I don’t usually write movie reviews; you know why? Because I’ve never seen a movie as awesome as Ryan Nicholson’s new masterpiece Hanger. If you find yourself on a constant search for the most offensive, shocking horror film ever made, Hanger is your Holy Grail.

This ain’t no Disney movie, it’s better.

Truth be told, I didn’t want to review Hanger because I couldn’t find the right words to explain how it changed my life. Everyone I’ve spent time with since November has been forced to watch this movie, and now I’m going to force you to read about it.

The main plot: An aborted baby survives and seeks bloody revenge on his mother’s killer.

Leroy, a cold-blooded pimp, is displeased that one of his whores is very pregnant with a customer’s baby. When he catches the whore hiding money from him, Leroy kicks her in the uterus and exclaims, “Your baby ain’t shit!” — Pause for laughter.

Tired of the abuse, the whore decides to pack her shit and leave the fabulous life of prostitution behind her, but she doesn’t get very far because Leroy is waiting for her in the bedroom. Bending a wire hanger in his hands, Leroy shouts, “Lay on your muthafuckin’ back, bitch!” and then whips her across the face with the hanger.

Rose the whore, moments before Leroy the pimp rips her cooter out.

Leroy proceeds to give the woman a coat hanger abortion in extremely graphic detail, while appropriately saying to himself, “This is some fucked up shit!”

Leroy dumps the fetus in the garbage after taking a guess at its weight. A homeless man discovers the crying fetus in the trash and cares for it like a father.

18 years later, the now-grown fetus (aptly named “Hanger”) has blossomed into a young man with a bloodlust. The bum hands over custody of Hanger to his biological father, who reappears to take his son on a vengeful killing spree against Leroy and his whores.

Let the bloodbath begin!

Hanger, known in real life as Nathan Dashwood.

The characters:

Hanger boasts a slew of interesting characters including Russell, a facially-deformed Asian guy with a penchant for used tampons, and Phil, a homosexual rapist. Russell and Phil are co-workers at the recycling center (garbage dump), along with Hanger.

The talented Dan Ellis is cast as Hanger’s father John, a lovable hardass who doesn’t mind smashing an innocent hooker’s head to bits just because she wouldn’t fuck his son. In one scene, John murders a whore by shoving a douche nozzle up her nose into her brain.

The boner-inducing secretary Nicole is played by the lovely Candice Le, who has a hard time keeping her panties on in this film. Candice, if you’re reading this, your vagina is so perfect that I want to learn how to play piano and then write a song about it.

“Hi Nicole, I just came in to stare at your ti… I mean take out your trash.”

The conclusion:

I’m not a professional film critic, so I don’t use smart words like “vapid” and “insipid,” but Hanger is neither of those. Nearly every line of dialogue is fitted with some sort of sarcasm, vulgarity, or perverted sexual humor — and there’s nothin’ wrong with that.

As if you can’t already tell, Hanger is the best movie ever made. In fact, Ryan Nicholson is now my favorite filmmaker of all time. Hell, I’d drop to my knees and gobble a wad of his babyglue for a cameo in one of his films, and I’m not even gay. You hear that, Ryan?

Hanger is by far more offensive than any other movie before it. Abortions, tampon tea, anal rape, cannibalism, and awe-inspiring vaginas are only a few of the reasons to watch Hanger. If I had to describe this movie in only three words: Death, vagina, perfect.

I highly recommend for everyone to buy this movie on DVD immediately. Even if you’re not a fan of horror films (or violence in general), you will enjoy this movie. Why? Because if you don’t, then you’re a uptight, humorless asshole with no friends — or a woman.

Bonus: Be sure to check out Gutterballs and Live Feed, two of Nicholson’s previous films. Gutterballs is a fantastic bowling alley slasher flick with a bowling pin rape scene, more of Candice Le’s vagina, and an ultra realistic-looking penis mutilation!

I’d like to thank Ryan for giving me a chance to review this movie. Best movie ever, seriously.

Quality Comments: “I forced my girlfriend to watch this movie with me and she almost broke up with me, but it was worth it of course. Best movie in the world.” — Matsu

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BRITISH COLUMBIA — Davey Metzler, 7, would be a pile of bones right now if it weren’t for his courageous mother who rescued him from the jaws of a cougar. The incident occurred only two days before 11-year-old Austin Forman and his dog were similarly attacked.

