Saturday was my 26th birthday and I celebrated it by hiding in a closet for the weekend with the rusty barrel of a shotgun in my mouth. When I wasn’t contemplating on whether or not to pull the trigger, I composed this amazing poem in my head.

It’s about getting old.

Fuck turning twenty-six.
Age can suck a bag of dicks.
What’s there to look forward to?
Nasty leg veins, turning blue?

– THE END

I immediately forgot the rest of the poem once I realized that I wasn’t holding a shotgun to my mouth at all, but rather a horse’s erect penis!

That’s when I glanced around the closet and realized that I wasn’t in a closet at all, but rather a horse stable 30 miles from my home!

(Turns out, I had eaten about 12 grams of magic mushrooms and was laying in the bathtub, crying, and fisting myself. Mushrooms seriously get better every time!)

Six hours later, after flying over Antarctica on the back of a giant goldfish named Jeffrey (and meeting God), I went to Blockbuster and tried to rent 2Girls1Cup, but it was sold out.

So, if you rented 2Girls1Cup from Blockbuster Video on November 14th, FUCK YOU!