I’ve had intimate relationships with deer, so I know a lot about them — they are aggressive as fuck. A large male deer — or “buck” — can impale you with his antlers and kick your head in. If a buck attacks you in the wild, defend yourself with a large knife, not a gun (guns are violent). If you actually kill a deer with a knife, you are a fucking legend.

WISCONSIN — Deer have reached a new low. Mark Brye, a plumber from rural Wisconsin, woke up last week to the aftermath of a bizarre animal showdown in his backyard. His 640-pound stone elk lawn ornament was knocked over, and a dead deer lay 20 feet away.

The buck attacked the stone lawn ornament after mistaking it for a real animal. Boiling with frustration, the buck headbutted the stone elk hard enough to knock it over. It staggered 20 feet and collapsed from a self-inflicted crushed skull.

After Mark Byre reported the incident, the local conservation warden granted him permission to butcher the 180-pound deer for its tasty meat.

Deer are extra pissed off during the Fall because this is when the “Rut” begins. Most people call it the “Rut,” but it basically means “Fucking Season.” It’s the time of year when bucks get horny and look for fights — hmmm… sound like familiar behavior?

Deer are also capable of committing “douchebaggery.” (Notice the antler-like hair)

Byre’s elk statue remains on its side, too heavy to lift. “I can’t tip it back up until I get a whole bunch of guys to help me,” he says.

Sources: 1

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I was just sitting here, relaxing, and smoking marijuana. I felt at peace with the world, but then I started to remember how goddamn stupid some human beings are.

“Someone should make a Facebook application for virtual weed smoking. It would be like smoking a joint in real life, except you click a button and pretend you’re high.”

(This was actually a real idea that came to fruition)

I was invited by a friend on Facebook to install this “Pass a Joint” application, which would allow me to virtually share weed and joints with friends. Wow… thanks, “friend.”

I’d just like to point out the ignorance here in the description of the app, which reads:

Pass a joint to your friends. Smoke their joints. Get stoned. We’ll keep count. The more you Roll and Smoke weed – the better you get at rolling and scoring kind bud. Earn 70’s Circles! Not some cheesy ready-made app.

I promptly canceled the install, not because I have something against weed (obviously), but because VIRTUAL WEED SMOKING IS FUCKING RETARDED.

Why’d they stop at weed? Where’s the “Pass a Crackpipe” app? You can trade your AIDS for my meth and then have an abortion!

People are starving all over the world and you’re sitting at home playing a low-budget virtual drug smoking game. I suppose the only thing worse than that is sitting at home and reading about people playing a low-budget virtual drug smoking game.

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FLORIDA — With the Bubble Boy hoax still fresh in America’s mind, Floridian Susan Baker had a better trick up her sleeve — stash a baby in a box, and not tell anyone.

A baby missing for five days was found alive and well under her baby sitter’s bed, and Florida authorities said Thursday they plan to charge the sitter, her husband and the child’s mother. [1]

Susan Baker was babysitting 7-month-old Shannon Dedrick on Halloween when the little girl went missing. Over 100 law enforcement agents and other volunteers combed the nearby swamps, but found no traces of the baby until they searched Baker’s home.

Inside Baker’s home, investigators found Shannon tucked in a box under a bed with items organized around the box as if to conceal it.

How she ever fit into a box with a massive melon like that is unknown.

Now it’s time to play the Scary Facts About Susan Baker Game!

In 1987, Susan Baker’s 3-year-old stepson, Paul Baker, went missing. He apparently disappeared while she was “napping,” and they never found his body.

That same year, Susan was charged with assault and battery with intent to kill after her 6-year-old daughter was found to be severely beaten — her hands were broken as well. She was convicted and sentenced to 10 years in prison, but only served 80 days.

80 days for beating the fuck out of a kid. Is that all you get? Hmmmm…

This is what Paul Baker would look like if Susan hadn’t killed him in ‘87.

Something tells me Susan Baker won’t be baking anything for a long time (Goddamn baking jokes. Sorry guys, that’s all I got for you. It’s Friday, for the love of dicks).

I had no idea you could leave infants completely on their own for five days (in the dark) without them dying. I’m gonna save a ton of money on babysitters when I have kids.

Which will be never.

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

Sources: 1

RUSSIA — 9-month-old Ali Yakubov is by all means a normal Russian infant — well, except for the fact that sacred Islamic verses “miraculously” appear on his skin every week.

Religious leaders in Dagestan say the verse “Be thankful or grateful to God” appeared on Ali Yakubov’s right leg in Arabic script earlier this week. By the time foreign journalists had arrived, the verse had faded to a single letter. [1]

Nearly 2,000 Muslim pilgrims visit the family’s home every day to offer prayers and look at photos of the verses that previously appeared on the baby.

The child’s mother explained to reporters how her son behaves during these, um, miracles. “It’s impossible to hold him,” she said. “He cries, lifts that part of the body [where the verse appears], his temperature goes up to 105 degrees, and he doesn’t sleep all night.”

Yeah that’s usually how kids behave WHEN YOU TORTURE THEM.

Jesus titty-fuckin’ Christ! This has to be the lowest-budget miracle I’ve ever seen. A Virgin Mary shitting bloody diarrhea that splatters on the floor and turns into snakes is a fucking miracle.

Somebody do this kid a favor and call Social Services, if they even have that in Russia.

Bonus: Ali Yakubov’s father is a police officer.

Sources: 1

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Fifty years ago, Twitter consisted of sending a hand-written letter to someone via standard mail delivery, or ringing them on the telephone to say, “I’m taking a dump!” In 2009, it’s much easier to inform thousands of people when you’re pooping, or on your period.

WISCONSIN — On September 21st, Penelope Trunk was sitting in a board meeting at work and having a miscarriage (at the same time). Rather than heading to the bathroom and flushing the rejected mistake from her womb, she posted a message about it on Twitter.

“I’m in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there’s a fucked-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin.”

Penelope Trunk is one classy ass bitch.

Trunk’s morbidly-humorous tweet sparked a public outcry (lucky bitch had 20,000 followers at the time). Many people were repulsed by such a personal experience and appalled by the fact that she felt seemingly indifferent that her unborn child had died.

Jesus ass-fuckin’ Christ people, calm down! Trunk wanted to have an abortion to begin with. Days before her miscarriage, she had scheduled to terminate her pregnancy at a clinic — so don’t tell me you’d expect her to feel sad about avoiding a $400 abortion bill.

“Cappuccino hot tubs are my favorite!” — Aborted fetus

It’s been over two months since Trunk’s tweet, yet her story only broke this week on several popular new sites. That alone makes me so angry that I could punch a pregnant lady in her gut. WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS?

Ms. Trunk, I’m glad you naturally saved $400 by switching to Miscarriage.

In 2007, a woman took pictures of her miscarriage and one of them is now the #1 image result on Google for “miscarriage.” She must be so proud of her little peanut!

This is far more disgusting than anything a person could tweet.

Bonus: Follow me on Twitter!

Sources: 1

Bonus Comment: “Gummy bear!” — Caitlin

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