MISSOURI — Aside from being shaped like a giant anal wart, Missouri has its fair share of interesting sights to see, for example, 55-year-old Larry D. Booker — he enjoys slathering up his body with oil (baby oil or corn oil, it doesn’t matter) and exposing himself to people.

After being arrested more than once for helicoptering his cock in plain view of nearby day care centers, police are searching for Larry Booker because he failed to show up for a probation violation hearing yesterday. Booker’s probation officer reported that he did not register as a sex offender or enter a court-ordered treatment program.

In prior arrests, Booker told police he was covered in oil because his skin was dry.

This just goes to show how many different unique sexual fetishes that exist: Some dudes expose themselves to unsuspecting women, while others enjoy flashing children. Larry Booker prefers to flash women while they pick up their children from day care — and he likes his body to glisten with slippery oil while he does it.

If Ashy Larry from Chappelle’s Show and the greased-up deaf guy from Family Guy fell in love and had sex, their miracle child would be Flashy Larry, aka Larry Booker.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

It’s a well-known fact that elderly people drive like shit. They drive like they have all the time in the world to get to their destination, while not paying attention to a goddamn thing around them. However, unlike women drivers, old drivers are predictable and easy to avoid, thus making them far less dangerous than women.

Technically, the worst drivers in the world are elderly women: Combine the slowness and absentmindedness of a senior citizen with the naturally terrible driving skills of a woman, and you have created the ultimate rolling disaster.

In a perfect world, men would rule the highway while women nagged at us from the passenger seat (or trunk, preferably) — but our world is not perfect, so we take it in stride.

FLORIDA — Despite the dangers of having women — especially old ones — driving around, I do not agree with what happened to 78-year-old Gabrielle Shaink Trudeau.

Police pulled Ol’ Gabby over in September for driving too slow and ticketed her for also driving on a suspended license. When she got confused and failed to show up at court in November, three police officers drove to Gabby’s home and arrested her.

“They came on real strong, like I had killed somebody or something,” she told reporters.

Gabby was taken to jail and attended her pre-trial the next day. The pre-trial services division found that she was eligible for release on her own recognizance, but forgot to tell the judge. Oblivious to everything, the judge ordered Gabby back to jail until her trial.

Gabrielle Shaink Trudeau, 78, claims the years have not been kind to her (or her face).

Gabby spent two unnecessary weeks in jail, including Thanksgiving. The courts realized their mistake on December 2nd, the morning of Gabby’s trial. “Why the fuck has this old lady been in jail for two weeks,” they wondered. “Dude, we forgot to tell the judge to let her go!”

The judge was stunned and eager to apologize. “She’s got chains around her waist and handcuffs in front around her hands as if she was some kind of a violent criminal,” he said. “I want her released. I think she’s suffered enough at our system’s mistakes.”

And that’s it. Nobody got fired or punished severely.

The court system is like a selfish child. There’s no real punishment for the judges and attorneys when they “accidentally” fuck up someone’s life and then turn around and hypocritically say, “Ignorance is no excuse to break the law — you are going to jail.”

The people at fault here should serve two weeks in jail on felony dickbrain charges.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

All day long, I’ve been sitting at my desk waiting for a celebrity to injure their genitals so I could post a blog about it. Well, my prayers have been answered.

SCOTLAND — Details magazine has reported that actor Channing Tatum suffered severe burns to his penis while filming a new movie. A film crew member was trying to keep the actor warm by pouring warm boiling hot water into his wetsuit.

This was all that remained of Cheryl’s husband after the fire.

Although his penis has healed, Tatum told Details that the burn was the most painful thing he has ever experienced in his life — even more painful than watching himself acting.

Ever since the movie Fighting, I don’t really like Channing Tatum. He’s always got a confused look on his face that seems to be asking, “Isn’t there an Ed Hardy store around here?” Plus, his fuckin’ name is Channing — do I need a better reason to hate someone?

As for the genius that didn’t realize hot water + penis = NO, his day is coming soon.

Sources: 1

Readers, I need your help: I love my grandmother very much, and I’d like to get her a gift.

Someone sent me the image below as a joke, but I didn’t find it very funny. Why? Because the woman in the picture really seems to be enjoying herself, and I want my grandmother to experience the same pleasure because I’m a great grandson.

The only problem is, I have no fuckin’ idea what the product shown below is. Some kind of a tit-cushion? All I know is that, according to the caption, my grandma will love it.

This is where you come in: Locate this item for me for the cheapest price and I’ll send you my grandmother’s address so you can buy the gift and send it to her (from me).

Unless you’re a fancypants first-class kind of asshole, you probably hate flying. Sure, it’s fascinating to look down 35,000 feet and see a bunch of tiny shit, but only if you have a window seat. What about the passengers with aisle seats, or worse, the middle seat?

I once sat crushed between two people that were so fat, my t-shirt soaked up their body sweat from both sides. By the end of the flight, all I could smell was armpits and taints.

Large, sweaty bodies, jammed inside a tiny flying capsule 7 miles above the earth that could explode at any moment? Fuck. It’s hard not to lose your shit on a plane.

FLORIDA — Delta Airlines flight 2485 was about to depart from Miami yesterday until Mansor Mohammad Asad, 43, felt the need to proclaim his hatred for Jews. Passengers watched uncomfortably as Asad lost his temper and shouted violent racial slurs.

“I’m Palestinian and I want kill all the Jews,” Asad shouted in Arabic.

The pilot immediately turned the plane around on the runway and called police, who arrested him for disorderly conduct. He was also charged with resisting arrest and making threats against a public servant.

Before he was arrested, police were forced to subdue Asad with a stun gun after he charged at an officer with fists clenched. He also threatened the officers who searched him, and was quoted saying, “I’m not afraid of you cops, I’ve gotten in fights with cops and broke their arms in three places… I’ve broken skulls too!”

This man is apparently not very fond of the Jewish community.

Asad owns a small business in Toledo, Ohio and is described by his son as a good man that suffers from bi-polar disorder. “He just lost his temper,” says the son. “There’s no excuse, but someone had to have pushed his button.” His anti-Jew button.

Speaking from personal experience, typical bi-polar behavior doesn’t include shouting things like “I want to kill all Jews!” — that just means you’re a racist dickhole.

Bi-polar people are more like, “I hope you burn to death in a fiery car crash, you worthless piece of shit. Why don’t you just do the world a favor and blow your fucking head off tonight.”

See the difference? A true bi-polar freakout is much more effective and personal than a shitty unoriginal racial slur. Hating Jews is so 1940. If you’re going to lose your temper on a plane, do it right: Focus your rage directly on one unlucky person, not an entire ethnicity.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Leave your comments in the comments section below.