Have you ever approached the only toilet in a washroom, only to find it filled to brim with bloody diarrhea and toilet paper with curly ass pubes stuck to it?

Nobody hates discovering a floater more than 53-year-old Nazeih Hammouri from Vermont. He’s facing a first-degree assault charge for stabbing his 19-year-old son Jeffrey in the stomach with a corkscrew after he wouldn’t ‘fess up about why their toilet was clogged.

“I told him I wasn’t gonna shit on top of someone else’s shit.”

Jeffrey’s condition is unknown at this time, but one corkscrew to the stomach ain’t enough to kill someone. Corkscrews are much more effective on human eyeballs.

With a corkscrew, you can twist all the way through an eyeball and get the optic nerve curled around the tip — that shit hurts like a Sunday morning spanking from Father Jones.

Most people don’t know that I have a bionic eye. I can see everyone naked.

Sources: 1

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I’m sick of everyone asking me why I haven’t written about the “Balloon Boy” hoax in Colorado yet. Jesus Christ, can’t a man enjoy his weekend with thinking about kids?

The muffin-shaped weather balloon that gripped America.

In case you were locked in an attic this weekend without any television, radio, or gossipy housewives yapping loudly outside the window, here’s what happened:

On Thursday, 6-year-old Falcon Heene supposedly crawled into a giant experimental weather balloon and took to the skies. America watched for hours, anticipating the balloon’s descent — but when it finally landed, Falcon wasn’t inside!

Everyone feared the worst — that Falcon fell out of the balloon. How ironic would it be if a child named after a bird actually fell out of the skies to his death?

According to the Heene family, the balloon was supposed to be secured from floating away by a tether, but it wasn’t. Before the balloon took off, Falcon was “last seen” crawling inside a tiny compartment in the balloon.

A search for Falcon began, but he was “found” shortly after hiding in a box in his attic.

“I’m just so happy to have my son back!” (lies)

Little Falcon tossed his cookies twice during separate TV interviews after being asked why he hid in the attic. At one point, he turned to his father and said, “You said we did this for a show.” Bingo! Ratted out by his own kid.

I’m not going to get into the countless interviews and articles about the Heene family since Thursday. All you need to know is that the entire thing was a HOAX and a desperate attempt for the Heene family to bag their own reality show.

Police are now pursuing charges against Richard Heene and his wife, but are unlikely to decide on the charges until next week. Richard Heene has maintained his innocence, but his lawyer said the Heenes “are willing to turn themselves in to avoid a public arrest.”

I’ll try to keep you updated when (if?) police press charges, but I’ll probably forget. Until then, try focusing all your hate on the Heene family for wasting our time.

Falcon Heene (middle), obviously looking like the biggest asshole of the three.

In a way, the Heenes accomplished their goal to reach celebrity status. Unfortunately, this kind of negative fame only lasts about 15 minutes and comes with criminal charges.

Is anyone out there still on Team Heene? I’m on Team Taxpayers now.

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In May, Karen Sala of Barrie, Ontario tried to extort millions of dollars from actor Keanu Reeves by claiming that he was the father of her four adult children (ages 20-25). She filed a lawsuit that forced Reeves to take a DNA test and demanded $150,000 per month for child support, including retroactive payments going back 20 years.

The Toronto Sun reported today that the DNA test results are in and Keanu Reeves is NOT the father of Karen Sala’s children!

“I fucked Keanu Reeves!” — Karen Sala …. “I don’t even know you.” — Keanu Reeves

Reeves denied the allegations from the beginning, stating very clearly that he had never even met this crazy woman. When asked if Reeves felt relief after the test results, his attorney said today that Reeves wasn’t relieved because he knew all along.

Too bad he was so confident because one of the best feelings in the world is thinking that you actually might have a kid, and then finding out it’s not yours. It happened to me before, and all the bowel movements in the world couldn’t match the relief I felt.

What evidence did Karen Sala ever have of her special time with Reeves?

Sala claimed to have a personal photo of Keanu Reeves from his teenage years — which she failed to produce — and a sample of his handwriting (probably an autograph).

“I wouldn’t even touch that bitch with Laurence Fishburne’s dick.” — Keanu Reeves

I wonder if Karen Sala’s children were brainwashed into thinking Keeanu Reeves was actually their real father. I imagine them being obsessed with him — knowing every line to every movie he’s starred in. Bet they even wear Matrix costumes on Halloween.

This is bullshit though. I demand justice for Karen Sala wasting our time.

Ladies: Somehow, the laws work in your favor: You can accuse any random man of fathering your children or raping you — but where’s the punishment for YOU after the investigation proves that you’re just a manipulative, lying, insane cunt.

Still though, you have boobs and we’re suckers for ‘em!

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During the last presidential election, the Mitten State — as it’s known by fellow Michiganders — approved a proposition legalizing marijuana for medical purposes. The new drug laws went into effect in April, and people in Michigan can now legally smoke and grow pot, but only if given written permission from a doctor first.

Important note: Just because medical marijuana was legalized, that doesn’t mean weed smokers can run outside and spark up joints in front of the police.

Believe it or not, some people are still confused about the marijuana laws.

MICHIGAN — A 54-year-old woman was arrested on marijuana charges Sunday morning after reporting two men had broken into her home located about an hour from Detroit.

Cop: “Tell us what happened here, ma’am.”

Woman: “These two guys broke into my house this morning and demanded that I give them my marijuana plants.”

Cop: “You have marijuana plants growing here?”

Woman: “Yeah, totally! They’re fuckin’ nice too. Wanna see ‘em?”

Cop: “Sure… Wow, those are nice! Now I just need to take a look at your medical marijuana license… do you have one?”

Woman: “Nah, no license — I just grow ‘em for myself.”

Cop: “Awesome. You’re under arrest for manufacturing and delivering marijuana.”

Woman: “Shit.”

Police will seek charges against the woman pending test results on the marijuana they confiscated from her home (unless it turns out she was just growing cat nip and peddling it to the local youth, but if that’s the case, she’s a bitch and should go to jail anyway).

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The Braham family from Palm Bay, Florida was full of clever little ideas. For example, they made up the nickname “The Bram Fam” for themselves. They’re dead now though.

FLORIDA — Melville Braham, 55, Anna Braham, 49, and their son Anthony Braham, 15, were accidentally electrocuted to death last night after an antenna they were erecting in their backyard connected with power lines overhead.

THE FLORIDA WAY OF THINKING:

The bright idea: Erect a giant HAM radio antenna in the backyard. Enlist the assistance of your wife, teenage son, and his friend.

The purpose: Possibility of contacting extraterrestrial lifeforms. Also, eavesdropping on sexually-explicit truck driver conversations.

Risks Involved: Nothin’, really. There’s no thunder clouds overhead, just a set of power lines. We’re wearin’ shoes today though, so we’ll be safe.

Safety precautions taken: Bottle of Jack Daniels for courage.

Outcome: During the attempt to raise the antenna from the ground, the Brahams lost control of the antenna and it struck an overhead power line. 13,000 volts of electricity coursed through their bodies until they were dead — but they smelled delicious.

Where’s a hidden camera when you need one?

Quality Comment: “Dustin if u comment on me ill cum all over my computer” – Bill
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