BRITISH COLUMBIA — Davey Metzler, 7, would be a pile of bones right now if it weren’t for his courageous mother who rescued him from the jaws of a cougar. The incident occurred only two days before 11-year-old Austin Forman and his dog were similarly attacked.

“D-d-duh cougah twied to b-b-bite m-me, but my doggie saveded m-muh-me.”

Little Davey wasn’t as fortunate as Austin. He was tobogganing with his sister when the cougar pounced on his head. If there’s one thing a cougar hates, it’s a child having fun.

Davey’s mother witnessed the attack and ran to his aid. She grabbed a kitchen rag and snapped it in the cougar’s face until it ran away. Then she rushed her son to the hospital where he recovered with 22 stitches in his head.

Conservation officers killed two cougars nearby the next day. You know what that means:

Seriously though, a kitchen rag? Once again, I think we’re talking about a female cougar.

If you struck a male cougar in the face with anything less than an aluminum bat, he would kick you to the ground, stand over you in a 69 position, and take a giant shit in your screaming mouth while chewing off your genitals. If cougars had insanely fast digestive tracks, he would shit your actual genitals right back into your mouth.

These attacks seem common in BC. If there is even the slightest possibility that I’d be lucky enough to witness a brutal cougar attack on a child, I am moving there immediately. I’d borrow children from the neighborhood and tie them to stakes in my backyard.

You know, like that scene with the goat in Jurassic Park.

Sources: 1

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