It’s Florida Friday on Sidecarsally, so enjoy!

If you drink beer on a regular basis and have ever had less than $4 in the bank, then you have drank Natural Ice — it tastes like a unique mixture of beer and poverty.

A woman accused of throwing a table leg through the window of her home after her boyfriend refused to buy more beer faces a felony charge, according to a recently released arrest affidavit. [1]

Andrea Bathgate was knocking back a few beers at her boyfriend’s place, but when the last can was finished, she became thirsty and irritated.

“Go get me some more Natty Ice,” Andrea said to her boyfriend.

“I dunno babe,” he said. “You get kinda mean when you drink too much.”

That’s when Andrea got angry. She grabbed her boyfriend by the throat and choked him for a few seconds. He pushed her away and cowered in the corner, afraid.

“Get out of my house right now,” cried the boyfriend.

But Andrea wanted her Natural Ice. She picked up a box cutter and looked menacingly at her whiny little boyfriend; he was pathetic, but not worth murdering. She shoved the box cutter into her purse and stormed out the front door.

Outside, she tore a leg loose from a table and launched it through her boyfriend’s window, shattering the glass into countless shards of deadly crystals.

The Natural Ice warrior spirit inhabits anyone who drinks too much of it.

The boyfriend screamed in horror, cried for a minute, and then called police.

Police arrested Bathgate on a misdemeanor battery charge and a felony charge of throwing a missile into a dwelling (I’m not making this up either).

Andrea Bathgate, looking like she has lived a very unfortunate 31 years so far.

I’d like to speak to the police officer who thinks that throwing a wooden table leg through a window is the same thing as throwing a missile into a dwelling.

Keep up the good work, Florida!

Sources: 1

“I’m sorry, Officer. I know it may look like this prostitute is giving me a blowjob, but I assure you that is not the case. I’m simply trying to help her get off the streets.”

VANCOUVER, BC — David Ho loves his hoes. No, really — he’s addicted to doing nice things for them like driving them back to the crack house on rainy nights, paying their medical and dental bills, but absolutely NOT sticking his penis inside them — or so he says.

Mr. Ho is a billionaire businessman originally from Hong Kong. His life achievements aren’t important to this story, but if you must know, he used to own Harmony Airways.

For over 6 years, Ho kept something secret from everyone — he feels bad for hookers.

He doesn’t care how young or old the sex workers are – or what they look like – and often invites them to his palatial home, into his car or to his pad downtown. Sometimes he drives them back to their filthy rundown homes on skid row. [1]

“I am addicted to helping them,” he says. “It’s worse when it rains… that’s when I get into the car and go looking for them.”

Police have caught Mr. Ho gallivanting with ladies of the night on numerous occasions, but never charged him with anything — probably because he served a two-year term on the Vancouver police board and donated lots of money to lots of people.

All of this crazy hooker business came to an end one fateful night last year.

Police launched in investigation against Mr. Ho in December 2008 after his neighbors reported what sounded like “prostitute screams” coming from inside his home. The woman alleged that Ho assaulted her and kept her confined against her will.

Ho allegedly prevented her from leaving at 4:45 the next morning. She called 9-1-1, a violent struggle allegedly occurred, and she managed to escape after suffering a fractured ankle and minor injuries. [2]

Ho’s House of Helping Hookers. Sweet dolphin!

This week, after months of investigations, police have gathered enough evidence for a case against David Ho. He has been charged with unlawful confinement, unlawfully causing bodily harm, storage of a firearm contrary to regulations, unauthorized possession of a firearm, possession of a prohibited or restricted firearm with ammunition, possession of a prohibited weapon without a license, and possession of a controlled substance under the Controlled Drugs and Substances Act. Woo! That’s a mouthful.

Speaking of mouthfuls, the victim recovered and is safely back on the streets.

So, does David Ho really have a soft spot for prostitutes? Or does he have a hard spot for them (in his pants), and just pretends that he’s trying to help?

The world may never know.

Bonus: Notice that none of the charges against Mr. Ho include soliciting prostitution, which is what the cops were looking for in the first place. That’s so typical of the police: “Well, we couldn’t find any evidence of THAT, but what else can we get him for?” — Jerks.

Sources: 1, 2