TENNESSEE — On Tuesday, 21-year-old April Wright awoke at 1:45am. She immediately noticed that her 4-year-old son Hayden was missing. He had broken a child-safety lock on the door and went outside to have a beer and steal presents from neighbors.

Before sneaking out of the house, the 4-year-old grabbed a can of beer from the fridge. Then, he broke into a neighbors house and stole five gifts from under the Christmas tree.

Hayden Wright, Chattanooga demon child.

After his crime spree, Hayden returned home and was found outside by his mother. He was drunk and wearing a little girl’s dress (one of the five gifts he stole).

According to April Wright, Hayden knew exactly what he was doing: “He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that’s where his daddy is.” (actual quote)

Hayden was taken to the hospital and treated for alcohol consumption. After the incident, child protective services requested to meet with April, but didn’t find her at fault for anything other than failing at life in general — she’s a good mom otherwise.

April explains to a reporter the mystery of how Hayden’s father agreed to fuck her.

Wright herself serves as a PSA about the consequences of teenage pregnancy. If anyone you know is a pregnant teenager, please, pressure her into getting an abortion. And mention it sooner than later because coat hangers don’t work as well as you’d think.

Well, unless you sharpen the tip of the hanger first.

Sources: 1

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TEXAS — Last Thursday, a couple from southern Texas were charged with abuse of a corpse and tampering with evidence after investigators found the corpse of a 7-month fetus wrapped neatly in a gift box under their Christmas tree.

Police believe that Ruby Lee Medina took pills to induce an abortion and then tried to dispose of the fetus by flushing it down the toilet. That’s like trying to flush a 3-pound 16-inch turd with arms and legs — it’s impossible. And fetuses don’t break apart like poo.

Medina and her boyfriend Javier Gonzalez plucked the lifeless baby from the toilet and cleaned its corpse, but couldn’t decide what to do with it. There were too many options.

So they hid it under the Christmas tree.

After the abortion and gift wrapping, Medina’s vagina wouldn’t stop bleeding so she went to the hospital. Doctors became suspicious of her when she said she “didn’t know” where the fetus was. The couple were arrested after a tip prompted police to search their trailer.

If autopsy results confirm that the baby was alive at the time of birth, Medina and Gonzalez will also face capital murder charges, which is punishable by death in Texas.

Sources have suggested to authorities that this is not the first time the couple has induced an abortion or disposed of a fetus. Investigators are looking into the allegations to determine if there are additional victims. [2]

A smart idea for this couple would be set up an Abortion Fund so they can afford professional abortions. Basically, you take a piggy bank and write “ABORTION FUND” on the side of it and then don’t get pregnant until you’ve accumulated at least $400.

OR USE A FUCKING CONDOM.

Sources: 1, 2

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Gay porn star Andrew Grande probably had a huge penis. I don’t know because I’ve never seen any of his films, but I do know one thing for sure: big dick or not, he’s dead.

One of the final pictures taken of Andrew Grande. He was probably gettin’ a blowie.

FLORIDA — Last Friday, Panama Beach police responded to a physical disturbance call at a motel. When they arrived, a woman claimed Grande had attacked her. Police tried to arrest Grande, but he resisted and tried to swallow a small bag of marijuana in front of them.

As his struggle with the officers continued, the bag of weed became lodged in Grande’s throat. He broke free from the officers, so they tasered him while he was choking.

Grande fell to the ground and tried desperately to make himself vomit. One officer tried to perform the Heimlich to no avail. When paramedics arrived, they were able to remove the bag from Grande’s throat but it was too late — he was pronounced dead at the hospital.

The entire thing was caught on camera by a television crew that was riding with the cops.

Out of respect, I’ll refrain from making a “gay man fails at swallowing” joke for now.

The officers claim that Grande was tasered not because he was resisting arrest, but because he was preventing them from helping him — even though they didn’t attempt the Heimlich maneuver until Grande was already tasered and half-dead.

Cop 1: “We can’t help this choking guy, sergeant. We can’t get our fingers in his mouth to remove the baggy. What should we do? We need to keep him calm before he suffocates.”

Cop 2: “Calm? Fuck that, taser his ass and make him spit it out.”

FAIL.

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Let’s face it: Babies are annoying little hideous blobs of flesh and fat. If it weren’t for gags and cages, babies would spend entire days crying for food and shitting everywhere.

Short of praying for SIDS, there isn’t much we can do to prevent infants from producing noise and human waste — so where do we go from here? How can we improve babies?

A popular black site has reported that baby wigs may be the next big trend for parents who can’t stand to look at a baby’s thin wispy hair — but this may be a cultural thing.

Based on information I gathered from the two black women that I’ve had sex with in my life, black women (in particular) are very concerned about their hair and spend a fortune to alter the natural texture and color of it. For instance, Tyra Banks was not naturally born with a massive Celine Dion lion mane with blonde highlights.

I prefer bald mannequin Tyra because she doesn’t say “No” to me.

Black or not, babies are usually born with stupid haircuts, so parents, you have two choices: Put a stupid-looking hat on its head, or put a sweet wig on that shit.

But aren’t babies supposed to look hopeless and hairless? Are wigs really necessary?

Look at it this way: Babies are like any other material object. People only have babies so other people can go, “Aww look how cute that baby is” — it has nothing to do with love. Putting a wig on your baby is like putting new rims on your car.

I think baby wigs are a step in the right direction. They may pose a fire hazard (if your baby is a smoker), and they drive child molesters wild with lust, but these are minor setbacks if beauty is important to you. Remember, fashion before function!

Just wait until baby breast and penile implants go mainstream!

“After the green hair dye, my human baby-sized Troll doll will be complete!”

I don’t particularly see baby wigs gaining popularity amongst white folks, but it’s only a matter of time before we invent something far more retarded for our kids. As you read this, a pregnant 15-year-old emo girl is probably designing faux baby lip rings.

Sources: 1

Bonus: Purchase baby wigs from BabyToupee.com! (Thanks to TBK for the link)

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SCOTLAND — When Barbara Garry, 34, was looking after a 2-year-old child last month, she had no idea that drinking alcohol was a bad decision. Before she knew it, she was blackout drunk, stumbling down a crowded street with the toddler in a stroller packed with booze.

Witnesses watched in horror as Garry fell into oncoming traffic, dragging the stroller down with her. The baby suffered minor injuries after being ejected from the stroller and landing in the middle of the road with cars and buses swerving to avoid it.

When police arrived, Barbara Garry was so drunk that she didn’t even know she had a child with her, so they arrested her. She promptly vomited in the backseat of their car.

Garry’s trial was this week and although she has “no recollection” of the incident, but according to her attorney, “she was horrified she could put the child in danger and horrified by what might have happened.” Garry received 12 months probation.

Somehow, the child remains in Barbara Garry’s care because apparently, drunken toddlers get spilled into the streets by their drunken mothers all the time in Scotland. If this is true, I need to get a passport immediately and see this shit before they run out of babies.

It’s safe to say that a 2-year-old child would be safer living by itself than with this lady.

Bonus: Barbara Garry is the definition of fugly. Someone hand my dick a barfbag! I mean that my penis actually wants to vomit, not ejaculate.

Sources: 1

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