Pretend for a second that you’re a Portland police officer rushing to the aid of a man who is completely engulfed in flames. It’s up to you to save his life!

You grab something from your trunk that resembles a fire extinguisher and douse the man with its contents, but the fire continues to burn and the man dies. Later, it’s revealed that the fire extinguisher you used was actually an industrial size canister of pepper spray.

That was quite careless of you. Are you: A) Retarded, B) Blind, or C) A woman?

OREGON — 26-year-old Daniel Shaull set himself on fire Wednesday in the streets of downtown Portland. When a police officer saw the burning man from her car, she ran out and sprayed him down with a fire extinguisher big fucking canister of pepper spray.

The officer didn’t know she had used pepper spray until another officer found the empty can later at the scene. Meanwhile, Daniel died of his burns in the hospital.

Daniel’s father told interviewers that his son had a history of mental illness. “I had a feeling something was going to tragically happen,” he told reporters. “He was tired of living.”

Portland Police Bureau Chief Rosie Sizer refused to name the officer involved, but said the she will not face any disciplinary action for her mistake. The chief also added, “In many, many ways, her acts were heroic.”

I had a suspicion that Chief Rosie was exaggerating, so I broke down the officer’s actions and created a pie chart to see how many ways her acts were heroic.

Imagine if you were the burning man, Daniel Shaull — the last couple minutes of your life really sucked dick. You’re engulfed in flames and thinking, “This is it… this is the end.” And then here comes a woman who not only pepper sprays you, but empties an entire tank of pepper spray on your burning flesh. The most painful death ever was made even worse.

Female police officers should stick to what they do best — nothing.

Sources: 1

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NEW YORK — The subway in New York City is a fascinating place. You could be sitting next to a fashion model with mouth-watering tits one minute, and the next, you’ll find yourself in the company of five knife-wielding gang members with tattoos of snakes on their necks.

Gang members are always scary, but when they have snake tattoos, it’s terrifying.

I went to school with this nerd named Jeremy. He would get beat up every day at lunch by the school bully, and would run home crying. One day, Jeremy joined a gang and got a snake tattoo on his neck and since then, the bully has been afraid of him.

The truth is, Jeremy never joined a gang because he was too much of a pussy. He just showed everyone the black eye that his father gave him the previous night and claimed he was initiated into the Black Panthers — even though he was white (and only 11-years-old).

And you probably already guessed that his tattoo wasn’t real either. Well, actually it was — but he got hepatitis from the needle in the tattoo gun. That’s what happens when you get a tattoo from your friend’s older brother who’s also a junkie.

So even though Jeremy stopped getting picked on, he died about two years later from hepatitis-related injuries. At his funeral, he had makeup on his neck to hide the tattoo.

I completely forgot where I was going with story, so here’s a video taken in a New York subway train of a man playing with a live chicken. Nobody knows who this man is, or what he’s doing with a chicken, but one thing is for sure: he’s fucking awesome.

Quality Comments: “Nice! He’s wearing an MTA uniform shirt, which means he works for the subway. Must be part of the voodoo campaign to end delays on the 2 train.” — Cock Fogbank

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On Sunday evening in East Athens, Georgia, a rapist attacked a 17-year-old girl and dragged her into some nearby woods. He tore her shirt and pulled her pants down, and watched in horror as a penis flopped out between her legs — it wasn’t a girl at all!

This had never happened to the rapist before. He had no idea that teen males all over America are increasingly tucking their meat and putting on makeup. He was furious! The victim screamed and tried to fight back as the rapist kicked him repeatedly.

The attacker fled when the victim’s cell phone began ringing, but he is still on the loose. If caught, he faces charges of attempted rape and false imprisonment. When help arrived, the victim was found sitting on the ground, crying in the rain.

The rapist was described as a fat Hispanic in a gray hoodie. Investigators should be asking Carlos Mencia where he was on Sunday — this seems like something he’d do.

I’m terrified that this is going to happen to me one day — not that I’m going to be raping a girl and find out she has a penis, but that it would happen consensually. It would be even worse is if her penis was bigger than mine. I’d remember that for a long time.

Unexpected penile discoveries are quite common in the world of prostitution. Follow your gut feeling when selecting a whore, and when in doubt, ask to see vaginal identification.

The rapist in this story reacted in an extremely intolerable and homophobic manner to his victim’s anatomical addition. I hope any rapists reading this article can learn to accept that not every woman they rape is going to have a vagina. You can’t be a winner all the time.

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There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned high school prank. Unfortunately, people don’t like pranks anymore — they’re too concerned about “someone getting hurt” or “costly repairs” or “animal cruelty.” The best pranks rarely go unpunished these days.

For example, I know this kid who hated his math teacher so much that he broke into her house one night and took a giant shit in her refrigerator. A week later, the kid got cancer.

TEXAS — Five Houston-area high school seniors are in trouble after an innocent prank was taken a little too seriously during a class photo.

Over 600 seniors gathered in front of the camera for their class photo last week at Cypress Ridge High School. In the front row, select students wore t-shirts with letters on them that spelled “CLASS OF 2010″ when side-by-side.

After the first photo was taken, the students were allowed to rearrange themselves for the informal panoramic shot. During this time, the two students wearing the letters “C” and “L” dispersed into the crowd, leaving only “ASS OF 2010″ — but nobody noticed.

School administrators were furious when they saw the photo. The three “ASS” students in front were suspended for three days and fined $135 each. They also lost their positions as officers for various clubs. The “C” and “L” students were not suspended, but also received a fine. The money will go towards editing the panoramic photo and fixing the spelling error.

It wasn’t just the administrators that disapproved of the prank. Raymond Carrigan, one of the seniors present during the prank said changing “class” to “ass” was “ignorant.”

Ignorant? Disrespectful, maybe — but realizing that you can form a naughty word out of a regular word just by switching some letters is fucking genius.

How’s this for ignorant, Ray? I found a Facebook picture of you and added a giant ignorant penis on there and it’s about to poke you in the face. Let that be a lesson to you!

The irony: Three students were essentially suspended for making the class photo vulgar, but at least fifty other male students got away with displaying “The Shocker,” which is a hand gesture relating to the sexual act of inserting three fingers into a female’s butt-gina.

I’d also like to mention that Cypress Ridge is probably overpaying to have their class photo edited. Sidecarsally Photofuck Plus offers free editing services for family, wedding, and class photos. Earlier this year, I handled a similar problem for the Delta Gamma sorority after the entire front row forgot to wear their letters.

Sources: 1, 2

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The image of “Octomom” Nadya Suleman’s pregnant gut will haunt me for three lifetimes.

Babies aren’t supposed to be crammed in there like that. The skin on her stomach looks identical to a male’s scrotum skin when it’s been pulled tight around a testicle.

After disappearing from the media spotlight for quite some time, Suleman has reemerged on the internet with some surprisingly-decent bikini photos. Decent to the untrained eye.

If you didn’t know the woman in these pictures was Octomom, you’d probably think to yourself, “Damn, look at those titties. I could spill some semen in her vagina, for sure.” Guess what? So could twelve other guys and a horse at the same time.

I hold master’s degrees in graphic design and dermatology — those pictures above are more heavily Photoshopped than the pictures of your dick you send to girls on Myspace.

The same people that did the special effects in Lord of the Rings also edited these pictures.

This is what Nadya Suleman’s photos looked like before they were airbrushed:

Some of you would probably still tap that. Not everyone can have sex without paying for it or settling for the first moist hole they find that doesn’t have a centipede living in it.

Do people even exercise anymore, or do they just improve their Photoshop skills when they want to lose weight? “I look hot in this picture after blending my three chins together.”

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