind
Time October 19, 2009 at 5:56 pm
You should have told your fanbase to fuck off. Tell them you’ll cover this story when the kid is found dead ala JonBenet Ramsey. That’s how they do it in Colorado, you know.
They might as well kill their spawn now, as they are DOOMED. Mark my words, they are destined for an untimely death by drug overdose and so on.
PS: I was in an attic while this shit went down. I am so grateful I don’t have a television.
Comment from tyler
Time October 19, 2009 at 8:55 pm
it costs over $7,000 per hour to fly a fucking black hawk helicopter.
You could buy a monstrous amount of booze with $7,000.
creepy canadian writers can’t pay for toilet paper and this fuckers got a black hawk following a giant fucking trashbag around America.
Damn I hate Asians
Comment from chris
Time October 19, 2009 at 10:44 pm
lololol the heene family’s just a bunch of tit heads
Comment from Camila
Time October 20, 2009 at 12:56 am
one word: FAIL!
Comment from Lucy
Time October 20, 2009 at 2:22 pm
That is so stupid.
I am so so so so so glad I didn’t hear this to begin with.
Fuck TV D:
Comment from maxscene
Time October 21, 2009 at 2:11 am
hah that kid is an asshole. hes worse then his paarents. especially cause he puked during an interview lol little fucker should be beat with a belt. haha his mom is like a brokeass Yoko Ono lol and his dad well, haha his weird antics speak for themselves.
Comment from richard
Time January 16, 2010 at 2:56 am
stupid tyleer bitch, balloon boy ain’t asian you mofo!
Comment from Don V
Time October 19, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Avoid a public arrest? Did the fucking dick-stick want to be on TV in the first place? Here’s your chance asshole.
Fuck this guy – he should get the chair.
But what I love most is that American television – and Americans – all had their tongues up this guys ass for endless hours. You fucking sheeple.
And yes – I saw ZERO MINUTES of this bullshit without being closed in a box in my attic – because I absolutely did not care. Someone posted a video when it all started, and I listened to about 10 seconds of the mother trying to utter an intelligible word in English, and I said fuck it.