*The following article contains cartoon nudity and sex.*

After the extreme disappointment of Heidi Montag’s non-nude Playboy debut in September’s issue, I suspected that Hugh Hefner was losing his grip on reality.

What could be worse than Playboy providing us with content that we can only almost masturbate to? I got it! How about naked cartoons instead of real women?

Entertainment Weekly has reported that October’s issue of Playboy Magazine will feature beloved animated icon Marge Simpson nude in a 3-page spread.

“New Playboy CEO Scott Flanders (coincidence?) says he’s trying to appeal to readers younger than the mag’s 35-year-old average.” [1]

However, Playboy tried to appeal to the younger readers last month by having Heidi Montag as the main feature — but she wasn’t naked. So, rather than apologizing for last month’s tragedy, Scott Flanders decided a cartoon edition would be a better idea.

FUCK YOU, PLAYBOY MAGAZINE.

Unless you’re trying to attract 8-year-old readers, the “younger” generation doesn’t give a shit what an imaginary, animated woman looks like naked (Sailor Moon excluded).

This is 2009 and people are sick of your airbrushed cunts. Half the people who read Playboy probably don’t even know what a real vagina looks like!

Why would anyone spend money on a magazine with half-nude women in it when the Internet provides us with videos like 2 Girls 1 Cup for free?

You wanna know what Marge Simpson looks like naked? I’ll save you some money:

You won’t find this kind of action in Playboy, no sir.

Are you horny yet? How about a little incest?

Not feeling the son-on-mother action? Maybe some bestiality will whet your whistle.

There. Unless you can find me a cartoon of Marge eating Homer’s feces, I believe I’ve covered all the bases that Playboy won’t: Infidelity, incest, and dog fucking.

If you still feel the need to pay six dollars to see Marge nude in October’s Playboy, I can only say this: YOU ARE SAD AND NEED A REAL LIFE.

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LOUSIANA — There’s no nice way to put this: 20-year-old Aaron Simoneaux murdered his neighbor’s dog with a samurai sword last New Year’s Eve. Rest in peace, Slappy.

Slappy, the chow mix that died honorably by the blade.

Today, a Lake Charles judge sentenced Simoneaux to seven years in prison for what many are calling a demented, ruthless crime.

Last New Year’s Eve, little Slappy wandered over to Simoneaux because fireworks in a nearby yard were scaring her (you know how dogs are). Simoneaux had been drinking and playing with a samurai sword. Alcohol and swords — A classic combo!

Unfortunately for Slappy, Simoneaux HATES dogs — especially Slappy’s particular chow mix breed. Years ago, a similar-looking dog bit Simoneaux in his face and left permanent scars. He’s had a horrible fear and hatred for canines ever since.

The dog’s caretaker, meanwhile, was inside getting his kids something to drink. He came back outside in time to see Simoneaux cutting the dog up. [1]

Witnesses said Simoneaux’s attack was unprovoked, and that he “carved up” the dog for his own sick amusement. In August, he pleaded guilty to aggravated cruelty to an animal in hopes that he would be sentenced to an 18-month prison boot camp program.

The judge had a better idea though — seven years in prison, bitch!

Simoneaux appeared tearful at his sentencing, but nobody feels bad for an animal torturer because it’s frowned upon even more than killing a human.

I think seven years in prison would be better for Simoneaux than boot camp. I’m a firm believer than getting anally raped in the shower for seven years is a far more effective punishment than some buzz-cut military asshole with coffee-shit breath screaming in your face for 18 months. The American Army already has enough animal torturers.

Bonus: Now Simoneaux has time read tons of books about samurais.

Sources: 1

UNITED KINGDOM — Something awesome happened in the UK this week — They haven’t discovered advanced dental care yet, but a couple of cross-dressing men served up some delicious street justice to a couple of drunken dickholes, or “yobs,” as the Brits say.

Dean Gardener, 19, and Jason Fender, 22, were intoxicated and picking fights with random people on a busy street in South Wales. CCTV footage captured the duo’s hostility as they engaged a couple of cross-dressing men in slutty club attire.

“Oy, ‘ave a look at these two arse bandits,” Dean most likely said to Jason.

