I don’t usually write movie reviews; you know why? Because I’ve never seen a movie as awesome as Ryan Nicholson’s new masterpiece Hanger. If you find yourself on a constant search for the most offensive, shocking horror film ever made, Hanger is your Holy Grail.

This ain’t no Disney movie, it’s better.

Truth be told, I didn’t want to review Hanger because I couldn’t find the right words to explain how it changed my life. Everyone I’ve spent time with since November has been forced to watch this movie, and now I’m going to force you to read about it.

The main plot: An aborted baby survives and seeks bloody revenge on his mother’s killer.

Leroy, a cold-blooded pimp, is displeased that one of his whores is very pregnant with a customer’s baby. When he catches the whore hiding money from him, Leroy kicks her in the uterus and exclaims, “Your baby ain’t shit!” — Pause for laughter.

Tired of the abuse, the whore decides to pack her shit and leave the fabulous life of prostitution behind her, but she doesn’t get very far because Leroy is waiting for her in the bedroom. Bending a wire hanger in his hands, Leroy shouts, “Lay on your muthafuckin’ back, bitch!” and then whips her across the face with the hanger.

Rose the whore, moments before Leroy the pimp rips her cooter out.

Leroy proceeds to give the woman a coat hanger abortion in extremely graphic detail, while appropriately saying to himself, “This is some fucked up shit!”

Leroy dumps the fetus in the garbage after taking a guess at its weight. A homeless man discovers the crying fetus in the trash and cares for it like a father.

18 years later, the now-grown fetus (aptly named “Hanger”) has blossomed into a young man with a bloodlust. The bum hands over custody of Hanger to his biological father, who reappears to take his son on a vengeful killing spree against Leroy and his whores.

Let the bloodbath begin!

Hanger, known in real life as Nathan Dashwood.

The characters:

Hanger boasts a slew of interesting characters including Russell, a facially-deformed Asian guy with a penchant for used tampons, and Phil, a homosexual rapist. Russell and Phil are co-workers at the recycling center (garbage dump), along with Hanger.

The talented Dan Ellis is cast as Hanger’s father John, a lovable hardass who doesn’t mind smashing an innocent hooker’s head to bits just because she wouldn’t fuck his son. In one scene, John murders a whore by shoving a douche nozzle up her nose into her brain.

The boner-inducing secretary Nicole is played by the lovely Candice Le, who has a hard time keeping her panties on in this film. Candice, if you’re reading this, your vagina is so perfect that I want to learn how to play piano and then write a song about it.

“Hi Nicole, I just came in to stare at your ti… I mean take out your trash.”

The conclusion:

I’m not a professional film critic, so I don’t use smart words like “vapid” and “insipid,” but Hanger is neither of those. Nearly every line of dialogue is fitted with some sort of sarcasm, vulgarity, or perverted sexual humor — and there’s nothin’ wrong with that.

As if you can’t already tell, Hanger is the best movie ever made. In fact, Ryan Nicholson is now my favorite filmmaker of all time. Hell, I’d drop to my knees and gobble a wad of his babyglue for a cameo in one of his films, and I’m not even gay. You hear that, Ryan?

Hanger is by far more offensive than any other movie before it. Abortions, tampon tea, anal rape, cannibalism, and awe-inspiring vaginas are only a few of the reasons to watch Hanger. If I had to describe this movie in only three words: Death, vagina, perfect.

I highly recommend for everyone to buy this movie on DVD immediately. Even if you’re not a fan of horror films (or violence in general), you will enjoy this movie. Why? Because if you don’t, then you’re a uptight, humorless asshole with no friends — or a woman.

Bonus: Be sure to check out Gutterballs and Live Feed, two of Nicholson’s previous films. Gutterballs is a fantastic bowling alley slasher flick with a bowling pin rape scene, more of Candice Le’s vagina, and an ultra realistic-looking penis mutilation!

I’d like to thank Ryan for giving me a chance to review this movie. Best movie ever, seriously.

Quality Comments: “I forced my girlfriend to watch this movie with me and she almost broke up with me, but it was worth it of course. Best movie in the world.” — Matsu

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