ARKANSAS — Ozark police officer Dustin Bradshaw and I have something in common. Not only do we share the same first name, but also a profound hatred for children.

On Tuesday, Bradshaw responded to call from a frantic mother, saying her 10-year-old daughter was misbehaving. When he arrived at the house, the little girl was acting wildly. Every time her mother approached, the girl would kick and scream.

The officer warned the girl that she was going to be arrested if she didn’t cooperate. She answered back with a swift kick to his groin. Big mistake.

“Use the taser on her, if you have to,” said the mother. So he did.

A short burst of electricity was administered to the girl’s back, and she was arrested.

Let me get this straight: You can’t legally open-hand smack your kid in the face for being a dick. But you can call the police and be like, “I can’t handle this kid, use the taser.”

The girl’s father Anthony Medlock is outraged by the incident and considers it excessive force, even though his wife gave Bradshaw the go-ahead to taser their daughter:

“I want to know how the heck in God’s green earth can they get away with this,” he told reporters. “If you can’t pick the kid up and take her to your car, handcuff her, then I don’t think you need to be an officer.”

He does make a good point though — Police officers are supposed to be tough guys. It’s pathetic if a grown man can’t even manhandle a 10-year-old. Wait, that sounds bad.

After the incident, the Ozark police chief suspended Officer Bradshaw for 7 days without pay for “forgetting” to engage the video recorder on his stun gun before using it. It’s police protocol to record everyone they zap (so they can upload it on Youtube, hopefully).

Bonus: At least Bradshaw got to experience the joy of tasering a unruly child. I’ve always wanted to make a kid twitch like crazy without having to decapitate them first.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “If you can’t control your 10-year-old, you don’t need to be a parent.” — Lee

“Can’t wait to be a cop!” — Lucy

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This adorable 12-year-old boy 25-year-old woman is Trista Joy Lathern.

“Before we kiss, can I just make sure you’re not a dude?”

A cancer benefit was recently held in central Texas for Trista Lathern — she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had no medical insurance to cover her medical bills. But in a heartwarming display of Southern hospitality, $10,000 was raised for Trista and she was able to pay for the boob-lump surgery and chemotherapy.

***WARNING*** AWESOME PLOT TWIST ***WARNING***

Trista Lathern never had breast cancer. She was in a failing marriage and wanted to do two things: 1) Make herself more attractive to her husband — in order to do this, she would require larger breasts. And 2) Force her husband to pity her — fake cancer.

Lathern went to great measures to feign her illness, including shaving her head to simulate a chemo patient’s hair falling out. Co-workers donated money and their own vacation time so she could recover at home from her “treatments.”

Local radio stations even promoted the cancer benefit to their listeners.

The scam was most likely inspired from the 1986 film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off — but Lathern is obviously a more extreme, soulless adaptation of Broderick’s character.

Breast cancer survivors often lose one or both of their breasts to cancer, and it is not uncommon for them to get implants if that happens. Because of this, it wouldn’t have been suspicious for Lathern show up after chemotherapy with a new pair of funbags.

How she got caught:

Lathern’s biggest mistake was when she inquired about breast augmentation from a local plastic surgeon before going to a different city to get implants. The surgeon was already aware of her cancer benefit and found it strange that she mentioned nothing about having breast cancer (because she didn’t). Suspicious, he notified the Sheriff.

It was revealed that Lathern didn’t have cancer and she was arrested on November 4th. She posted bail, but was re-arrested on a 2007 warrant for forging a check.

Bonus: The same day she was arrested, Lathern’s husband filed for an annulment of their marriage and also asked for custody of their two sons, ages 5 and 3.

BUT HEY, AT LEAST SHE HAS BIGGER TITS NOW!

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TEXAS — 19-year-old Anthony Carasco could be considered an entrepreneur — take his door-to-door weed-selling business as an example. The concept is simple: Visit random apartments in a college town and ask the occupants if they would like to buy weed.

WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

Carasco was arrested in Brownsville, Texas last week after knocking on a police officer’s apartment door and “offering his services.” The officer agreed to purchase 3 ounces of high-quality (sarcasm) Texican weed from Carasco and then arrested him.

A handgun and portable scale were also found on Carasco. Sadly, that was the only thing he was doing right — protecting his stash and measuring the proper amounts.

Since Carasco was busted with a gun and drugs near the UTB campus, the charges against him will be very severe. A child molesting priest would probably serve less time in prison than Carasco will, but that’s how Texas does it — God before drugs!

Bonus: Child molesting priests don’t go to prison ever, thanks to your donations.

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Saturday was my 26th birthday and I celebrated it by hiding in a closet for the weekend with the rusty barrel of a shotgun in my mouth. When I wasn’t contemplating on whether or not to pull the trigger, I composed this amazing poem in my head.

It’s about getting old.

Fuck turning twenty-six.
Age can suck a bag of dicks.
What’s there to look forward to?
Nasty leg veins, turning blue?

– THE END

I immediately forgot the rest of the poem once I realized that I wasn’t holding a shotgun to my mouth at all, but rather a horse’s erect penis!

That’s when I glanced around the closet and realized that I wasn’t in a closet at all, but rather a horse stable 30 miles from my home!

(Turns out, I had eaten about 12 grams of magic mushrooms and was laying in the bathtub, crying, and fisting myself. Mushrooms seriously get better every time!)

Six hours later, after flying over Antarctica on the back of a giant goldfish named Jeffrey (and meeting God), I went to Blockbuster and tried to rent 2Girls1Cup, but it was sold out.

So, if you rented 2Girls1Cup from Blockbuster Video on November 14th, FUCK YOU!

MISSOURI — Have you ever been struck by lightning or attacked by a shark? If you answered “yes” to either one of those, you’re still luckier than Lisa Long — she was randomly shot in the face while driving back from her Aunt’s yesterday.

Lisa Long, post-Octomom lip enhancement. “Pow! Right in the kisser.”

On Tuesday afternoon, Long was traveling West on a rural country road when a .30-caliber bullet suddenly whizzed through her window from the South. It tore through her cheek, knocking out one of her teeth, and landed on the floor next to her.

Long initially had no idea that she was even injured until she looked the rear-view mirror and saw a hole in her face with blood squirting out of it.

Adding to the weirdness, the bullet perfectly entered through a 6-inch gap in the slightly-opened window of Long’s car. Investigators believe the bullet was fired from a hunter’s gun up to a mile away, as it had lost much of its velocity before finding Long’s face.

Notice that Lisa Long has a bruised eye socket in the second (more-recent) photo, but not in her hospital photo. I think her husband has some explaining to do.

Unless you live in Detroit, the odds of a stray bullet traversing a mile of land, flying through the half-opened window of a moving car, and striking a driver in the face are about 1 in never. Despite this, Long considers herself fortunate.

“I keep coming back to this — I’m the luckiest person in the world,” she told reporters.

Bonus: Lisa Long is also the mother of two autistic children. Combine that with being randomly shot in the face, and I’m fairly certain that she is not the luckiest person in the world. If anything, God really hates this woman.

Sources: 1

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