As you may have heard, James “The Rev” Sullivan, was found dead in his California home on Monday afternoon. Sullivan was the drummer for the band Avenged Sevenfold, or A7X.

After Sullivan’s autopsy results were inconclusive, the Orange County coroner’s office ordered toxicology, microscopic and laboratory tests to determine the exactly how the 28-year-old rocker died. News websites are reporting that he died of natural causes.

Ummm… no.

I’ll take three completely random stabs at the REAL cause of death: drugs, drugs, drugs.

Sullivan in 2006, rocking the Pete Wentz makeup collection.

It’s not like The Rev choked on a Vitamin Water and had a heart attack while doing cardio with his personal trainer. In a 2006 interview with Revolver magazine, his band spoke lightheartedly about their excessive drinking and drug use. Sullivan himself even bragged about doing piles of coke — little white mountains of it! And now he’s dead. Surprised?

I saw a documentary in 2007 called All Excess — it was 90 minutes of video footage of Avenged Sevenfold drinking to obliteration and then bragging about how hard they party. WOW, COOL. At some point during the film, I recall thinking, “I hope all these fuckers die.”

Thousands of emo kids are carving The Rev’s name in their forearms with sharpened paperclips right now. I’ve even heard people make absurd statements like, “Avenged Sevenfold will never be the same after The Rev’s death. Music will never be the same!”

I’m pretty sure that music doesn’t give a fuck that James Sullivan died.

With the invention of drum machines, human drummers are becoming obsolete. Their only real purpose is to keep a steady timing so the rest of the band doesn’t fuck up. Otherwise, I can watch a fuckin’ 2-year-old bang on hollow surfaces with a pair of sticks.

Quality Comments: “All A7X ever did for their fans was take a massive, bleeding shit on their eardrums.” — kingofdesirex

“Just last night i was telling some fellow bar patrons how much this band sucks.” — Stevedave

“If you don’t like metal, Fuck you! Go listen to your stupid ass pussy music.” — Sam

“Hey man, Trippy site you got here.” — Alex

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TEXAS — A 53-year-old woman is facing charges of “911 abuse” after calling dispatchers 30 times over a 6-month period for non-emergency reasons. Her most recent 911 call was to request police assistance because her husband wouldn’t eat his dinner.

911 abuse should technically be called “911 misuse” because some people mistake it for the physical abuse of the telephone number 911. How could a person inflict physical harm on a telephone number? Only Chuck Norris is capable of inflicting pain on non-living things.

And to clear up any remaining confusion, the woman mentioned in the first paragraph is not being charged with using Chuck Norris to inflict pain on the phone number 911.

This reminds of the time I was a 911 dispatcher. Some girl called in and was like, “Help! I’m being raped,” and I was like, “Calm down, how do you know you’re being raped?” And then I heard a guy scream something like “shut up, whore” in the background.

Girls are always falsely accusing men of rape, so I hung up. Unfortunately, I was fired the next day because some girl actually did get raped in my city and tried to call 911.

I sleep better at night by imagining her rapist looked like Jude Law.

Quality Comments: “From the sounds of this, her cooking was a crime.” — Spike Rogan

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Seldom has anyone received multiple entries in Sidecarsally. However, I’m thrilled to report another break in the “Balloon Boy” case — Richard and Mayumi Heene are goin’ to jail!

Richard Heene spots a spider crawling on the ceiling above him.

The Heenes looked disappointed after the judge announced their sentences yesterday — 90 days of jail for Richard and 20 days for his wife Yoko. Also, they have to re-pay every penny that was spent on chasing the balloon and investigating the hoax. Justice prevails!

Richard will serve two-thirds of his jail time in a work release program which allows him to work during the day as a construction contractor, but he must report back to jail each evening. His wife will be allowed to report to jail and serve her time on the weekends.

Furthermore, the Heenes were placed on probation for four years which forbids them from earning money related to the hoax, so even if Richard Heene wanted to write a bestseller called “Why I’m Such a Dumbass Jerkoff”, he couldn’t get paid for it.

Prosecutor Andrew Lewis said it best: “People around the world were watching this unfold. Mr. Heene wasted a lot of manpower and money in wanting to get himself some publicity.”

YAY FOR JUSTICE!

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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Sources: 1

COLORADO — Two months have gone by and my hatred for the people responsible for the “Balloon Boy” hoax — the Heene family — was finally beginning to subside. Until today.

Last month, Richard Heene pleaded guilty to a felony charge of being a lying douchebag. His wife Mayumi also pleaded guilty to a similar misdemeanor charge. If things go favorably for the taxpayers, the Heenes face 2-3 months in jail. But don’t start cheering quite yet.

I’ve got a feeling that Judge Pushover will spare the Heene’s from jail and impose a hefty fine on them instead. As a result of the hoax, local, state, and federal agencies figured the Heenes owe them approximately $43,000. This amount seems reasonable if you consider all the emergency services and helicopters and superheroes that were dispatched to help.

The Heenes’ attorney, David Lane, is trying to play hardball. He thinks a $43,000 fine is simply redonkulous: “If they’ve got records to show these are legitimate costs, then we can discuss it,” he said. “But, first off, these people don’t have that kind of money.”

Don’t feel bad for the Heenes. If they aren’t going to serve jail time as a lesson, then they should at least be paying out of pocket for this for a long, long time. They pulled a hoax on a national level, but it was only a pathetic attempt to land a reality show.

I’ve got a reality show idea for you — it’s called Richard & Mayumi Heene Rightfully Go To Prison and there’s a spin-off about their sons called Three Little Orphans.

Sources: 1, 2

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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You probably know by now that Brittany Murphy died yesterday. I was going to wait until after Brittany’s autopsy results to write an appropriate memorial article for her, but I became annoyed by a certain recurring Brittany Murphy death joke.

“I was CLUELESS all day that Brittany Murphy died!”

Oh, I get it — she was in the film Clueless, and you were clueless that — shut the fuck up.

I’m all for witty celebrity death jokes, and I generally start thinking of my own death jokes right after a celebrity dies. But is there any humor in Brittany Murphy’s death? Not really.

Brittany was good-lookin’ and this planet can’t afford to lose any more hot women, so it’s damn near always a tragedy when we do. Who’s next, Jennifer Love Hewitt? I might as well just cut my penis off if that happens — it’s been my life goal to bang JLH since I was 5.

I hope Jennifer Love Hewitt lives forever.