Imagine for a moment that you are a happily-married mother earning a decent salary working as a deputy at the local sheriff’s office. One day, you come home and find your 20-year-old daughter naked in her bedroom with her boyfriend. What would you do?

If you guessed C) Put a gun to his head, punch him repeatedly, and threaten to press trespassing and rape charges on him, then you must be from Florida.

FLORIDA — Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office corrections deputy Dorethea Collier has been charged with false imprisonment, aggravated assault, and battery for attacking her daughter’s boyfriend. When Collier unexpectedly arrived home on November 2nd, her daughter was giving a BJ to Larry Butler, 19. Startled, he dashed into a closet, naked.

“I want to soooo bad, but my mom… she’s pretty overprotective.”

Upon discovering Butler in the closet, Collier punched him a few times and pointed her gun at him. She handcuffed him and ordered him to his knees. Her daughter begged for his life.

Collier held Butler captive and called her husband — who in turn punched Butler a few more times (along with his own daughter). Butler claims the Collier’s also threatened him with rape charges before finally allowing him to get dressed and leave.

Following the incident, Collier filed a trespassing complaint against Butler right around the time he was filing a complaint with the Sheriff’s Office’s internal affairs office. Owned.

Collier, who was released from jail on $5,000 bail, is on paid administrative leave.

I hope the swift hand of justice inserts itself deeply into Dorethea Collier’s anus. She’s guilty of some serious cockblocking and it’s unforgivable. Oh, and the gun thing. You shouldn’t point guns at the dudes that fuck your daughters — this ain’t Kentucky.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “Dorethea Collier = Urethra Collar = Cockblocker?” — footlong

“So, did he get a chance to come or what?!? — Killerwit”

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I realize that some of my readers may not know what World of Warcraft is. If you have never heard of WoW, then you probably have even less of a social life than the geeks who play it.

TAIWAN — World of Warcraft launched over 5 years ago. Out of the 11.5 million people that play WoW, only one person has completed every quest and explored every cave, dungeon, and troll’s anus in the game. Congratulations, “Little Grey” — now go shower.

Basically, Little Grey “beat” WoW by completing all 986 achievements in the game. Some of his stats include killing 390,895 creatures and completing 5,906 quests. He’s only given 11 hugs (yes, you can hug in WoW) and typed “LOL” just once — what an asshole.

The image below shows the character stats for Little Grey. Apparently, the nerd community have been jizzing their pants over this massive accomplishment. It is estimated that Little Grey’s WoW account is worth 640 original Star Trek collectibles.

I don’t understand what any of this shit means.

Little Grey has played WoW for an estimated 10,000 hours — nearly five times longer than the average time a person spends pooping in their entire lifetime.

I have never played World of Warcraft, but I feel like I’m already a Level 50 Elf Rogue just because so many people talk about it all the goddamn time.

Bonus: This will probably be on Fox News tomorrow.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “This image comes up on a Google search for ‘little grey’ and ‘world of warcraft’ – so I’m going to assume it’s him.” — Don V.

Please leave your comments in the comments section below.

I’m going to cut straight to the point of today’s story: Tiger Woods cheated on his wife.

Pictured below is 24-year-old Jamie Grubbs, a cocktail waitress who lives in Los Angeles — she claimed that her and Woods had a 31-month affair, and then proved it.

Grubbs made headlines today after providing US Weekly with semi-scandalous voicemails from Tiger Woods. In one message, Woods is clearly panicked about getting caught:

“Hey, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone [greeting]? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. If you can, please take your name off that and just have it as a number. Just have it as your telephone number. Okay? You’ve got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.” — Actual voicemail

BUSTED!

The only purpose of this image is to lengthen the article.

Earlier today, Woods apologized publicly for his “sins” and for the “transgressions” that hurt his family, but he didn’t elaborate on any dirty details. I don’t recall exactly how the apology went, but it was something like, “I’m sorry for my sins and for transgressing my penis into that girl’s vagina. And mouth. Oh, and butthole too. K, I’m done.”

Woods’ apology comes exactly one week after being accused by the National Enquirer for fucking a completely different woman — Rachel Uchitel. Those rumors caused a fight between Woods and his wife, Elin Nordegren. That night, Woods somehow crashed his SUV into a fire hydrant and then a tree in front of their house at 1AM.

I’ve heard a lot of people ask the question, “Why would Tiger cheat on his beautiful wife?”

Uh yeah, maybe with twelve layers of makeup Elin Nordegren looks like a princess, but upon closer inspection, she definitely resembles Woody Harrelson.

Tiger WOODS… WOODY Harrelson… wait a minute!

Bonus: Everyone still loves Tiger Woods.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “He shanked his 9-iron deep into her rough.” — Stuart

“I’m sure there’s more than just that girl hes cheated on Woody Harrelson with. — Kyle”

Please leave your comments in the comments section below.

I came across a website with a collection of some rather interesting facts. I need to stop using the phrase “true facts” because all facts should be true, otherwise, they’re bullshit.

Still, I can’t help but challenge some of these “facts” because I have my own explanations:

1. When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Explanation: Red sweat? Psh! Whoever got close enough to see a pissed off hippo’s sweat was probably seeing their own blood mixing with the sweat on a hippo.

2. Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.
Explanation: This obviously means that we really don’t completely die after death. So what if a person’s heart stops beating and their brain is dead? What if our souls just stay trapped inside? Fuck, maybe I better start praying to somebody after all.

3. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Explanation: Intelligent people probably make more money and wash their hair with finer shampoo. Finer shampoo is obviously going to contain more expensive fancy shit like zinc and copper. Sisqo has platinum hair and his #1 hit “The Thong Song” was BRILLIANT!

4. There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Explanation: The French are insane. That’s a lot of goddamn steps. Too many.

5. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
Explanation: There’s never anything good happening to the right of the cave.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “I also love black guys.” — Sam

“Putting a strap-on on the gerbil before rectal insertion is overkill.” — Killerwit

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