TEXAS — A 53-year-old woman is facing charges of “911 abuse” after calling dispatchers 30 times over a 6-month period for non-emergency reasons. Her most recent 911 call was to request police assistance because her husband wouldn’t eat his dinner.

911 abuse should technically be called “911 misuse” because some people mistake it for the physical abuse of the telephone number 911. How could a person inflict physical harm on a telephone number? Only Chuck Norris is capable of inflicting pain on non-living things.

And to clear up any remaining confusion, the woman mentioned in the first paragraph is not being charged with using Chuck Norris to inflict pain on the phone number 911.

This reminds of the time I was a 911 dispatcher. Some girl called in and was like, “Help! I’m being raped,” and I was like, “Calm down, how do you know you’re being raped?” And then I heard a guy scream something like “shut up, whore” in the background.

Girls are always falsely accusing men of rape, so I hung up. Unfortunately, I was fired the next day because some girl actually did get raped in my city and tried to call 911.

I sleep better at night by imagining her rapist looked like Jude Law.

Quality Comments: “From the sounds of this, her cooking was a crime.” — Spike Rogan

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