This next story is overflowing with raw awesomeness.

PORTLAND, OR — Donald Earl Fite III, 27, has been sentenced to two years probation, a psychological evaluation, and community service after attacking his ex-girlfriend and then stabbing her pet fish after she refused to get back together with him.

Donald Earl Fite III — that’s not his Halloween costume, he really looks like that.

Sarah Harris had broken up with Donald Fite earlier this summer, but she returned to her Portland apartment one night in July and found him lying on her bed, saying he wanted to get back together. Feeling creeped out by his presence, she tried to leave.

When Harris tried to leave, Fite shoved her against a wall, grabbed her hair and tossed her against a bathtub. She managed to escape and returned with a police officer, but nothing could prepare her for the carnage that awaited…

In the middle of the floor, a beautiful purple Siamese fighting fish lay motionless on the ground with a knife sticking out of it — It was Sarah Harris’s beloved fish “DeLorean” — undoubtedly named after the great American Engineer John Zachary DeLorean.

The victim was a purple Siamese fighting fish, also known as a “gayfish.”

Fite admitted to killing the fish, telling police: “If she can’t have me, then she can’t have the fish.“ He did, after all, buy her the damned thing as a gift. There’s nothing wrong with taking a gift back (or killing it if you can’t return it).

Fite’s attorney, Tom Macnair, told the court Tuesday that killing the 2-inch fish was a “very low point” in his his client’s life — but still not as low as masturbating to anime.

Bonus: Sarah Harris was so distraught over the wrongful death of DeLorean, she tried to convince the judge to make Fite pay for a memorial tattoo of the fish. The entire courtroom chuckled as the judge replied, “It’s a fuckin’ FISH, lady.”

Editor’s Note: It’s a well-known fact that the best way to torture a small fish is to lay it across a hot lightbulb until it’s crispy enough for a gerbil (or hamster) to eat.

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