(Remember, this was in the UK)

“Couple’a shit stabbin’ poofters, if you ask me.” Jason replied. “Let’s get ‘em.”

Important Note: If you’re going to pick a fight with a group of men dressed in drag, make sure that they aren’t cage fighters partaking in a bachelor party.

Bare-chested Dean threw a sucker punch at one of the men, “but the other cage fighter, wearing a sparkling black dress and matching long wig, sprang to his friend’s help, delivering two lightning-quick punches to the two stunned yobs (dickholes).” [1]

The “cage queens” quickly left the scene before police arrived and arrested Dean and Jason for being assholes. They plead guilty to “using abusive words and behavior” and sentenced to four months of community service, tethered, and placed under a curfew.

After writing this story, I have a great feeling of satisfaction. I was never really bullied in school, but still, I can’t stand little hardass punks that try to fight everyone. If a person has that much aggression, they should take it out on kids, not other adults.

Bonus: The YouTube footage of the fight really compliments the story.

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FLORIDA — While most people were hanging out with friends last Saturday night, 41-year-old Venus Lewis had other plans — she was horny for some teenage sausage.

Venus headed over to the local recreation center in Marion County where she found two teenage boys playing football. In a horny rage, she chased the boys around, saying she would catch them and then have sex with them.

This type of lascivious behavior is all-too-common for Floridian crack whores. The boys knew that Venus seriously wanted to rape them, but she was just a harmless crackhead, so they watched from a distance as the frustrated woman decided to masturbate instead.

And then things got weird.

According to the police report, Venus walked between two picnic tables, dropped her pants, and then inserted a tampon into her vagina. Afterward, she laid on one of the tables and masturbated in front of the boys — who claimed that they didn’t watch.

Police believed that Venus was intoxicated during the incident. She was charged with three counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition. She was also charged with battery for allegedly grabbing the genitals of one of the boys.

Oh, those poor children… right?

Here’s the thing: If you’re a 15-year-old boy and a middle-aged crack whore is playing with herself and inserting tampons in front of you, you’re not gonna turn away. You’ll sit there and watch the entire show and tell everyone you know how awesome it was.

I was in Santa Monica last October, and a homeless woman took a piss 20 feet from me while I was smoking a blunt on the boardwalk. I watched her urinate from start to finish, and even cheered her on. That was my fondest memory of California.

What shocks me most about this is that I had no idea crack whores even use tampons.

Americans aren’t aware of how much awesome stuff happens in Canada on a regular basis. Sure, the word “Canada” sounds boring in itself, but check out this next story:

CALGARY — At 1AM this morning, two men decided to sneak into the Calgary zoo.

The two men, both aged 27, are believed to have scaled an eight-foot fence to gain access to the zoo and then climbed over a 42-inch fence outside the tiger enclosure and approached the cage where the zoo’s three tigers live. [1]

Details are sketchy (like this website), but zookeepers believe that one of the trespassing men brushed against the cage and was grabbed by Vitali, a two-year-old male tiger.

A mauling ensued.

Both men suffered injuries in the attack and were taken to hospital after calling the personal cell phone of one of their friends who happened to be an on duty security officer at the zoo. [1]

The man that was mauled suffered serious bite and claw injuries to his arm and remains in the hospital. His friend was treated for minor injuries and released.

Police are investigating the incident and may charge both men with breaking and entering as well as trespassing. Breaking and entering seems a little too harsh though because they only scaled a few walls — they didn’t actually break anything.

Had this been a full-out mauling, neither men would have survived. Still. these two dickholes are lucky to be alive. Tigers regularly kill people from inside their own cages. The unfortunate man pictured below wasn’t even trespassing when this tiger grabbed him.

Thankfully, the tiger didn’t let go until after the photographer arrived.

In Africa, tigers are the number one killer of humans (after AIDS, murder, genocide, famine, malaria, and civil war). In the picture below, two soldiers were brutally mauled by a tiger, despite them being armed with grenades and a bazooka. Tigers are unstoppable.

I started off writing this article with a neutrality towards tigers, but now I see that they are just soulless killing machines. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were responsible for 9/11.

Sources: 1