Getting mauled by a cougar is probably one of the shittiest things that could happen. I’m not talking about having your balls violently sucked by your best friend’s horny mother — not that kind of cougar, idiot. Mountain lions, pumas, panthers — the original cougar.

But yeah, cougar maulings — they suck. Don’t believe me? Just ask this dude:

“He’s right. A cougar used my face for a chew toy and it was pretty shitty.” — Victim

BRITISH COLUMBIA — 11-year-old Austin Forman was almost eaten yesterday when a cougar wandered onto his family’s property. He was gathering firewood outside with his dog Angel at dusk when the large cat darted towards them. The dog heroically battled the cougar and bought the boy valuable time to run inside and call police.

When the police arrived just minutes later, they found the cougar chewing on the golden retriever’s neck under the back porch — so they shot it to death (the cougar, not the dog).

Angel survived, but suffered head injuries during the altercation.

Hey, WAIT A MINUTE. Was this a female cougar? There’s no point in writing a story about a kid and dog who didn’t die after being attacked by a female cougar. Female cougars only reach about 100 pounds, while the males are double that size. Male cougars fight bears and wolves. Female cougars fight rabbits and weasels. I just wasted 30 minutes.

Had this been a male cougar, this story would have went like this: Cougar kills 11-year-old boy and dog before they even knew there was a fucking cougar in the yard. Then cougar enters dead child’s home, murders father with an axe, and rapes his mother.

Edit: I guess it’s important to mention that the mauling victim shown above is not the 11-year-old boy from this story. The victim above is an adult — his hospital photo merely serves as an example of what happens when you fuck with cougars.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “I’d still like a picture posted of a mauled child. Some of us still like to masturbate.” — Killerwit

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