“D-d-duh cougah twied to b-b-bite m-me, but my doggie saveded m-muh-me.”

Little Davey wasn’t as fortunate as Austin. He was tobogganing with his sister when the cougar pounced on his head. If there’s one thing a cougar hates, it’s a child having fun.

Davey’s mother witnessed the attack and ran to his aid. She grabbed a kitchen rag and snapped it in the cougar’s face until it ran away. Then she rushed her son to the hospital where he recovered with 22 stitches in his head.

Conservation officers killed two cougars nearby the next day. You know what that means:

Seriously though, a kitchen rag? Once again, I think we’re talking about a female cougar.

If you struck a male cougar in the face with anything less than an aluminum bat, he would kick you to the ground, stand over you in a 69 position, and take a giant shit in your screaming mouth while chewing off your genitals. If cougars had insanely fast digestive tracks, he would shit your actual genitals right back into your mouth.

These attacks seem common in BC. If there is even the slightest possibility that I’d be lucky enough to witness a brutal cougar attack on a child, I am moving there immediately. I’d borrow children from the neighborhood and tie them to stakes in my backyard.

You know, like that scene with the goat in Jurassic Park.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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I came across two interesting maps: One of the maps displays the US states that legalized gay marriage, while the other map shows which states legalized the marriage of two first cousins. When you compare the maps, a hearty laugh should follow.

The dark-colored states on the map below have decided, “Lesbian sex is hot, but we obviously can’t legalize lesbian sex only. We must show tolerance for the dudes who like to bang each other too.” So they legalized gay marriage. Whether or not you agree with gayness, the proper thing to do is mind your own goddamn business and let it happen.

It’s 2010 and most of America remains as ignorant and intolerant as it was 200 years ago.

A much greater number of states find it more acceptable to “keep it in the family” and marry a first cousin. Nothing wrong with that, right? Oh, except for the fact that incestuously-conceived children have a much higher chance of being retarded.

Surprisingly, Kentucky is not OK with cousin fucking.

If you have to debate whether or not sex with a particular person is incest, then it probably is. If you’re adopted, it’s totally cool to bang anyone in your adoptive family, including Mom — do not confuse this type of awesome behavior with real incest.

So you’ve got an attractive first cousin that you want to bang? I suggest you set your goals higher. Try settling for a handjob behind the pool and move on with your life. There are plenty of other fish (vaginas) out there in the sea (strip clubs).

Bottom line: Gay people should be allowed to get married. Cousins should be allowed to jerk each other off, but not get married. America has its shit backwards!

Quality Comments: “Shit. I thought they were called ‘first cousins’ exactly because you lost your virginity with them.” — Killerwit

Getting mauled by a cougar is probably one of the shittiest things that could happen. I’m not talking about having your balls violently sucked by your best friend’s horny mother — not that kind of cougar, idiot. Mountain lions, pumas, panthers — the original cougar.

But yeah, cougar maulings — they suck. Don’t believe me? Just ask this dude:

“He’s right. A cougar used my face for a chew toy and it was pretty shitty.” — Victim

BRITISH COLUMBIA — 11-year-old Austin Forman was almost eaten yesterday when a cougar wandered onto his family’s property. He was gathering firewood outside with his dog Angel at dusk when the large cat darted towards them. The dog heroically battled the cougar and bought the boy valuable time to run inside and call police.

When the police arrived just minutes later, they found the cougar chewing on the golden retriever’s neck under the back porch — so they shot it to death (the cougar, not the dog).

Angel survived, but suffered head injuries during the altercation.

Hey, WAIT A MINUTE. Was this a female cougar? There’s no point in writing a story about a kid and dog who didn’t die after being attacked by a female cougar. Female cougars only reach about 100 pounds, while the males are double that size. Male cougars fight bears and wolves. Female cougars fight rabbits and weasels. I just wasted 30 minutes.

Had this been a male cougar, this story would have went like this: Cougar kills 11-year-old boy and dog before they even knew there was a fucking cougar in the yard. Then cougar enters dead child’s home, murders father with an axe, and rapes his mother.

Edit: I guess it’s important to mention that the mauling victim shown above is not the 11-year-old boy from this story. The victim above is an adult — his hospital photo merely serves as an example of what happens when you fuck with cougars.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “I’d still like a picture posted of a mauled child. Some of us still like to masturbate.” — Killerwit

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